Processing.

I have so many thoughts swirling around, I don't know where to begin. Half of it I can't write here anyway, so that helps. (Or not. Probably not.)

I'll just start with the basics.

CK Spring Temptations perfume, 1 brown flocked round beaded bracelet and 1 brown two-toned wooden-beaded bracelet (both removed), yellow rhinestone pendant necklace (removed due to damage); olive-y, yellow-y rhinestone dangly stud earrings.

Back to work after a long weekend, which was alternately awesome and absolutely terrible. Hyatt at the Arch--you've lost my business for good. But it was fantastic to see my darlin' Shannon, even if it was for far too short a time. I finished a crafty project (this is big, people....I am *not* a finisher!) and made a trip to the storage unit and finished an audio book. And kept reasonably well to my eating plan--although with travel it's always hard to be exact. Two pounds down this week, and I'm happy with that.

I can't quite believe this, but my work has recently no longer become the haven it once was. I'm not having a conflict with a co-worker exactly...it's just what I fear is the end to a friendship. And it makes me sad beyond what I would have expected. Since we're a tight-knit group, and I'm the prickliest one, I've been...not shunned, exactly. Everyone is too nice for that. They're all polite and kind and caring. It's just not the same for me there anymore. The group is not as cohesive (when I am around), and I am no longer sought out for chats or entertainment or what have you. It kinda kills me. :( I thought it would be one of the hardest things to eventually leave here next year, but now I don't think it will be. Silver lining, I guess.

Anyway.

I've noticed a strange feeling lately in regards to my eating. Before, when I was hungry, it was delightful to eat. I looked forward to it and planned it and made my life revolve around food. But with this plan, since I don't LOVE it, I just don't want to be hungry. Of course there are things I love to eat AND go with the plan, and I have those things on occasion. But mostly I just want to make it through the day without cheating or puking. So I've been semi-enjoying the *presence of* protein shakes...never liked them much before, but now they serve a purpose. They make my tummy un-growly, and they have nutrients I'm probably not getting elsewhere. And I don't love them, so I don't overdo it.

It's nice to not crave huge delicious meals all the time, and I like that I have an alternative when I just don't want to think about food. But at the same time, I miss that feeling--of being perfectly sated (or, most of the time, STUFFED) after eating *exactly* what I'm craving. (I don't, however, miss the rare heartburn, or waking up *still* feeling full because of a binge the night before, or hating the scale with a passion.)

I've definitely been trying to substitute favorite things, or indulgent things, with plan-friendly dishes. And while that does absolutely work...it doesn't teach me anything, you know? And I'm very conscious of that--whether or not I actually heed it. Even if I make a perfect imitation of a Dewey's Extra Pepperoni, I shouldn't eat as much as I can hold.

Cruddy week...

It's only Thursday?!!

I guess I can't expect anything better, when I mistakenly thought TUESDAY was Friday. This has been a long one.

I think I'm becoming a *reluctant* sun-appreciator. I'm not saying 'worshiper' yet. But I'm so, so tired of the gray skies and the rain. Spring has become nonexistent in Columbia...and I have gobs and gobs I need to do, most of which must be put on hold due to the constant rain.

OH I AM IN SUCH A BAD MOOD. Terrible dreams last night...a better-than-average 6 hours of sleep, but that still sucks...the awful meeting we were supposed to have yesterday PM is now THIS afternoon because we had to spend almost TWO extremely uncomfortable hours in the depressing basement on Wednesday...I can't get work done on the house/storage unit because of ALL THE DAMNED RAIN...and I'm just not motivated/energetic/HAPPY. I want to be peppy again. I'm not saying it happens often, but it feels so great when I am.

Today I'm wearing Marc Jacobs' Daisy perfume, a yellow and burnished gold round pendant necklace, coppery beaded bracelets which I've already removed, and small gold earrings that say "STOP." Because I want this work-week to EFFING STOP. I have a *fun* weekend planned, and it can't come fast enough.

Oh, and Scotty winning Idol...better him than that fakey Lauren, but I still don't really care. We stopped watching weeks ago. Not a super-impressive finale either. Tom Jones? Gladys Knight? Er....thanks. [I'm also dismayed that they didn't show Adam, even though he said he'd be there.]

Slowwww day

1 AM bedtime *again* last night. Arghh! I wasn't even a bit tired earlier, either--I didn't push it, I just stayed up til I was sleepy enough to dream. I'm paying for it today. And I'm on Reference, so lord help the patron who decides to ask me something complex. "You could probs just look that up on the web, man" will undoubtedly be my response.

I was mondo, mondo hungry yesterday evening. I didn't cheat, though--it's just that everything sounded good. So I ate what was allowed. I was so glad to wake up today knowing that I didn't fall off the wagon last night! And more of that yummy quiche awaited me at work.

DKNY Spring Blossom scent, plain silver Fossil toggle bracelet, the necklace from "Wicked" that Roger gave me last birthday, and clear pillow earrings studded with 'seed' rhinestones, shaped like a strawberry.

...bit of an UGH day at work today. It WILL be okay, and the supervisors are on our side, but someone here is mind-bogglingly detail-oriented and it's affecting everyone on this certain project. The project could have been done weeks ago, and we're still helping her hack away at it. It's kind of making me crazy. And I'm TOTALLY detail-oriented! I'm into details, yo! I do recognize, though, that I have to Let Go Of The Anal in order to do my work efficiently, and I'm pretty successful at that. She, on the other hand.....is NOT. It doesn't help that I don't really like her.

Don't you hate that--when you don't like someone just because of who they are (rather than something they've done to you)? I mean...I don't like it when I don't like someone because they have been mean to me or whatever either, but far too often I dislike someone because they have a crabby face or annoying tics or breathe too heavily when they talk.


Okay, that's all I got.

Okay, sunny mornings aren't SO bad when it's 63 degrees outside.

Days5-7 were absolutely good, and my weigh-in this morning reflected a solid week adhering to the new rules. Woo woo!

AND I have a quiche for breakfast today, which totally started my Monday morning off right. I know I'll need a nap (too keyed up last night to get to sleep before 1 in the AM), but I'm very content right now.

The weekend was good, too. I finished editing Dad's manuscript, saw Lily and my gorgeous yoga instructor Melissa dance at the annual recital, returned things to three stores (and in the exchange process, got a bunch of Fiestaware on clearance), made a quiche, and enjoyed a crazy storm while safely inside on Sunday evening. Neil and I watched a lot of Metallica (Hetfield is almost 50! Holy what?!!) performing with the San Francisco Symphony, and there was a lot of cuddling. I booked two mini-trips--one next weekend to see my lovely, lovely friend Shannon in Illinois (girl, you need to give me a Plans tutorial while I'm with you. I don't know how to navigate there!), and one over the 4th of July weekend to meet our fabulous friends Ben and Candice in StL to see Eddie Vedder at the Fox. Neil and Candice are obsessed, so I suspect Ben and I will commiserate about our Pearl Jam widow/widower status the whole time. :) If only he scrapbooked!

The next month and a half is gonna be nutso. But in a good way.

May 27-29: St Louis/Mt Carmel IL

June 4: Yoga, Art in the Park, massage; June 5: BIRTHDAY WOOOOOO

June 8-9: MOBIUS Conference in Columbia

June 10: Begin driving after work toward North Carolina

June 11-13: Spend time with Morgan in Asheville and Joe and his girl in Chapel Hill

June 13-17: Beach house at Oak Island, NC with the Dazets [Mark's wedding on the 15th]

June 24: Sarah's bachelorette party in swingin' Boonville, MO; June 25: Sarah's bridal shower

July 1-3: StL for concert and Good Times

....and then it should settle down some until Sarah's wedding on August 13. I'd love to see her in Enid before that, though; we'll see.

Today: usual shower scent, big antigued-gold beads and ribbony necklace, light olive green smooth rock bracelet and tiny-green-rock bracelet (yeah, two at once. I AM A FASHION ICON), no earrings even though my hair is currently still wet and up in a claw. It will be down eventually though. i think. AND....[drum roll]....NO BOOT! I switched to kinesiology tape after a co-worker recommended it, and I think I'm getting the tips and tricks down to master this technique successfully. If my foot's still hurting just as bad at the end of this week, though, I'll have to take the prednisone. That's so not good for my upcoming plans, but I'll survive.

Will that damned song forever come to mind on Fridays??

Day 4 went swimmingly, despite skipping lunch again and grocery-shopping after work.

Viva La Juicy scent, copper/silver stretchy bracelets from the Getty gift store, and copper-wired blue sparkly flower earrings from ABC, of which I have already lost one. Oh well. No necklace because my shirt has metal spangles on the neck line.

I'm watching the director's commentary of "Amelie" now and I keep giggling. Jeunet is so damned funny. I'm not a crazy fan of the movie itself, but I want to watch all his commentaries now.

He talks about the actor playing Amelie's love interest, and says "It is a tragedy because he doesn't work much. He is lazy. It all comes so easy for him. I am jealous--I hate him, in fact." and then, reassuring..."I am keeding."

On Audrey Tatou, the first day of filming. "Look at her 'aircut. She eez ugly. Like a cat....like a VET CAT."

"Filming in France is very deeficult because zee people...are mean. One time zis guy on the street said 'Fuck de cinema!' and would not move. We had to wait for him. One hour." "Don't come to Paris. It is miserable for zee French. Dog sheet all over" and then, a few moments later: "I like Paris. Iz very nice."

"I told dees woman to 'av low IQ for the scene. Her IQ was too high and I tell her to have a low IQ. And she did! She was so stupid! She was like a bird. In the scene."

When Amelie trades the foot cream for toothpaste: "Like all zee director in the world, I 'ave some very bad critics sometimes and I remember I had very very bad critic in France for the City of Lost Children and I remember I wanted to keel dis guy. And I imageened revenge, and that's the revenge I thought for him. But it's better to put in a film. Ob-vyooz-lee." ('obviously'--three syllables. SO FREAKING CHARMING!)

Okay, I'll stop for now. My lunch hour is up.

Rainy morning!

I love gray or rainy...it's so not in-your-face, as sun always is, and how I generally prefer to be in the mornings. In more ways than one.

Day 3 went swimmingly, and I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning--and was pleasantly surprised. Seeing a loss is often a trigger for self-sabotage, though, so I'm going to try hard and make that NOT happen today, or anytime soon. I AM considering taking my birthday off, however.

Today is no scent but for Pantene and Lime/Coriander, an orange pave fireball M&M necklace (yes, I'm aware of the irony), and a colorful beaded bracelet I chose because it had orange in it. Hair down, so no earrings.

Speaking of hair...for awhile I loved mine. It had grown should-length after my Chop of 2010, the red color had faded to a light brown, and I was getting compliments and compliments. But now it's getting heavier and shaggier, and I should probably get a cut as the summer gets hotter. I know I'll get back into the Daily Ponytail habit if I don't.


Because I have so much protein for breakfast, I've not been eating lunch at midday and instead having another protein-y snack before I leave for the day. I *think* that's okay...right? I just hate eating at certain times simply because it's socially accepted. I hated that with dorm life. And all my friends ate at 4:30. :(


That's all for now because I hafta pee.

And goin'...

Day 2 a success. I was ridiculous productive at home in the evening, but I was too keyed up then to get to bed at a reasonable hour and was up way past midnight.

I'd love to cook/prep one thing every night for the next day, so I don't have to think about food in the morning. But I think that goal's a bit too lofty...maybe every other day, and every day if I'm able? We'll see.

I'm in Ed Hardy perfume, a silver birdcage-with-bird-inside necklace, my crazy beloved beaded stretch bracelet, and the silver woman-sitting-on-the-edge-of-a-crescent-moon earrings from Mom. [Also, for the record, crazy beloved.]

Ohhhh this is a long day. I guess it's a testament to my job that days usually don't feel this long.

I feel boring and bored.
Also lazy.
And fizzy and funny and fine.

[Not really on those last three.]

It's goin'.

Day 1 went well. I thought it would be so much worse...and it might still be, for future days...but often, Day 1 is the hardest, because it's SO EASY to say "Aww, I'll just have ONE LAST cheat day, and then start tomorrow. It won't hurt a thing."

I'm not wearing a certain scent today, just showered with Lime and Coriander Bath and Body Works shower gel and Pantene shampoo (and perhaps that's all I need--my hubs said I smelled good when I bade him farewell this morning). Around my neck is the silver Betsey necklace Lily picked out for me (huge crystal heart, fireball, little mesh bow), and no other jewelry because my army-green jacket is long-sleeved and my hair is down. Even though I am not wearing my jacket at my desk. Dangit.

I got a decent night's sleep, and may not even take a nap today! I was drifting off all last evening and thought I might even hit the sack before 9, but didn't get there til 10:30. Still....progress. My only lament is that I'm sacrificing my Comfort-in-the-form-of-Golden-Girls time, but you know what? Lifetime TV will always be there for me when I need them again. I'm thinking of going through the Gilmores again just to switch it up a bit, and because I've never watched the last couple seasons over again.

We're watching Season 3 of Big Bang Theory, and I Looooooove it. Sheldon is a treasure. He gets better and better with each season. Penny used to annoy me, but not so much anymore. The only character I can't stand is Howard's mom--it's a one-note gag, and those scenes seem to last foreeeeeever. But that's probably just because I can't wait for the other, better scenes to commence.

I'm boring today. But that's better than being angry or depressed, right?

Right.

It is Friday.

And it's been a long week. Four-day weeks are always long, because you expect them to be short.

Today I'm in Chance by Chanel and my altered Scrabble tile King Louis XIV chair (or whatever) necklace...my cardigan is too long and delicate for a necklace, and my hair is (okay, WAS) down so no earrings (P.S., Herbal Essences Pin-Straight Shampoo and Conditioner combo: YOU DO NOT WORK). Oh, and I'm wearing an ugly, ugly boot. It is also hot in the boot. And total flip-flop weather. BEW.

I'm a little resigned, because in the very close horizon is a new-ish eating plan. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even going to talk about it specifically. I just know things have to change, and I can't do it alone, and I can't do it using general dietary regulations like WW or a reduction in caloric intake, because at this point in my life, I don't have the $%*ing discipline. And that depresses me. I've done it before, but I can't do it now. I'm in such severe Food-As-Comfort and Self-Sabotage mode that I can't even go more than a couple days without ruining it. I've tried OA; I may go back, but I need something more immediate now (they were all thin! Gah!) so it won't be a twice-a-week thing just yet. I need to supplement those meetings with a definite plan.

I've been gritting my teeth all day...not a good sign. I'm hungry for lunch but what's here doesn't sound good. There is work to be done but my motivation is in the negative zone. I didn't get much sleep during my sub-desk lunchtime nap (and a big fat four hours last night!). I'm addicted to online games again. Scraps of paper clutter my bags, filled with grocery items to buy, chores to do, things to look up, and errands to run.



But at least it's Friday. I have the whole weekend to turn the grump around...