Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
At first, I didn't know what to write for this. I could say something about being unhealthy, about not doing everything I always say I will...not always doing the best work I know I can do, not keeping up with friends as mutually as I'd like.
But it suddenly hit me what I needed to write about. It was a splash of cold water, and I don't, don't, don't want to dwell on this. But I have been, and I need to let it go.
During the last few weeks of Mom's life, I was over to the house every night. She was all set up in the hospital bed, with oxygen and everything, and was mobile and alert. She was never alone, and I was 'in charge' one night while Dad and the kids went to game. I was sniffly due to burgeoning allergies, but was not accepting the fact, so I did nothing to treat the condition.
Mom's illness had brought us closer than ever. Our relationship had never been Gilmore-Girls stellar, but it was better than a lot of my friends' with their moms. So having the opportunity to really improve our relationship since her cancer diagnosis was such a blessing. I felt wonderful about our bond.
Mom hadn't taken a true turn for the worse yet, and we were all hoping that the hospice nurse's ballpark prediction of three months would prove true. Mom (understandably) was being extra careful about her well-being, and was concerned about my sniffles. I told her not to worry--I was looking forward to an evening alone with her. I'd been reading to her every night from Holes by Louis Sachar...a book I'd only recently read myself, and was so powerfully reminded of Mom at the ending that I felt strongly she needed to experience it as well.
Still she fretted, and I felt hurt that she didn't want me around (while at the same time begrudgingly understanding why). She asked that I not be in the same room with her, after she felt my forehead and it was warm. I retired to the living room, and called Elissa to come over, getting progressively (perhaps irrationally) more upset.
I was in silent tears as I left the house a little bit later. Selfish tears, yes, but I'm a stubborn one. I went home and sulked, probably playing some Golden Girls for comfort, as was my wont MANY nights around this time. After an hour or so, Mom called. She said she was sorry we missed an evening together, and did I want to chat for awhile? Still affronted, I said I was tired. We had a short conversation, then got off the phone.
The next day, I got off work at five and headed home. I didn't go straight to my parents' (as I normally had been doing), instead taking care of a few things around the house.
Dad called, and asked me to come over. I objected, saying Mom wouldn't want me there since I was a little sick. And yes, I was still being stubborn. Dad ignored me, and said "Just come over, please."
As soon as I saw his face, I knew something bad had happened. He filled me in...and I can't remember the exact details, nor do I want to. Mom had had a really bad night, and they had to call hospice. The head nurse pulled Dad aside and gave him the news...the worst news we'd had since learning of her initial diagnosis. Mom's life expectancy had gone way down. She was hanging on, but not by much. We couldn't expect much communication from here on out.
I will never, ever forget that moment with Dad. And I can't think about it without heaving with sobs.
We had a night of grieving. Everyone was low; we needed to be together.
Much later, I went home. As I settled numbly into my overstuffed couch, ready to be transported into a pastel-decorated Miami bungalow, it hit me. The phone call last night. The last phone call she would ever make to me. The one I blew off, focusing instead on my own FUCKING SELFISH emotions. My last chance to talk to a completely lucid Peggy, and I ruined it.
Wracked with guilt, I spent every minute I could at the house for the next two and a half weeks. I journaled almost all of those minutes, but cannot read it now. There were moments of sweet lucidity; hilarious moments of a completely uncensored Mama telling her friends *exactly* what she thought of them; touching and heartbreaking moments where she told me and Dad, surrounding her in an embrace, that she'd accepted what was to happen..."It's just life, Gen," with a sad, brave smile on her face, while Dad and I sobbed.
And then it was over.
And I can't forget it. I can't forgive myself for that night. Often, when I 'talk' to Mom before I go to sleep, I ask her if she remembers that, and express my sorrow at how I acted. I know it's spilled milk, and nothing good comes from me feeling bad about this.
But I still do.
I have to forgive myself.
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For me, by me.
About Me
- genevieve
- Columbia, MO, United States
I don't like some things.
Some might say, a lot of things.
}Skim milk
}Mealy gum. You know, when you've chewed it just a little too long and it's gettin' sticky.
}Post-its that don't stick (If I'da wanted a small square of paper that doesn't have a strip of removable stickiness, I would have saved my gum wrapper.)
}Mild cheddar cheese (WHAT is the point?)
}Shoes that conform to feet (i.e. Converses)
}Any Craig Kilborn replacement (Jon notwithstanding)
}Overhead lighting. (Lamps, lamps, lamps.)
}How clogs feel. (I need something covering my heel, people.)
}Indoor scarves. (Why? Just tell me why.)
}Scut Farkus' face. see also Stifler's face. (They're mean faces. The faces of a tool.)
}7th grade. see also Junior year of high school; sophomore year at Grinnell.
}February. (Never have 28 days felt so much like 31.)
}Too-cutesy scrapbook items. (Bees. Ladybugs. Fake-stitched anything. Letters with dots at the joints/ends.)
}Forced social situations (work gatherings; school functions where you have to stand and chat, like teas)
}That Jorge Cruise guy. (I'll 8 minute your morning, dillhole. I refuse to believe you were ever fat.)
}Going through a NYTX and getting no answers the first run-through. I feel so defeated. see also Monday NYTXs I can't finish
}Sunny Saturday afternoons
}Shared swimming lanes
}The stale smell of unwashed ashtrays
}The statement: "Don't worry. You'll find him someday!"
}Showering clean, then being surrounded/pushed/shoved by sweaty people on the morning subway during an NYC summer. Waste of time, my friends. Waste of time.
}Splurging on a coffee-shop-made flavored latte, then discovering they didn't put enough in to even taste it.
}Holier-than-thou vegetarians/vegans. (Grinnell was their hotbed, I swear.)
}Surprising raisins. Well, all raisins. But surprising raisins are the worst. I'll never forget the Schnuck's Curry Chicken Salad debacle a few years back.
}Chapstick that just sits there, wet and sticky, getting all up on my water-bottle lip.
}Hair that hasn't been washed for 24 hours or more.
}Really overly-long movies. (I am a big fan of the 100-minute film.)
}Iron-y tap water after days of Aquafina bliss
}When interviewees/commentators (particularly actors trying to sound British, Johnny Depp) say "Sort of." I know this is weird, but it's a lot more prevalant than you'd think. They're trying to explain their craft, or the scene, or something a little obtuse. And they completely overuse the words 'sort of.' Once I started noticing it, I couldn't stop. (Especially common during James Lipton meetings and DVD commentaries.)
}On female actresses who are supposed to be attractive: Big chins (Elisabeth Shue) and big mouths (Julia Roberts). I don't find it hideous on everyday folks, just on those who other people think are hot.
}Open-ended parentheses. I won't give one as an example because I'd need for it to be closed in order to not drive me nuts. Basically, it's a "(" without the ")".
}Loose hair, especially when wet
}Those roll-over-to-expand ads on the internets. Hate. They get me every time.
}This new trend of horror-movie ads not preparing you for what's coming. Usually, commercials for horror movies let you know, by a menacing voice or a threatening intro, what's coming, so I know to look away. But while we were in LA, Lily and I were furious at a new one that had a girl driving in her car when something scary jumped out behind her. No warning whatsoever. Completely unfair.
}When people say, usually to a group when giving a talk or something, "I'm not sure how many of you caught the PBS special on chicken turds [or whatever], but they blah blah blah..." Of course you're not sure. It's such a stupid phrase. SUCH!!!
}How the "Remove Page Element" button on this thing is right where the "Save Changes" button should be. I hover over it every single time I want to save. I'm totally going to inadvertently erase this whole thing one day.
}Skim milk
}Mealy gum. You know, when you've chewed it just a little too long and it's gettin' sticky.
}Post-its that don't stick (If I'da wanted a small square of paper that doesn't have a strip of removable stickiness, I would have saved my gum wrapper.)
}Mild cheddar cheese (WHAT is the point?)
}Shoes that conform to feet (i.e. Converses)
}Any Craig Kilborn replacement (Jon notwithstanding)
}Overhead lighting. (Lamps, lamps, lamps.)
}How clogs feel. (I need something covering my heel, people.)
}Indoor scarves. (Why? Just tell me why.)
}Scut Farkus' face. see also Stifler's face. (They're mean faces. The faces of a tool.)
}7th grade. see also Junior year of high school; sophomore year at Grinnell.
}February. (Never have 28 days felt so much like 31.)
}Too-cutesy scrapbook items. (Bees. Ladybugs. Fake-stitched anything. Letters with dots at the joints/ends.)
}Forced social situations (work gatherings; school functions where you have to stand and chat, like teas)
}That Jorge Cruise guy. (I'll 8 minute your morning, dillhole. I refuse to believe you were ever fat.)
}Going through a NYTX and getting no answers the first run-through. I feel so defeated. see also Monday NYTXs I can't finish
}Sunny Saturday afternoons
}Shared swimming lanes
}The stale smell of unwashed ashtrays
}The statement: "Don't worry. You'll find him someday!"
}Showering clean, then being surrounded/pushed/shoved by sweaty people on the morning subway during an NYC summer. Waste of time, my friends. Waste of time.
}Splurging on a coffee-shop-made flavored latte, then discovering they didn't put enough in to even taste it.
}Holier-than-thou vegetarians/vegans. (Grinnell was their hotbed, I swear.)
}Surprising raisins. Well, all raisins. But surprising raisins are the worst. I'll never forget the Schnuck's Curry Chicken Salad debacle a few years back.
}Chapstick that just sits there, wet and sticky, getting all up on my water-bottle lip.
}Hair that hasn't been washed for 24 hours or more.
}Really overly-long movies. (I am a big fan of the 100-minute film.)
}Iron-y tap water after days of Aquafina bliss
}When interviewees/commentators (particularly actors trying to sound British, Johnny Depp) say "Sort of." I know this is weird, but it's a lot more prevalant than you'd think. They're trying to explain their craft, or the scene, or something a little obtuse. And they completely overuse the words 'sort of.' Once I started noticing it, I couldn't stop. (Especially common during James Lipton meetings and DVD commentaries.)
}On female actresses who are supposed to be attractive: Big chins (Elisabeth Shue) and big mouths (Julia Roberts). I don't find it hideous on everyday folks, just on those who other people think are hot.
}Open-ended parentheses. I won't give one as an example because I'd need for it to be closed in order to not drive me nuts. Basically, it's a "(" without the ")".
}Loose hair, especially when wet
}Those roll-over-to-expand ads on the internets. Hate. They get me every time.
}This new trend of horror-movie ads not preparing you for what's coming. Usually, commercials for horror movies let you know, by a menacing voice or a threatening intro, what's coming, so I know to look away. But while we were in LA, Lily and I were furious at a new one that had a girl driving in her car when something scary jumped out behind her. No warning whatsoever. Completely unfair.
}When people say, usually to a group when giving a talk or something, "I'm not sure how many of you caught the PBS special on chicken turds [or whatever], but they blah blah blah..." Of course you're not sure. It's such a stupid phrase. SUCH!!!
}How the "Remove Page Element" button on this thing is right where the "Save Changes" button should be. I hover over it every single time I want to save. I'm totally going to inadvertently erase this whole thing one day.
}Cars in the summertime. Being in 'em, being beside 'em, being in parking lots full of 'em. YUCKS!
...but I do get a kick out of these (and you)!
See? I can be positive! Just look at these, with BONUS plus signs!
+Target bags. Not their purses (though those always draw my eye), but their bags that they give you when you buy something. White with the red targets all over them. It's just a good quality bag, especially versus the Wal-Mart/Hy-Vee/Schnucks/Gerbes bags of Columbia. They're reassuring. "We won't rip open just because you bought a frozen pizza that's a little too large for us," they say. When the opportunity arose a few months ago to send in used Target bags and get an eco-friendly one made FROM the bags,
I didn't buy the Newsweek magazine with the mailer in it. I regret that decision almost daily. (Although, I would have blanched at the thought of getting rid of ANY of my Target bags.)
+Finishing a whole container of lotion. (I have such a backlog!)
+Sweet butter lettuce, in salads or on sandwiches (like that gourmet burger place by our hotel in London!)
+My Scrap Area set-up, erected by my dear Neil
+Christopher Guest films (Okay, except "For Your Consideration")
+Lotion that absorbs quickly, while still giving me the moisturizing I crave
+Poor Toby, with his sad eyes and mighty Pam-crush
+When Sean darts around eating his crickets each morning
+Downloading a free trial of a game, ostensibly for 60 minutes, but some glitch lets it run and run until you quit out
+Heroes of Might & Magic II. Usually the Wizard hero. But the Sorceress & Warlock have their perks too.
+The way Kevin (of Scrantonicity) looks just like Allen Weltig when he smiles or squints!
+Electric toothbrushes
+Scattergories. Cranium. Encore. Apples to Apples. Trivial Pursuit. Password.
+Listening to the waves at night
+Envelopes where you pull off the paper to stick the flap on. No licking!
+Innovative chipboard (or other material) letters
+Surprising Neil with something special
+Breezy summer nights
+Simon & Garfunkel; Peter, Paul, & Mary
+My mama's laugh
+Those DirecTV commercials with the Best-in-Show/Guffman people
+This one body wash I bought once at the JC K-Mart, of all places. Skin Milk or something...it smelled like tapioca pudding.
+Moscato D'Asti. (First taste: when Mom & Pops took me out to Sophia's a few years back)
+Joe Buck. Even in commercials.
+Making Neil really laugh, when it comes from deep in his belly.
+Driving/riding at night, longer distances
+Balconies
+Cems, Grain elevators, and Snails. (These are what I 'call' on the road--like how people used to call VW bugs. Cems are cemeteries; grain elevators are...grain elevators, and Snails are those things from Sears on the tops of cars. I sometimes call Fake Snails, if they're not the "EX-CARGO" brand, but a Snail is only a true Snail when it has the logo on the side.)
+The Cupcakerie
+The anticipation of going to new scrapbook stores. I can never sleep the night before I know I'll be going!
+Puzzles of medium difficulty (i.e., Al Dente, a 500-piece photo still life of all these kinds of dry pasta the Dawsons have been doing since I was wee)
+David Eckstein. I *love* how he runs like hell to first base even on a walk. And he got married to his cute wife at Disneyworld! Come on.
+Driveways. I can see the beauty in every driveway in the world, honestly.
+Heirloom tomatoes with sea salt (also fresh edamame with same)
+Target bags. Not their purses (though those always draw my eye), but their bags that they give you when you buy something. White with the red targets all over them. It's just a good quality bag, especially versus the Wal-Mart/Hy-Vee/Schnucks/Gerbes bags of Columbia. They're reassuring. "We won't rip open just because you bought a frozen pizza that's a little too large for us," they say. When the opportunity arose a few months ago to send in used Target bags and get an eco-friendly one made FROM the bags,
I didn't buy the Newsweek magazine with the mailer in it. I regret that decision almost daily. (Although, I would have blanched at the thought of getting rid of ANY of my Target bags.)
+Finishing a whole container of lotion. (I have such a backlog!)
+Sweet butter lettuce, in salads or on sandwiches (like that gourmet burger place by our hotel in London!)
+My Scrap Area set-up, erected by my dear Neil
+Christopher Guest films (Okay, except "For Your Consideration")
+Lotion that absorbs quickly, while still giving me the moisturizing I crave
+Poor Toby, with his sad eyes and mighty Pam-crush
+When Sean darts around eating his crickets each morning
+Downloading a free trial of a game, ostensibly for 60 minutes, but some glitch lets it run and run until you quit out
+Heroes of Might & Magic II. Usually the Wizard hero. But the Sorceress & Warlock have their perks too.
+The way Kevin (of Scrantonicity) looks just like Allen Weltig when he smiles or squints!
+Electric toothbrushes
+Scattergories. Cranium. Encore. Apples to Apples. Trivial Pursuit. Password.
+Listening to the waves at night
+Envelopes where you pull off the paper to stick the flap on. No licking!
+Innovative chipboard (or other material) letters
+Surprising Neil with something special
+Breezy summer nights
+Simon & Garfunkel; Peter, Paul, & Mary
+My mama's laugh
+Those DirecTV commercials with the Best-in-Show/Guffman people
+This one body wash I bought once at the JC K-Mart, of all places. Skin Milk or something...it smelled like tapioca pudding.
+Moscato D'Asti. (First taste: when Mom & Pops took me out to Sophia's a few years back)
+Joe Buck. Even in commercials.
+Making Neil really laugh, when it comes from deep in his belly.
+Driving/riding at night, longer distances
+Balconies
+Cems, Grain elevators, and Snails. (These are what I 'call' on the road--like how people used to call VW bugs. Cems are cemeteries; grain elevators are...grain elevators, and Snails are those things from Sears on the tops of cars. I sometimes call Fake Snails, if they're not the "EX-CARGO" brand, but a Snail is only a true Snail when it has the logo on the side.)
+The Cupcakerie
+The anticipation of going to new scrapbook stores. I can never sleep the night before I know I'll be going!
+Puzzles of medium difficulty (i.e., Al Dente, a 500-piece photo still life of all these kinds of dry pasta the Dawsons have been doing since I was wee)
+David Eckstein. I *love* how he runs like hell to first base even on a walk. And he got married to his cute wife at Disneyworld! Come on.
+Driveways. I can see the beauty in every driveway in the world, honestly.
+Heirloom tomatoes with sea salt (also fresh edamame with same)
Yum...guilty pleasures.
First of all, what is a guilty pleasure? Something to be ashamed of? Or is it just something we like that we think most people don't?
*Sauce specific to restaurants, sometimes straight out of the packet (Arby's sauce; Taco Bell mild)
*Happy 1960s & 70s songs, like "I'm Into Something Good" or anything Abba
*Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (And I'm so glad Neil joins me in this trashfest!)
*A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and its successor, That's Amore!
*The McRib sandwich. Extra pickles and sometimes onions.
*Crying during either of the two Josh Groban songs he did on Ally McBeal
*Hearing the dish on rude celebrities via Lily & Steve
*Cottage cheese with diced tomatoes, garlic, & onions (is this guilty since it's halfway good for me?)
*Buying gobs and gobs of whatever scrapbook supplies I want. (This is no longer an indulgence I can partake of as often as I once did, and that's fine by me! A person can only organize so many alphabet stickers.)
*Looking at Neil's ring glisten in new kinds of light
*Listening to (& leaving) long rambling messages on voicemail from (& for) Emily
*Floating in the Lazy River--not against it, with it--after I'm done with my workout
*Lazing in bed til noon on the weekend
*Poison, obviously
*Cherry Chip cake with pink cherry icing
*Sauce specific to restaurants, sometimes straight out of the packet (Arby's sauce; Taco Bell mild)
*Happy 1960s & 70s songs, like "I'm Into Something Good" or anything Abba
*Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (And I'm so glad Neil joins me in this trashfest!)
*A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and its successor, That's Amore!
*The McRib sandwich. Extra pickles and sometimes onions.
*Crying during either of the two Josh Groban songs he did on Ally McBeal
*Hearing the dish on rude celebrities via Lily & Steve
*Cottage cheese with diced tomatoes, garlic, & onions (is this guilty since it's halfway good for me?)
*Buying gobs and gobs of whatever scrapbook supplies I want. (This is no longer an indulgence I can partake of as often as I once did, and that's fine by me! A person can only organize so many alphabet stickers.)
*Looking at Neil's ring glisten in new kinds of light
*Listening to (& leaving) long rambling messages on voicemail from (& for) Emily
*Floating in the Lazy River--not against it, with it--after I'm done with my workout
*Lazing in bed til noon on the weekend
*Poison, obviously
*Cherry Chip cake with pink cherry icing
New & better habits formed & forming
- Brushing teeth twice a day now, instead of just in the morning
- Coupon-clipping and bargain shopping like a mofo
- Doing NYT crosswords pretty much daily online
- Getting to bed earlier than 2:00
- Journaling (see left)
- Keeping a close eye on finances online
- Keeping house in good shape (dishes, picked up)
- No snacking after Neil goes to bed (still working on this one...)
- Not really buying scrapbook stuff anymore
- Paying off credit card debt, slowly but surely
- Paying off money Dad has fronted us for many occasions
- Reading books regularly
- Swimming again during the work-week
- Turning down the heat whenever I leave for work
- Using the library again instead of buying every book I want
Major goals & purchases
::Pay off credit cards
-Macy's
-Target
-Chase Freedom
-Capital One
-Neil's Leopard
-Commerce Bank back-up
::Get married!
::Go through all tubs in BR #2
::Sell eBay items for majority of the summer, when I'm off
::Find a place for all scrapbook stuff, accessibly
::Lose lbs, in 10-pound increments
::Go swimming on a regular basis
::Dyson purchase (We like the Animal one, in case we ever get a dog)
::PC Laptop (which may be moot if Leopard/Windows installs successfully! Yay!)
::Sort through scrapbook odds and ends and store it all
::Read all 40-something DBRL books stacked on my dresser
::Empty green boxes of magazines & Harlequins
::Finish going through already-read magazines to save articles & toss the rest
::Do my 2008 taxes with Pops
-Macy's
-Target
-Chase Freedom
-Capital One
-Neil's Leopard
-Commerce Bank back-up
::Get married!
::Go through all tubs in BR #2
::Sell eBay items for majority of the summer, when I'm off
::Find a place for all scrapbook stuff, accessibly
::Lose lbs, in 10-pound increments
::Go swimming on a regular basis
::Dyson purchase (We like the Animal one, in case we ever get a dog)
::PC Laptop (which may be moot if Leopard/Windows installs successfully! Yay!)
::Sort through scrapbook odds and ends and store it all
::Read all 40-something DBRL books stacked on my dresser
::Empty green boxes of magazines & Harlequins
::Finish going through already-read magazines to save articles & toss the rest
::Do my 2008 taxes with Pops
I'm going to make up a survey. Also included are quiz questions I've been working on.
- Scattergory fun! Name as many things as you can think of that you want right now. Use as many letters of the alphabet to name these things as you can, but use each letter only once. (For example, I want: Apple pie; BCBG perfume; Corvette; Dansko shoes; Eli Manning...etc)
- What sport do you watch with regularity?
- Will you pay for bottled water?
- Are you anal, or laid-back? NO gray areas here.
- How do you feel about snakes?
- Name three TV shows that have turned into movies (regardless of whether the TV show continues broadcasting).
- Now name three movies that have turned into TV shows.
- Have you been to Canada? Why?
- Where is the best lemonade?
- Who is your favorite extended family member?
- When you're putting something together in the kitchen--a recipe, or a sandwich, or whatever--do you put each used item away as you use it, or all at the very end? (Or do you just leave everything out for someone else to clean up?)
- Name the three NBA teams whose mascots do NOT end in the letter "S."
3 comments:
beautiful. and tragic. i am so glad you shared this. everybody needs a reminder that even if somebody isn't sick all of our last conversations could end up being our "last conversations".
*hugs*
You brought tears to my eyes with this post. It also reminded me of the last phone conversation I had with my brother. I jokingly asked him what he was going to get me for my birthday (he was having money issues at the time, so it was kind of a mean joke, but we laughed about it). A few days later he was gone, and all I was left thinking about was that last conversation I had with him...
Anyways, sorry for the rambling. Just wanted to say that I truly feel your pain with this one. HUGS!
Oh, wow. What a tangle of emotions everybody must have been in the midst of at that time. I'm sure she would never dwell on those moments as much as you certainly (rightfully) have, but I know she would have wanted you to take the lesson from it: don't take a single second for granted, because you just never know. It's a reminder we could all use from time to time.
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