This summer has been hard...the hardest I've ever been through. So many things have ended in disaster that I can't even fathom what could make it better. I cry at least once a day, due not to depression but circumstance.
I am lucky that I'm not clinically depressed...I know this. Sure, I take medication for social anxiety, but I really think it's just my introvert tendency. I'd like to wean myself off Paxil. I have ever believed that, though antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds are helpful to those who need them, they are prescribed too easily. And I don't think I'm a person who can't function without them.
Little, PIDDLY things make me so angry these days. Furious, even. I find myself going to the Deep Dark Well of Hate much more often than I used to. It's a comfortable place for me to be. It's EASY to hate everything. It's EASY to believe that life handed me the shit cards and I can do nothing about it. What's hard is keeping my chin up. Believing in people. Trusting in friends and loved ones again. I've gone so often to a negative place in my life that I know I could stay here for a long time if I let myself.
I don't like myself. I'm not taking care of my body. I think I've painted my toenails twice this summer...that's a metaphor for the rest of me. It's summer, and my toenails should always be painted! I choose poorly when it comes to my diet. I don't exercise and haven't (in a major way) for months and months. I consistently turn to comfort, rather than productivity, in everything I do--in my free time I don't craft or get together with friends, I play solitaire or hidden object games with Golden Girls on in the background. I revel in my solitude while convincing myself that I am unloved.
I hope it will get better.
3 comments:
You are never ever ever ever ever unloved. I love and miss you more than any human should, and if I feel that way, I know that there are hoardes more people who feel exactly the same. You are this amazing, wonderful light for so many people out there, so please know that there is a whole world of people who love and care about you more than they can express. I'm here for you any time
It WILL get better. For now, don't beat yourself up about doing the things that bring you comfort. The time will come when you will want to socialize again, and want to exercise, and want to paint your toenails. For the moment, know that you are loved, and that there are people out there who understand why you are making the choices you are making, and who think that you are fantastic no matter what your toenails look like. Hang in there.
I love what your two dear friends wrote here. I agree with all my heart with both of them-- shannon's comment that you are a light and a joy to people (me me me!!!!!!! ) and lindz's comment that toes don't matter-- this is a season of coping.
I ache for you so very much. I have a Deep Well of Anger myself and I know a bit if how it feels to let myself go there. I can't understand your pain perfectly, but I can sympathize and cry out on your behalf. I love you through it all, gen. There WILL be joy again.
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