One Year Here.

We rumbled into town before noon on July 2, 2012...and here we are, one year later.  It's been a good one. And I can't say I've had a lot of fantastic years in my life.

I like year-end questionnaires, but I feel like my life kind of began since being here, in a lot of ways, so I'm going to do one for the past year instead of waiting til January to do one for the calendar year. Which I may still do.  But it'll have the same stuff on it.  So.


1. What did you do in the last year that you'd never done before?
Went to Disney World.  Rode the Wonder Wheel. Voluntarily attended Shakespeare; saw Alan Cumming onstage. Went on a Gray Line bus tour. In the freezing rain.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Not applicable but the other things wouldn't automatically renumber so I couldn't just delete it.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Sarah, then Amanda, then Emily.  YAY BABIES!!


4. Did anyone close to you die?
My favorite aunt, Rae. I called her Aunt Slug when I was little and really mad at her, because it was the worst name I could think to call someone.  Forever after, we were Slug and Aunt Slug to each other. I hate that I never visited her again in her idyllic Mexican town.


5. What places did you visit?
Manhattan and Queens.  St. Louis and Columbia. Orlando. St. Louis and Columbia again. St. Louis and Columbia again.

6. What would you like to have this coming year that you lacked last year?
More motivation to explore.

7. What dates from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 4: The day we got our air conditioners.

September 24: First day of work.

June 7: Pippin.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
My job. Living in this hard-as-nails city for a year.


9. What was your biggest failure?
That I continue succumbing to my social anxiety and not making an effort to see people.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
None more than usual.  Bad colds, migraines.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Pippin. Plane tickets to see people I love.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Behavior?!!  How about "accomplishments"??  Steve's doing great in school and I am so damned proud of him.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
This is a terrible question. Alec Baldwin pulls some pretty crappy shit and doesn't get too maligned for it.


14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes, eating out, having a grand old time.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Oh man.  Um, everything? Seeing everyone I missed.  Having visitors.  Seeing people I hadn't visited with in years and years. Seeing shows on the Broadway stage. Museums. Times Square. Flying into NYC at night. Walking down the street in Manhattan every day.


16. What song will always remind you of last year?
Empire State of Mind.  There's nothing you can't do.  So effing true.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder?
Miles happier.
b) thinner or fatter?
Like 30-35 lbs thinner, I think.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer, in almost every way.


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seen more theatre.  I'm so lucky that this can change any day of my life now.


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stayed in on my days off.


20. How did you spend Christmas this year?
With Neil in our apartment.  When evening came, we took a very sparsely-attended subway to Midtown and walked down 20 streets along Fifth Ave enjoying the massive Christmas displays.  Along with every other tourist in NYC. :)


21. Did you fall in love this year?
I definitely did.


22. How was work?
Awful and wonderful.  Challenging.  Never boring. This is what I am meant to do.


23. What was your favorite TV program?
Golden Girls.  Still a comfort. So reliably on 27 times a day, whenever I need it.


24. What did you do for your birthday this year?
Nothing much, but Lindsay's visit the weekend after was basically twelve birthday celebrations in one.


25. What was the best book you read?
Kindle books by Elle Lothlorien.


26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oooh, so not a music person.  I guess that Imagine Dragons song, Radioactive.  I freaking love it!


27. What did you want and get?
A knockoff Cambridge Satchel Company black and red bag.  It makes me weep it's so pretty.


28. What did you want and not get?
MLB.tv, but there's still time for that.


29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Not really a movie person either.  What did I watch...hmm....Oh, Brooklyn Castles! That was totally cute.  And Twenty Feet from Stardom and Cutie and the Boxer.  Moo Man was great too.  All documentaries!


30. Did you make some new friends this year?
Not really, but became closer with ones I hadn't seen in a long time.  (And sadly, lost a few I didn't know I would.) I'm on the way to making a few more, I hope.


31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A better start to my work.  It started off on the wrongest foot ever, and I made so many social mistakes that first week that I think it branded me as The Unpleasant One.


32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
I'm caring more than I ever have at this weight, one I'm not comfortable with but am learning to accept.  I loved new clothes when I lost weight, but haven't enjoyed them in years.  So with Lily's help, I am trying to be more fashionable.  Still comfortable, but trying things I wouldn't normally. Like shearling earmuffs and skinny jeans.


33. What kept you sane?
My family and close friends, my cats, a pretty neighborhood, two steady incomes and awesome insurance.


34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Fancy! Hee! Umm.....Oh!  Jon Snow (Kit Harington). And Alan Dale. (I have a silver fox thing.)

Mmm. I'd like to be the middle of this sandwich.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I am soooo not politicky.  But I like how Christie and Obama got all lovey-dovey after Sandy.


35a. What political issue stirred you the least?
Almost just every single one of them, unless I think/learn more about each one.  Then I'll get stirred UP.


36. Who did you miss?
I miss so many people.  I miss Mom and Dad and Lily and Gilbert and Joe and Steve.  Lindsay and Emily and Shannon and their beautiful families. Sarah and my Millers. Amanda and Brad and their hilarious offspring. I miss people who have fallen away from me in the madness of this move and my moodiness and my unkindness.


37. Who was the best new person you met?
I really enjoyed meeting Emily, the wife of Neil's co-worker Frans.  I hope we get to have a friendship.


38. Burn any bridges?
I feel like I have.  I am in the habit of disappointing people.

39. Best new restaurant you went to?
Ironically, I haven't been blown away, in this city of a million awesome places!  But Nathan's on the Coney Island boardwalk was something else, as is Shake Shack.  Does Rocky's delivery pizza count? Ooh wait--Union Square Cafe was terrific. Lily took me, that precious girl.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.

Just GET OUT and DO THINGS. Look where you are now!!



A few more items of note that happened:


Charlie got a girlfriend, Pippa.


I started watching Pawn Stars occasionally.  So much less trashy than I thought it would be!


I don't enjoy sweet things as much as I used to.  My sweet tooth is either lessening or changing to a more savory one.  I can't hardly take chocolate in candy form anymore.


I culled my books so they take up just two large shelves.  I don't think that's happened in well over a decade.


My grandmother didn't send me a birthday check.  I think it's the end of an era.


I got an expensive haircut for the first time ever.  I love what he did to the back of my hair.


I have a quarter CSA share for the first time ever.  So far I am completely failing in using hardly any of it.  But seriously what am I gonna do with eleven different types of greens every other week?  I'm not really good at making salads.  I like them but only when someone else makes them. And I have never found a bottled dressing (except Olive Garden's) that I can stand.

Meme moods!

I'm feeling *sorta* writerish, but not enough to think of anything to say on my own.  So the memes continue!

Buzzingfeed again...

15 things I've done that maybe you haven't.

I've heard that 15 is hard.  And that even 10 is hard.  So we'll see how this goes.

1. Worked followspot for Merrily We Roll Along and Children of Eden.

2. Gone into the bowels of the Bodleian Library. 

3. Gone to a Cardinals game, as a die-hard Cardinals fan, specifically to see someone play on the opposing team.

4. Had a chocolate cake shake at Portillo's.  I mean, a lot of people have done that.  I just bet *you* haven't.

5. Got tipsy on butterscotch schnapps before a local community theatre performance of Rent.

6. Enjoyed Wuthering Heights in high school. And not when it was marketed as "Bella and Edward's favorite book!"

7. Never tried on my wedding dress before buying it.  Regret it totally.

8. Pickled my own sausages.  With disastrous results.  But still I DID IT!

9. Rode the Wonder Wheel.  Oh my god.  The SWINGING cars!  I can't believe it.  But as soon as we were done I wanted to do it again. [Okay, one of you has also done this. :)] I also rode Haunted Mansion and Pirates this year!  2013 is WILD!!!

10. Been fired from TGIFriday's for doing bad things. :)

11. Worked at Steak & Shake for three days total.

Okay.  Eleven is all I have in me today.

And a few Awesome/Not Awesomes...

AWESOME: That it is July 1, 2013 and NOT July 1, 2012.  And that it's not 100 degrees this time.

NOT AWESOME: That it has been raining every day here for like two months? Are we in the Amazon?

AWESOME: That I haven't gained weight in nine months.

NOT AWESOME: Haven't really lost much either, I don't think...

AWESOME: The fat juicy hot dogs sitting on the grill of a food cart I passed yesterday.

NOT AWESOME: The tiny Oscar Meyer I got when I ordered a hot dog with mustard at the same cart. :(

OOh, this one looks neat!

I Never... 
ride the subway without having something to read or do. Or elevators.  I love that a good chunk of painful and nearly crippling social anxiety has been so reduced by technology.

sing or dance anymore. That makes me sad.  But here, there is NO PLACE to do either, on one's own, without looking like a nutjob.

flirted with a stranger. I'm not much of a flirt.  I bet it's fun though.


I Rarely...
drink anymore.  Not for any reason, really.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that every beverage that comes into our house has to be carried at least half a mile. And my granny cart can only hold so much. So I opt for lemonade over Woodchuck. Not that there was a lot of drinking before. 

I Cry... 

at the drop of a freaking hat some days.

at announcements of engagements or pregnancies from those I love.

when i think of (or see) sick or broke pets.

I Am Not Always...
as negative/cynical as I say I am.  In fact, I rarely am. It's just easier to present this front instead of the real me, I think.

I Lose...
my driver's license often, apparently.  Twice since I had to order a whole new one a couple months ago.  I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME THIS PERSON.

my temper at work but no one knows. I'm sorry--temperature. :)

I'm Confused... 
by smart people who like The Simpsons.

by smart people who like Two and a Half Men.  I've never met any, though.

by Log Cabin-ers.

I Miss... 
the convenience of having a car (but not really anything else about it).

my family.

when Gilmore Girls made Tuesdays the best day of the week.


I Need... 
to stop reading this [non-Kindle] book I'm not liking and get rid of it.  I do not have room in my life for mediocre reading material. And it looked so fun, too.  :(

to drink more water.  We have recently vowed not to bring in large quantities (12-packs, 2 liters) of sugared soda into the house, so that should help.  I'll always drink water if it's the only thing available.

I Should...
not really be doing this right now. But I'm motivated to, so here I am.

do laundry oh my god the pile is so big

really try and consume at least some of my CSA share and not just the strawberries. But srsly bok choi whut? 

I Love...

where I live.  With every fiber of my being, I love it. For perhaps the first time in my life.

A blog-question-meme to get my ass kicked in gear.

50 Questions! From Buzzingfridge.


1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

"Oh good, the cami hides the bra that was showing through."

2. How much cash do you have on you?

Like $60? Just took some out yesterday.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Boor.  This is dumb.


4. Favorite planet?

Also dumb.  But I always liked Venus.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

I think Walgreens? Is that a person?

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

I have only one I use and it is jazzy.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

The aforementioned cami (white with lacy straps) and a crinkly black and white floral number with scattered black sequins. Not my favorite.

8. Do you label yourself?

Sure. None very flattering.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

Reef.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Bright with lamps. No overheads.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

I don't know them. They seemed smart.

12. What does your watch look like?

It looks like nothing. But I got a Fossil a few years ago.  It's metallic yellow and schweeeet.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I think I was asleep by then.  Fitzy curled into my side.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"The past 6 months have been ugly for sure."

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

I think there's one near St. Marks.  And one down 4th.  I think it's funny that they're in NYC.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

Like. I wish I didn't.  But I get so nervous talking.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

Neil, this morning.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

Charlie, I think.  Either that or Fitzy. Does my hair count?

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

How many? I take four daily meds. So that many.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

How old is this freaking survey??

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

That's a tough one.  I don't fear getting older nor do I live for the past.  But I can't say I have a favorite.

5 was pretty good. We got to go over the fence to the empty lot at Children's House.

22. Your worst enemy?

You want like a name? I really dislike this girl at work, does that count? In the history of the world...well, that would take some thinking.

23. What is your current desktop picture?

Milky Way galaxy, I think.  It was the default on my work Mac.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

"That's a weird one"--to someone from marketing who asked about what to put on a promo.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

Flying, because I wouldn't have to pay for transportation hardly.  And that could really add up.

26. Do you like someone?

Sure do!

27. The last song you listened to?

Oh man. It's been awhile.  I never listen to music here!  Maybe "Eye of the Tiger" from the Jon Snow workout montage Neil forwarded? I'm not counting TV theme songs.

28. What time of day were you born?

After 8:00 am (but before 9). I need to find out the exact time again.

29. What’s your favorite number?

7 or 9. But I'm not obsessive about it.

30. Where did you live in 1987?

In the Dawson Family Home.  I was ten.  Hadn't struck out on my own quite yet.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

Oh yes.  Yes.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

Maybe? I would be amazed. But I can't say No for sure.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

Working at UMC. Ellen came to my desk and told me.  I'd just gotten back from there a month previous and I knew so many people still there.  I thought it was an accident.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

It just almost ruins my day.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

I wish I was, but no.  Not in the deepest places of my heart and soul. I try really hard to BE kind and caring, though.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

On my inside wrist.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

I think Spanish would be the most helpful.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

I think so. But not to, like, Arkansas.

39. Are you touchy feely?

With members of the opposite sex.  I'll hug my girls hello/goodbye but that's pretty much it.

40. What’s your life motto?

I don't....have one?  Be thoughtful?
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Chapstick, iphone, lotion

42. What’s your favourite town/city?

NYC

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Hmm.  Qdoba in St. Louis? Maybe a bottled water at the airport? And chewy Sweet Tarts! I can't remember if I paid cash or debit for that.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

I wrote Dad a quick note last month with my Sprint payment.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

I cannot.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

That there is a memorial scholarship in his name at Columbia Independent School.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

Not super far.  Dad's side is from England or Scotland.  Mom's is from Sweden and there's a Native American in there.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

I guess to Pippin?  Not that fancy, but sequins and a sheer black shirt.  I tried to wear black jeweled flats but TOO MUCH RAIN.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My lower-side back.  I need to get to my fantastic chiropractor.

50. Have you been burned by love?

Seriously who hasn't?

END OF FIFTY QUESTIONS MEME.

I didn't love it.  So here's another one. Also from Buzzingfridge.

1) Ten years ago I was...

Hm.  June 2003.  Working at UMC as a registrar.  I think I was dating a lot because I'd been on Atkins since November 2002.  I think. Living on Stewart Rd., close enough to work so I could walk.

2) Five things on today's to-do list:

1. Get passport form printed off from website

2. Finish proofing this torturous pile of tedious promos (and other work stuff, but I don't need to get into that.)

3. Unload our tiny dishwasher

4. Make a move to fully unpack last weekend's suitcase/travel bag

5. Eat dinner from stuff at home

3) Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

Move to the suburbs and get a car.  But stay near NYC. I hate this question so nothing else.

4) Three bad habits:

1. Biting hangnails/skin around my fingernails

2. Not reading magazines we get regularly

3. Overthinking every single thing on earth

5) Five places I've lived:

Working backwards...

1. Brooklyn (Kensington)

2. Columbia (5 locations)

3. Manhattan (Union Square)

4. Urbana (yuk)

5. Countryside, IL (Chicago suburb)

6) Six jobs I've had in my life:

Again, working backwards:

1. Proofreader

2. Freelance copyeditor

3. Reports Coordinator (VUHL)

4. Reference/cataloging librarian

5. Freelance reviewer (Harlequin)

UGH THAT WAS BORING TOO.  Oh well.

Lately, I've been focusing more on the Now than on the Someday. It's just little things, like stopping doing something I used to like because it's turned into a chore and that I felt I had to finish.

Or, in the case of this blog, not going back to something I really want to do because of some silly notion that it's been too long...that I won't be good at it anymore...that no one is even around anymore to read it.
But you know...*I* will like reading it again.

I was never good at keeping a physical journal, and always envied those who were, even though I think I'd like doing it on a regular basis. I'm a non-writing writer. And despite my knack for remembering the piddliest of details about 7th grade science and why I was crying at the Drood cast party,  I know that the majority of my history is lost forever.
That makes me sad, but in reading past entries here, I can see that the very act of writing (usually to a prompt) made me dig up some of those lost memories I never thought I'd be able to relive.

I don't have a personal computer at the moment, which makes this a bit difficult. But I think I'd like to try again anyway. Both to remember the old and to take note of the present. This exciting, crazy, dream-come-true present of living in my favorite city in the world. Working a job I've wanted ever since I was a teenager (albeit in pretty unhealthy surroundings, currently). Visiting old friends I didn't know I'd get a chance to see again.  Seeing my family change and thrive even when I'm not living a mile and a half away from them!

I'm 36 today, and on the cusp of an exciting couple of weeks...Lindsay comes tomorrow for the weekend (we've been wanting to do NYC together for EVER!); Whitney, Kat, and I will have a NYU-reunion on Sunday night; I leave next Thursday for a weekend in Columbia, where I'll see Sarah and her not-new-anymore baby, Emily if the stars align, Steve as Joseph (a show I abhor but I'd do anything to hear him sing Close Every Door again), and of course Dad, Lil, and Gibbo. Oh, and gyros!

I cannot promise photos.  I leave that to the professionals and people who know how to transfer SD cards to iPhoto AND THEN to Blogger.  (Too many steps for me!  I only like to use one dish when I cook.) But I can say that I'd like to come back and share the experience.

Losing my shit.

I started a new job last Wednesday, at a super-fast-paced and crazy-growing mortgage company that acts as the--broker? middleman? I don't even know--SOMETHING for veterans.
I know. YAWN. But it's actually pretty exciting, and my position is surprisingly similar to cataloging.

The company has this reputation for being really fun and easygoing with a zillion perks, and all that is true. Right now we're housed in like five separate buildings in town (including the old Skatin' Station!), though, and I have to think that all the fun is just happening in locations *other* than the one I'm working in. Which is fine--I don't need zany costumes and paper airplanes and karaoke or whatever shit. Eventually more of us will be in the same building, and I'm sure the dynamic will change.

But I so didn't know what I was getting myself into.

My position is a new one, and we're all just feeling our way through for now. I thought this would be a nice challenge, and that because the company is so relaxed, it wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I was assured of in my interview as well. I got along with everyone famously back then, and really wanted to be hired.

My actual work is extremely challenging and fulfilling. The day zips by in what feels like minutes, and I never even have more than a moment to sit down for lunch. I make my own hours as long as I work 40 a week, and they're cool with overtime. My third day, I was put in charge of eight student workers and interns for a huge project...one that had never been done before and that I (of course) knew absolutely nothing about. I'm feeling my way blindly for goddamned sure, but it's trial by fire and I'm learning quickly. THAT part I dig.

But my boss...oh GOD, my boss. She is....

[Okay. She's a good, friendly person. I really liked her in my interview. We get along well, I'd say. Which is why I'm surprising myself at how viciously I have come to detest her in such a short period of time, when it comes to work.

I was told this position would be fairly independent...I wouldn't have much supervision and as long as I had a handle on what I was doing, I could do it how I wanted. PERFECT. This is how I thrive. As I said, I was thrust into this project in GO GO GO mode, and to be frank, I'm killing it. I'm proud of the work I'm doing, the people I'm supervising, and the rate we're going to complete it sooner than expected.]

But....my supervisor is like a helicopter mom. CONSTANTLY in my face..."So, you getting along good? Whatcha working on? Any issues today? When's so-and-so coming in? Did anyone tell you about the quirky microwave in the kitchen? Why are you using a calculator for that part? There shouldn't be any math. How many do we have left to do? How many have the interns done today?" And, fine, I realize that some of this stuff, she should know. She needs to know if I'm having issues. Maybe she needs to report on the interns' schedules. I'm all for open communication, and I DO appreciate a boss who is always in the loop.

But it's ALL THE TIME. Every half hour, some days. And she doesn't IM me with these questions (or at least freaking IM me and tell me she's on the way over), or e-mail, or set up a meeting, she just comes over, leans her butt on my desk, and yammers away...not caring a whit if I was in the middle of a very tedious Excel process which I need to start over if I'm interrupted. NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED OR ANYTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY MULTIPLE TIMES OMG I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DONE. And I *could* handle it better if it were just interruptions that I could answer quickly and move on. But inevitably she brings over, maybe every other interruption, a *major* change she just decided on. Which I then have to communicate separately to each person on the project--all of whom have different hours, no consistent e-mail system or access, and no IM. Every change also brings about an overhaul of how we've been doing the project, which she seems completely ignorant to. She breezes in with a "Oh, and btw, now we'll be checking this field against that field, thanks!" and when I tell her why that would be a fairly difficult thing to do given the information we're working with, I get a "Think positive, Genevieve! We're thinking positive about all this. Handle it, KTHXBAI!"

Her personality is very high-stress and 'flitty'...not unpleasantly so, just maddeningly so. She's always smiling and I don't believe her to be a negative person, but my heart rate goes up just by talking to her. Or hearing her nearby. Or now, recalling how she gets. I get stressed and kind of adopt her tone, and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure must be all day.

And I'm truly losing it. I had to have Neil come get me Friday after work because I couldn't drag myself the NINE MINUTES it takes to walk home. I was going absolutely crazy. The thing is...if she would just let me BE, I could work to get this project done faster than she could ever expect. I have it DOWN. I know what I'm doing! I need her to trust me, but more than that, I need her to drop the constant mothering that I think she puts on everyone in that department. I fear I won't last long if she doesn't.

But...I also fear it's her personality, and that it won't change. The thought of being surrounded by this amount of crazy for months down the road....oh, it just makes me panic. And the bitter irony of it is that if they let me just do this job as it was intended to be done, I could work the HELL out of it. I really do love it. :(

The worst part is, I feel the stress creep into my personal life. I'm hating quite a number of people right now...people who I normally like! Who have done NOTHING to make me angry. I'm judgey and bitter and jealous and savoring schadenfreude (with friends instead of enemies) and I feel ABSOLUTELY ugly and, for NO REASON, utterly alone. The bitch of it is that no one has made me feel this way! My friends have been supportive and loving and comforting and everything I know them to be. Neil takes good care of me, the kittens are cuddly and affectionate, my family's always glad to hear from me, and some really great and exciting things are on the horizon.

I hope it gets better. Or I gain patience and tolerance. I really don't want to sacrifice my sanity for a stupid, short-term job.

I wouldn't go back to my old job for anything. I know I didn't make a mistake leaving it. I just wish I was in a different place *now.*


BLECH.

Ooo, deep.

I don't really know why I wanted to answer these. They're not my style. But for some reason, I'm here. Answering them.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

25

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Oh gimme a break, no one is going to put "failing." Even though I really really don't like keeping trying and trying and failing.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

IKNOWRITE

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Yeah, probs. I talk big talk, people. And I write big writes. Doing...eh, not so much.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Religious conflict. I think that's the root to soooooo many problems. Why can't those who choose to be devout leave those who have a different set of beliefs BE??? Do they really think they can change how someone thinks? How effing disrespectful. I hate it.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Reading. Puzzling (crossword; kakuro). Scrapbooking.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

These days, it's the latter. But it's because of the physical space I work in, not because of my career choice.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

God, that's depressing. I don't even feel growed up at 34.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

A lot of it. I settled in Columbia by choice, after trying out various other avenues by choice. Went looking for significant others proactively, and met my soul partner thusly. I went to school for the career that I now have--a job which fell into my lap.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Umm....that first one.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Defend her ferociously. No one talks bad about my peeps. I'd make them feel guilty about doing so, too.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Wow, no pressure. Umm...."Your parents don't know everything, sweetheart. They know a lot. But not everything."

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Um, yeah...duh!

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yeah...Emo Philips, for one.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Hold a pencil/knife; put my socks and shoes on; kiss

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Uhh...we're all different people here...just because I like drinking olive brine straight from the jar doesn't mean I'm baffled that other people don't. If everyone got happy at the exact same things, how boring a world would we live in?!!

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?

I want to get a tattoo. I'm scared of the pain....the cost...and that i might cry every time I see it

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

HA! Story of my FREAKING LIFE! Have you seen our storage unit?? My scrapbook room?? And yes...emotionally...yes.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Country: Canada. Don't know much about it, but you can't say anything bad about universal health care and no guns. Oh, and P.E.I.!!!

State: California, the Carolinas, NY (but only C), some other new-englandy state, PacNW, NM, Ill(but only Chicago), Wisconsin or Iowa if I develop a tolerance for winter.

I'd move for a great job, or family, or weather.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I used to, but I'm older and more cynical now.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton, hands down a million times. There's little joy in being smart. (I hope that doesn't sound snobby.)

Why are you, you?

Wow. Heavy.

Nurture, but mostly nature.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I try to be. But sometimes I'm really not. And I hate myself for it. :(

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch. I can deal with a LDR/friendship (shout-out to most everyone who reads this! Love you!)

What are you most grateful for?

Love in my life.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Holy yikes! I guess lose old ones. I don't want to live for the past.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Nope.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Yeah. But I have several. Just please do not let me ever be in a car sinking into water and I'll be okay.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

I TOTALLY do, damnit! And no it effing doesn't! LET IT GO, GEN!!!

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

1. When Mom came to pick me up to tell me about Lily in her tummy. She made me feel incredibly special.

2. Mom wakes me up at 3...4...something...AM, and in the chilly darkness we throw on sweats and head out to the University observatory. Hailey's Comet could be seen that night through the ginormous, scary telescope (not calling it Halley's no matter how wrong that makes me), and it was thrilling to be out with other families in the middle of the night experiencing this crazy thing together. Hardee's on the way home for breakfast, and then she lets me watch Mighty Mouse when I get home. It's Saturday morning and I've never seen Sat AM cartoons this early. Again...I felt special....coddled...on a secret mission.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Hmm....I haven't danced recently...or played a spirited game of Celebrity...or seen Rent...

Oh! Wait, yes...a few friends and I went to Mamma Mia at Jesse this year. Singing and dancing and watching old people dance...that was a trip!

If not now, then when?

IKNOWRITE

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Sorry charlie...there's generally something to lose.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Heck yeah. ;)

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

THIS IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Hell no.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Hell yes.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

The more work enjoy thing.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Not this day because it's all Christmassy up in here. But if not for the Christmas part...then yes. Yes yes yes. I've lived it daily for three years.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I'm pretty scared of the dark. Physically and metaphorically.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

Hi, I hate this question.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Eff no.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is merely physical. Living is making the most out of that alive body and soul.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

If I know it's right...then it's time as soon as I realize that.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Cuz it sucks, yo!

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Dance in public

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Just a moment ago when I was thinking about childhood memories. :)

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

What do I love? Really? I'm impatient with these questions. I love a lot. A lot of people, a lot of things. And yes, I try and always express it.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before

that? Or the day before that?

With some prodding, yes. My memory is the bane of my existence.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Until a month ago I would have said I'm letting others make them. But now I'm trying to make them for myself. A year ago...same thing.