Saturday, February 11, 2012

Losing my shit.

I started a new job last Wednesday, at a super-fast-paced and crazy-growing mortgage company that acts as the--broker? middleman? I don't even know--SOMETHING for veterans.
I know. YAWN. But it's actually pretty exciting, and my position is surprisingly similar to cataloging.

The company has this reputation for being really fun and easygoing with a zillion perks, and all that is true. Right now we're housed in like five separate buildings in town (including the old Skatin' Station!), though, and I have to think that all the fun is just happening in locations *other* than the one I'm working in. Which is fine--I don't need zany costumes and paper airplanes and karaoke or whatever shit. Eventually more of us will be in the same building, and I'm sure the dynamic will change.

But I so didn't know what I was getting myself into.

My position is a new one, and we're all just feeling our way through for now. I thought this would be a nice challenge, and that because the company is so relaxed, it wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I was assured of in my interview as well. I got along with everyone famously back then, and really wanted to be hired.

My actual work is extremely challenging and fulfilling. The day zips by in what feels like minutes, and I never even have more than a moment to sit down for lunch. I make my own hours as long as I work 40 a week, and they're cool with overtime. My third day, I was put in charge of eight student workers and interns for a huge that had never been done before and that I (of course) knew absolutely nothing about. I'm feeling my way blindly for goddamned sure, but it's trial by fire and I'm learning quickly. THAT part I dig.

But my boss...oh GOD, my boss. She is....

[Okay. She's a good, friendly person. I really liked her in my interview. We get along well, I'd say. Which is why I'm surprising myself at how viciously I have come to detest her in such a short period of time, when it comes to work.

I was told this position would be fairly independent...I wouldn't have much supervision and as long as I had a handle on what I was doing, I could do it how I wanted. PERFECT. This is how I thrive. As I said, I was thrust into this project in GO GO GO mode, and to be frank, I'm killing it. I'm proud of the work I'm doing, the people I'm supervising, and the rate we're going to complete it sooner than expected.] supervisor is like a helicopter mom. CONSTANTLY in my face..."So, you getting along good? Whatcha working on? Any issues today? When's so-and-so coming in? Did anyone tell you about the quirky microwave in the kitchen? Why are you using a calculator for that part? There shouldn't be any math. How many do we have left to do? How many have the interns done today?" And, fine, I realize that some of this stuff, she should know. She needs to know if I'm having issues. Maybe she needs to report on the interns' schedules. I'm all for open communication, and I DO appreciate a boss who is always in the loop.

But it's ALL THE TIME. Every half hour, some days. And she doesn't IM me with these questions (or at least freaking IM me and tell me she's on the way over), or e-mail, or set up a meeting, she just comes over, leans her butt on my desk, and yammers away...not caring a whit if I was in the middle of a very tedious Excel process which I need to start over if I'm interrupted. NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED OR ANYTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY MULTIPLE TIMES OMG I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DONE. And I *could* handle it better if it were just interruptions that I could answer quickly and move on. But inevitably she brings over, maybe every other interruption, a *major* change she just decided on. Which I then have to communicate separately to each person on the project--all of whom have different hours, no consistent e-mail system or access, and no IM. Every change also brings about an overhaul of how we've been doing the project, which she seems completely ignorant to. She breezes in with a "Oh, and btw, now we'll be checking this field against that field, thanks!" and when I tell her why that would be a fairly difficult thing to do given the information we're working with, I get a "Think positive, Genevieve! We're thinking positive about all this. Handle it, KTHXBAI!"

Her personality is very high-stress and 'flitty'...not unpleasantly so, just maddeningly so. She's always smiling and I don't believe her to be a negative person, but my heart rate goes up just by talking to her. Or hearing her nearby. Or now, recalling how she gets. I get stressed and kind of adopt her tone, and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure must be all day.

And I'm truly losing it. I had to have Neil come get me Friday after work because I couldn't drag myself the NINE MINUTES it takes to walk home. I was going absolutely crazy. The thing is...if she would just let me BE, I could work to get this project done faster than she could ever expect. I have it DOWN. I know what I'm doing! I need her to trust me, but more than that, I need her to drop the constant mothering that I think she puts on everyone in that department. I fear I won't last long if she doesn't.

But...I also fear it's her personality, and that it won't change. The thought of being surrounded by this amount of crazy for months down the road....oh, it just makes me panic. And the bitter irony of it is that if they let me just do this job as it was intended to be done, I could work the HELL out of it. I really do love it. :(

The worst part is, I feel the stress creep into my personal life. I'm hating quite a number of people right now...people who I normally like! Who have done NOTHING to make me angry. I'm judgey and bitter and jealous and savoring schadenfreude (with friends instead of enemies) and I feel ABSOLUTELY ugly and, for NO REASON, utterly alone. The bitch of it is that no one has made me feel this way! My friends have been supportive and loving and comforting and everything I know them to be. Neil takes good care of me, the kittens are cuddly and affectionate, my family's always glad to hear from me, and some really great and exciting things are on the horizon.

I hope it gets better. Or I gain patience and tolerance. I really don't want to sacrifice my sanity for a stupid, short-term job.

I wouldn't go back to my old job for anything. I know I didn't make a mistake leaving it. I just wish I was in a different place *now.*