Rotten/Weird

It's been an odd Monday. It started out well, waking up with Neil and watching Sean eat all his crickets like a rock star. Work flew by, and I stopped at Gerbes after to stock up on some semi-healthy foods and mail everything that needed to be mailed. I also stopped by Petco and got 100 crickets, all by myself! I caught Neil at the tail end of his break at home, right in time for him to put the little critters away.

I was planning a really productive afternoon, with exercising and tidying up and organization, but about an hour after I got home I began to get really, super tired. I took a nap, and woke up congested and hot, with a heavy head as the tell-tale sign of a sinus infection. It got worse and worse as the day went on, but I didn't let myself think I might have a fever, so I tried to wait it out. But it didn't work. Now I'm full-fledged sick.

I finished the commentary for "Superbad" tonight too. It wasn't bad, though I don't know if I can handle another Seth-Rogen's-laughter-filled commentary again. It's so annoying. They did give some great tidbits though, like how when they read through this in 2002 to make then, Seth was Seth, Freaks & Geeks Nick was Evan, and Bill was Fogle/McLovin! There was also a really, really weird and uncomfortable few minutes when Judd Apatow (who had brought his 9-year-old daughter into the commentary recording) was yelling at Jonah Hill to stop swearing in front of his daughter Maude, Jonah saying "What is this, bring your daughter to work day?" and Judd physically walking out of the studio, never to return. I really wish just Michael Cera would do the commentary. To any movie.

I had a near-meltdown at the stupidest thing--a girl sent me the wrong book from PBS, and when I asked for a credit return, she refused on the basis that, I guess, I didn't write her before she sent it to make sure it was the right book. It was so silly. I was frustrated, and wrote to the PBS folks, thinking nothing would happen, but they totally came through for me and refunded me my credit from her account. It was surprising, and awesome (though it sucked, before).

On the good side, I was totally social tonight! I called Grandma, and it was really great to talk to her (and Aunt Slug, who she passed the phone to after awhile). She says it's a good possibility she'll be here for the wedding, which makes me smile. I'm sorry I don't get to see her as often as I used to. I called Dad after that, and he too was glad that she was planning on coming. Then, Roger called--poor Roger, who had thirty-six injections in his back last week, and we had a good long chat about this and that. I talked to Lily for awhile, about The Bachelor and Christian Audigier and the wedding, after Neil went to bed.

I was looking around at dresses online a little today, and found myself really wanting someone with me. Someone like Mom, or Lily, Em, Amanda, Sarahs Miller or Irwin...some kind of female presence who could be here with me as I begin this process. I worked myself all up, feeling all kinds of sad, because I don't have a big female support structure locally. When I found I was getting near tears, I knew I couldn't think about it much more. I know I have some terrific and lovely help with this wedding--the music, the photos, the after-gathering's cupcakes and food--and the boys here really are being great.

But...they're not girls. They're not going to go with me to try on dresses and say "I like how that dress flatters your coloring" or "Oh, if you wear that, it'll just be a Boob Wedding." They're not going to ask "If you get that one, though, how will your hair be?"

I just want my mom. I didn't think it would hit me this hard so early, but since I like planning things, this stage is fun for me too, and I want her to be part of it just like she helped me with Prom. And if I can't have mom, I want Lily or Em. And I can have them, sometimes, just not at the drop of a hat. I know I won't be sad forever. it's just today. And it feels kind of okay to let myself grieve for it.