Daylight Savings Time Can Go To Hell

Tomorrow is going to be Nasty.

It's almost 1:00 in the a.m. and I am not a bit tired. I was sick today when I woke up, so I took some congestion meds and went back to sleep...and had a verrrrrry lazy day thereafter.

I feel disgusting...disappointed in myself....lazy....and so, so, so fat. I don't like seeing people who haven't seen me in a few years because I'm sure they'll be thinking "Oh wow, she has gained WEIGHT."

It is so easy for me to forget my goals....forget how great it feels to wear skirts in the summer and cute jackets in the fall; to shop in the normal-sized section of Macy's and to give away all these clothes I hate.

But I HAVE to remember those goals. I don't want to face my next annual check-up with yet another not-loss, or worse, a 30-pound gain from last time. I don't want my doctor to tell me I'm pre-diabetic. I don't want to have a heart attack because my heart can't function properly trying to pump blood to my whole, huge body. I don't want to land in the hospital and worry my husband.

And I don't want to go shopping for clothes that are even bigger than the ones I have to wear now. The ones I HATE now.

I am so fortunate to have as friends people who DON'T make me feel ugly; who compliment my nicer clothes and say I look cute when I get my hairs cut, to have a husband who makes me feel beautiful and sexy every minute of the day. My yoga teacher takes me through moves that she knows I can handle, and I always feel strong and powerful with her, when I know I used to be able to do so much more.

But my body is rebelling now. My stomach is telling me not to fill it full of crap anymore. The skin there has new stretch marks. For the first time in my life, I have regular breakouts on my chin. I've passed another 'milestone of fear'...another number on the scale that was always so foreign, so out of reach, that I couldn't imagine ever getting there. And I HAVE.

AND I HAVE TO STOP. Caving into my cravings...letting even a day go by without some sort of exercise...letting myself mindlessly eat...and stop telling myself "okay, okay, just start Monday." I am SUCH a cliche. Everything weight-loss blogs or books or articles write about...that's my life. Am I a food addict? Probably. But I can't admit it.

My god, what will make me wake up? I have no major health issues; just inconveniences. Even reaching this milestone number didn't freak me out as much as it would have a year ago.

I'm trying this, again, again, AGAIN---and here, for accountability. I'm disappointed Atkins didn't work for me, so I'm going back to tried-and-true "burn more calories than I take in."

My regular goal each day is to burn 1000 more. If it's a weird day, like I'm sick or traveling or similar, I don't want to go below 500 more.

I hope I can keep my own promise to come back here once a day. If I don't, it means I didn't make my goal that day, and I'm ashamed of myself. And I am so, so tired of being ashamed of myself.


Thanks for being here with me. You're going to make this easier.