Doldrums lifted

Whew. That was a sad post I last wrote. I'm not that sad anymore.

Except, I'm still not getting the sleep I should. Not exercising, and not eating well. In a fit of annoyance last night, I quit the game I'm letting take up all my time, and I'm so glad I did. I didn't even want to leave the possibility open of me going back to it, so I deleted all the FB-friends who play with me and removed the app. (OK, yeah, I could re-install it, but I don't think I'll be tempted.)

I feel like I am *always* hungry lately. Like I'll eat a nice-sized lunch, and ten minutes after I'm finished and onto another activity, my body will feel like it hasn't eaten yet. This is, obviously, worrisome.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about overeating and why I act the way I do around food. And what I'm coming up with is the notion of the Picky Overeater. Which seems a contradiction in terms, a little bit...if someone is classified as picky, I picture an unhappy skinny-as-a-rail person staring distastefully at a plate of food and eating like a bird. But I'm the opposite. I finish my food, every time.

It's kind of a sick goal. No matter how full I am, if I'm in front of a dish I love, I WILL finish it. And I think part of the reason is *because* I'm picky. Because I'll NEVER get that dish again exactly like this, exactly the way I like it.

Which, of course, is completely untrue. McDonald's always tastes exactly the same. I order my favorite pasta dish from Macaroni Grill the same way each time, and it tastes exactly the same. A Hershey Bar is always exactly the same. But it doesn't matter. "I could be on a diet next time! I could be lactose intolerant or diabetic or so broke that I can't afford another $1 McDouble EVER AGAIN!" I justify it.

I was recently a bridesmaid in my dear friend Sarah's wedding, and got to spend a lot of time with her this summer in preparation. We've always been really close, but I observed her more recently in terms of her lifestyle--she's in fantastic shape and always has been, yet always participates in eating and snacking with everyone else and just seems to enjoy it all. And, I think...that's WHY she's so healthy. First, because she does eat everything, including scads of vegetables and fruits and healthy grains and such. But also, because she does love everything out there, and doesn't have this mindset of "I HAVE to eat this whole box of cookies because I don't like any other cookie quite the way I love these." She loves them and will have some, but she loves a lot of other things equally. (She also exercises, which would definitely help me...)

I also have gotten into the bad, bad habit--over the course of years and years and years--of serving myself far more than what would be called a single serving, of anything. ANYTHING. (Well, anything that I actually *like*, that is.) Restaurants, of course, are no help for this, as their servings are monstrous already. And I try to not eat a huge amount of food in front of most people. But whenever I fix something, I know I won't be sticking to the 'serving size' listed on the box. Even when I'm dieting, I'll save my calories to eat a big dinner, knowing I will have banked enough to have multiple servings of a single recipe/convenience food. I'd rather skip a meal and binge later than to eat sensibly during both meals.
Boy, that sounds nutso.


I have such a long way to go in controlling this. And it might be that I can't control it and will have to make rules for myself (i.e., no cookies in the house, period!) in order to maintain a reasonable weight. I hate that my addiction is so physically obvious, as opposed to others who can easily hide theirs. Or, maybe, that's actually a good thing, because I can't ignore how I look in the mirror, or photographs.