Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I feel ugly.

...In more ways than one. I've let things (health-wise) slide for so long that I feel physically icky.

I justify "Waiting to Start" ALL. THE. TIME. All the time. "Well, I WAS going to kick-start this stricter diet tomorrow, but I *just* got that Broccoli Cheese casserole from the deli and I have no idea how many calories are in it, so I'll just wait to start til that's gone." "Well, I WAS going to start today, but I forgot that it's Sarah's birthday and we're going to Shakespeare's, and then there will be leftovers, so I'll just wait til that's gone." ARGH.

There will *always* be leftover pizza, or a special event, or some new food coming out I've wanted to try, or a new Mr. Goodcents in town (DAMN YOU GOODCENNNNNNNTS!), or a weekend trip to Kansas City...ALWAYS.

And I guess I need to keep reminding myself of that. So, yeah--there's leftover Shakes in the fridge. And the casserole, and some break-n-bake cookies. And I'm going to KC soon. And and and and AND AND AND.

Also, this is a horrible habit--I need to STOP taking weekends off. For real. Changing one's lifestyle can't just happen Monday thru Friday. I usually do allow myself ONE fun meal a week when I'm being strict, and that works out really well--if I'm absolutely dying for Taco Bell, I ask myself "Do you want this to be your fun meal, really?"--and it totally works to keep me in line. It's when I turn the "Fun meal" into a "Fun day," then a "Fun weekend," which are always soooo hard to come back from, that I get in trouble.

So. Today, instead of packing that incredible gooey butter cake for work, I measured out a cup of cottage cheese and made sure I had yogurt. I HATE this. I hate it. But I need to REALLY start one of these days....why can't it be today? Tell me, self, why can't it f*&king be TODAY?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A few more things.

Okay, now that I've gotten that first post out of the way (that was a hard one to hit "Publish Post" on, let me tell you...), it's back to the details. The minutiae, if you will.

1. I'd like to incorporate some strength training into my routine. Nothing kettle-ball intensive, just some hand/ankle weight stuff. I stocked up on my last trip to Play It Again Sports, so there are no excuses...

2. I had some major blood-workage done in late July, and I was *terrified*. I was positive it would come back with my cholesterol out of control and with the news I had diabetes and a low life expectancy and EVERYTHING bad. I did a major 5-day boot camp before the blood was taken, after two months of being totally off-plan, and went in with fingers crossed. The check-up began with disappointment, when Dr. Johnson informed me I hadn't lost any weight in the six months since I'd seen her last (and she'd given me the simple goal of losing 5-10 pounds in that time, which I figured would have been easy-peasy). I'd lost and gained a bunch of weight in that six-month period, actually, but it was depressing to know nothing had come of it.

My blood work came back within two weeks, and it was....Perfect. 100%, everything within a good range, absolutely fine. And while that news had me a little gobsmacked, a small part of me felt hopeless. I *wanted* to get scared. I *wanted* something horrible to show up on that test, to MAKE me shift into high gear and get rid of all this extra weight. What was my motivation now?

Well, that's stupid. I can find motivation anywhere. But at that moment, I wondered what it would take.

3. I've found ways to creatively incorporate exercise into my routine so that it's not just this boring thing to get through. I discovered that I can read pretty well when I walk in place in our little carpeted "exercise-room" at work (just a curtained-off square of the warehouse), and at home, I walk or dance in the living room to upbeat or inspirational shows like "The Biggest Loser," "Glee," or "Dance Your Ass Off."

But, I get nervous. I hate exercising around other people. I'd like to someday try a group exercise class, but am not ready for that yet. In the past months, I've gone to two water-aerobics sessions, and I was emotionally okay, but physically uncomfortable surrounded by so many people flailing about. My discomfort wasn't about my body in a swimsuit, though, for once.

4. I regularly keep up with weight-loss blogs, written not by diet experts, but folks with my same struggle. And I read a great entry today, on Deciding. I'm paraphrasing, but what the blogger Lyn wrote was that every time we put anything bad into our mouths, we are DECIDING to do it. We are not Out Of Control. We can't say "I couldn't help myself." And chalking our "discretions" up to a loss of control is just an excuse.

Okay, enough diet talk for now. So many other good things are happening now...it's so odd to finally feel this way after a lifetime of not really feeling it, but I am excited to be alive...for things that are coming, for my own accomplishments, for my husband, and for my family and friends. I have so many, many things to be grateful for.

Completely unrelated P.S...
I am currently going through my entire scrapbooking-materials collection and weeding, organizing, and USING it. It feels awesome. I have such trouble *implementing*, and I love having a few scrappy friends nearby to do actual cropping with. I spend many happy evenings separating stickers into categories (or, as Dad calls it, taking a bus driver's vacation) these days, and our dining table is set up so I can use it as a craft table when I want. I love it.

Back in the saddle again.

Thank you, Shannon, for inspiring me to get back into journaling!

I was thinking of taking things in a new direction, but am not sure how far that will go.

I love the idea of having a weight loss/diet blog, but am not sure how personal to get with it. (As in--what it's like to be overweight, and how that makes me even more hungry to attain my goal weight [see what I did there? HUNGRY?!! I AM AWESOME]...frustrations and cheating on diets and being lazy and all those things we don't like to talk about.)

It's one thing to be on plan every day and burning 1500 calories more than I ate, and walking in place for two hours and feeling strong and awesome, and getting that thrill from stepping on the scale and seeing a loss...but quite another to talk about the bad stuff. And maybe, just maybe, a blog will keep me a little more accountable for my actions.

I'm not saying that going forward, this blog will be exclusively about my Weight Loss Journey (gag). I am far too obsessed with a zillion other things. I do hope, though, to regularly keep journaling as an update on how I'm doing on the Healthy front.

I haven't been strictly On Plan for...many weeks. Really, since I started taking Paxil. As much as I do like that medication, its effect (that I don't worry about things so much) hasn't made dieting/exercise easy. Because I do best when I am ANAL. I measure everything out to the gram, for serious. I keep track of every calorie burned (Thanks, GoWear Fit device!), I use every spare moment at work to exercise, and I don't go to bed unless I've reached my target calorie burn. And when I follow this routine, I shed the weight quickly and effectively.

But, with Paxil...I don't care! Companion pretzels at Schnucks at 320 calories each? Why not?! Tax Crunch Baskin Robbins ice cream with hot fudge? What the hell, it won't kill me! (until it does.) McD's drive-through in the morning when I have a growly tummy? I DON'T CARE, I JUST WANT IT!

Part of this process is, I know, being in denial. As a fact, I know that I am probably addicted to food. But I don't think I TRULY FEEL that way. People who are addicted to food are 400 pounds, right? They can't go a day without scarfing a dozen doughnuts! They eat their weight at Golden Corral! They drink six cans of soda a day and a full bag of chips! (On a related note, though--this is probably why I will never, ever allow myself to go to Golden Corral.)

I know I need to accept, and ADDRESS, the problem. This is really difficult. I can't even call it 'my problem,' because I'm ashamed. It's so taboo. Yet...I have no trouble copping to my OTHER issues...social anxiety, anal-retentiveness, a tendency to be a pack-rat, etc. Maybe because it's easier to have a sense of humor about them? "No, I won't go to your party because I don't like people." I don't mind saying that. I turn it into a joke. But it's hard to say "I make extremely poor decisions when it comes to food, and I gain a lot of weight because of it." It makes me look out of control. Me, anal-retentive Gen, who needs to only put certain glasses in a designated row in the dishwasher, who uses only a certain type of bookmark, who CRAVES control. Why can't I control THIS?


I hope this continues. I hope I can keep an open dialogue with myself, and anyone who's still around to read this. I want to keep going.

Today has been okay, so far. I have a new Schnucks soup for lunch, and have eaten a yogurt for breakfast and half of my cottage cheese/pickled egg concoction for a morning snack. (Did I mention I also have a sour tooth, in addition to the sweet tooth?) Calories burned thus far: 225 over resting rate. My goal for the next little while is to burn 1000 over resting rate, which is usually 100 calories an hour.