I found myself getting plagued with little worries all the time last winter/spring....even though things were great at home, and Neil and I had settled down into our various works and schools, and had worked hard to be emotionally there for one another...I still worried constantly. And I found myself losing my motivation to do anything BUT worry. No exercise, no eating well, no real hobbies. I just didn't care about improving myself--I needed to make sure that Neil was okay, even when he was totally fine. I'm sure I was annoying him with my frequently-asked "Are you okay, sweetie"s....GAG me....and bless him for not erupting with frustration every day.
I knew something had to change. I had to begin getting a hold of my health, physically and mentally. I wondered if an anti-anxiety med was the answer. When I remembered what ill effects Paxil had had on me, I worried again, but I knew with my husband and Dawson family close by, they could tell me if I wasn't acting myself. Plus, I totally knew I was different on Paxil back in 1999/2000. I felt kooky all the time!
It was, though, a tough decision. (Whoa, "tough" is "though" with an extra "h"!) When I finally got the nerve to call my doctor to make an appointment in early May, I was nearing a breaking point....worrying myself into a frenzy nearly every day. So when the secretary said Dr. Johnson didn't have an opening until July....well, I broke down. Silly, I know. And what else should I expect when I've chosen a super popular GP as my doctor?
I think the secretary took pity on me, because she worked some magic on her end. I received the call that they'd put in a prescription for me, and I could return in July to talk about it. I was so, so relieved!
Sometimes, my ultrasensitivity to medication is a bad thing. The first time I took Trazodone (a SUPER mild sleeping med), I felt woozy and drunk, and then like I had a killer hangover the in the morning. And it was half a tab of the least amount it even comes in. (It got better.)
But in this case, I couldn't WAIT to start...I knew it would come with crazy two-week-side-effects, but it might do away with some of the crazy I'd BEEN feeling. And boy, did it deliver. I was bouncing off the walls those first ten days! I didn't care about ANYTHING! (In a good way, though.) I was so grateful to have some of the weight lifted off my shoulders. I also lost fourteen pounds (though that definitely had to do with the fact that we visited Grandma in Reno then, and being in the West/mountains always makes me lose weight. True story), and was totally jittery, and sweated weirdly...but those effects all ended soon.
Suffice it to say, I'm still taking it. And I love it. Those kooky-crazy feelings of wild abandon that were there ten years ago aren't present now, but I can still let loose. I have way more energy to exercise and get things done. The only issue I've had is that, because this med makes me not really care about things that used to CONSUME me, I'm way more lax with money and food. I'm a total spendthrift, and a TOTAL glutton. :) I think I just need to take it day by day...or even hour by hour, for now. It's way too easy to leave my old anal self behind and say "Eh, don't worry about dieting today. CAAAAAAAKE!"
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