Life Listed, Feb 3- Feb 14

Who are your next door neighbors?

Across the way--a German or Russian family. Totally sweet, always says "Hello" in accented tones. Has a new baby that doesn't seem to cry a lot.

Below: Horrible Nick and family. I'd rather not talk about them.

Everyone else: ??

How are you the same person you were as a child?

I like lying on my belly and reading or doing puzzly games. I'm scared of a LOT of things, and if I get scared by something, it stays in my mind as fresh as that first moment for years. I love driveways and mild gray days. Simon and Garfunkel comfort me. There's nothing like being in a car at night--preferably a longish trip with someone else at the wheel. I can always watch Mary Poppins.

What are some reasons you would get up early on a Saturday?

Farmer's Market. Garage sales. Start or continue a road trip. Scrapbook shopping! Seeing babies. Last Saturday, it was to watch the train wreck that was Pioneer Woman on the Food Network.

Where do you want to visit before you die?

I DO NOT LIKE the 'die' questions. So I'll just answer this as if it said "Where do you want to visit that you've never been before?"

Egypt and the Pyramids.... Hawaii... a scrappy cruise... Scrapfest... Charleston... San Diego... Portland... Italy... Greece... Cincinnati... Colonial Williamsburg... a zipline somewhere amazing... southern France... Petrified Forest... wine country... Toronto... Prince Edward Island...

What are false rumors someone has spread about you?

Wow, yikes. I guess...not many? That I know of? OOOH I do remember that once in 6th grade or so, we kept having feuds, and once it was Betsy and Megan against me, Sarah, and Alena. They put a love note in a boy's cubby, saying "I have a crush on you, love Betsy" or something, and then told the teachers that *we* put it in there. Just to get us in trouble. it was evil! But not really a rumor, I guess. Never mind.

What are things that gross you out?

So many things. Slugs, dead snakes, hanging/dangling snakes/worms, that one picture of a crocodile and snake that no one should NEVER EVER SEE, boogers, stray long hairs (especially black ones), Lamisil commercials (Who needs to see an infected toe OMG!!!!), blood and gore, dirty floors behind toilets, normal things like B.O./bad breath/vomit...

What are your favorite youtube videos?

Anything with Adam Lambert or Steve Dawson.

How did your parents spoil you as a child?

They definitely didn't spoil me in traditional ways. But they spent a LOT of time with me, which I'm learning to see isn't always the case with my peers, and my peers with kids. A lot of you are awesome, but there are some who just disgust me with their negligence.

What are your topmost ambitions in life?

To be happy, at home, at work, and in play. Eliminate debts and stress when possible.

And let's end with a weird one...especially weird for Valentine's Day--

What are your favorite salad toppings?

Cheese, oil/vinegar, salt and pepper, onion (or I could just say "SALAD THE WAY DAD MAKES IT!!")...occasionally Caesar or bleu cheese dressing. Always Olive Garden dressing. Sometimes broccoli and carrots, sometimes salami, olives. Never croutons, never bacon bits, NEVER cucumbers, NEVER EVER EVER fruit. Fruit does not belong on a salad, period.

Life Listed

I have this daily tear-off calendar. And I love it. But I am discouragingly far behind on its contents.

I was SO BLASTED EXCITED to get it, too. "I'm going to do this every day! It will change my life!" was my prediction. As it is with so many, many things. Remember in "Confessions of a Shopaholic" [book not film] when she's got to get that Hermes scarf because then she'll be known as "The Girl With The Hermes Scarf"? Ugh, so close to home.

[Do we *all* do that? Or, all of us who love to shop? DO we *all* justify everything we buy by promising we'll use it all the time and then do that maybe once or twice until it's relegated to the storage area specifically made for that genre of item? Jewelry, cute journals, self-help books, magazines, exercise equipment, artsy-crafty tools, DVDs, quirky decor...? I WILL GET TO IT! I *will.* Trust me.]

Anyway, it's a list you fill out every day. A different topic each day, cute little colors (navy-grey and lime green with white), tempting journalling lines to take as much space as you want. "I am going to fill the HELL out of this thing!" I told myself. of course I would! I LOVE LISTS!

But here it sits, on January 20.

I'm going to catch up on a few lists, on here. And then see if I can get up enough freaking motivation to do it regularly before 2012 comes. because if there's anything I hate, it's an out-of-date calendar that's still sitting out. Is anyone surprised?

WHAT IS ON YOUR BEDSIDE TABLE?

When I'm in bed: glasses, water bottle, eyedrops, hair-claw, Galaxy tablet, medications

WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITE BIRTHDAYS?

Mine, or someone else's? We'll go with mine, I guess.

I'm not too terribly social, so parties are always stressful. I remember one, though, that was fun fun fun...in our backyard on Stewart Road, 5th grade or so. May have been a joint birthday between me and Alena, but I can't remember. Kind of a DIY affair...people drew/signed all over the paper tablecloth with markers, and Mom got icing tubes from the bakery and everyone had a hand in decorating the cake. It looked insane when it was done. Most of the Ridgeway girls were there, all from my grade except Andrea and Sarah. Oh, and I think we called Mr. Colman over and drenched him with the hose. The year before, a true joint birthday with Alena, was good in a different way. We had a handful of girls over and camped out in the backyard.

WHAT ARE THE LAST 5 BOOKS YOU HAVE READ?

I haven't read many books recently--maybe not since "Room" or thereabouts. I guess I did download "Annie on my Mind" and read it last Friday. Good, not great. I found it for free, so no harm done.
I've listened to many, though. I've lived and breathed Sarah Dessen in the car all summer, and it's been lovely. I miss her world and am looking forward to enjoying the remaining audiobooks I haven't found yet. I've heard "This Lullaby," "Just Listen," "Lock and Key," and "Along for the Ride." Loved them all. She's like Meg Cabot but better.

WHAT SONGS WOULD YOU LIKE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Let's not talk about death, please. Next!

WHAT ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUT?

Um...not much, I guess. I'm spiritual about a few things, but not superstitious. I used to HAVE to do things (count everything I read in five syllables and end at five; repeat an action on the opposite side of my body--for example, if I cracked my left-hand middle-finger knuckle I'd have to crack the right-hand one too; say "Go Hamlet!" every time I passed the MO Theatre), and I suppose those might be...but I'm learning to let go.

WHAT TV SHOWS DO YOU WATCH THAT YOU WISH OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WATCHED?

Weird question to post on my blog, I guess. And I could skip it. But also, I'm not shy about admitting my guilty-pleasure TV-time. What are some shows I watch that I haven't talked about? "Cupcake Girls"...totally cute. I'm not ashamed of it, though. Plus: Canada! "Extreme Couponing"? Love it, but everyone I know has beef with it. "Ruby"--such a pleasure. i wish I knew that woman in person. Any sitcom from the 80s/90s, basically, that is on reruns or Netflix. My Two Dads, Wings, Coach, The Nanny, Who's the Boss, Blossom...the only ones I won't touch are Raymond, Curb Your Enthusiasm (might not be 90s...), Simpsons (why intelligent people claim this show is smart, I'll never understand), anything with the "Fat-guy-pretty-wife" scenario [tm Jack McFarland!]...okay, I could go on and on with this. I'm feeling fussy.

WHO ARE YOU MAD AT RIGHT NOW?

Ha! I'm in a bad mood, so perhaps it isn't the right time to answer this...

WHAT SONGS HAVE YOU REQUESTED TO A DJ?

I only remember calling Q97 in 7th grade and requesting "Please Don't Go Girl." I waited all weekend and they never played it. :(

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES?

Zero. God, should I even *try* to go to Harry Potter land?

WHAT ARE THE BIGGEST PERSONAL CHANGES YOU'VE EVER MADE?

I hate these all-caps, seriously. I only did it like that because that's how they are in the calendar but now they're pissing me off.

Ironically, not being such a bitch all the time. Hard to tell on days like today, though. :)
Losing weight, but should that count since gaining it all back?
Adopting a more patient attitude to life. Sometimes...

-What are things you wish you had invented?

I'm not doing all-caps anymore. Also this is a dumb question. Uhh...the internet? I'd be so rich now.

-What are your favorite musicals?

Ahhhh, good. Let's end on one I actually care about. Excellent work, Wednesday February 2!

25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (if it's touring near you, GO JUST GO. You will thank me. And die laughing. And it's so short--no intermission!)

Rent (f'rever. From the tuning-up/plaid pants to the BLAST that is the titular song to Mimi's glitter-hair to table-dancing at Lifecafe to Angel wracked with coughs [oh dear heavens I'm gonna cry] to the chills at seeing him run out again for the curtain call...it will never not be amazing. Okay, unless I see it seven times in one semester or two nights in a row again.)

West Side Story (normally I'd go for stage musicals over movie versions, but as the movie made me fall in love with musicals, I'm going for the film here. Despite Natalie's and Richard's lip-syncing...despite the complete change from the original libretto...I'll always love it best.)

I can't get enough of plenty of others either...Oklahoma, Sound of Music (again, movie only) Fiddler, Children of Eden (I know, it's about god stuff! But I like it anyway!), Music Man, She Loves Me, Secret Garden, Dolly, Pippin, Drood, Merrily, Producers, Ave. Q, Birdie, Sweeney Todd, Into the Woods (Or, Maplewood-style--"INNATHEWOODS"), Annie, The Boy Friend, Les Mis, Guys and Dolls, 42nd Street, Phantom, Cats (I'm not ashamed! That sh!t's entertaining!), Wicked, Cabaret, Fantasticks, Grease, King & I, Little Shop, Oliver, Mamma Mia, Ragtime (pretty much just for Sarah Brown Eyes)...

Middle-of-the-road (I'd see them again, but only if someone I knew was in it. or a celeb I adored): Anything Goes, Showboat, Chorus Line, Brigadoon, Chicago, Forum, Gypsy, JC Superstar, Man/La Mancha, My Fair Lady.

...but I can do forever without Joseph/Dreamcoat, South Pacific, Passion (when Sondheim effs up, he effs up good), Best/Whorehouse, Godspell, A Little Night Music, Sunday/Park/George (despite my love for Seurat), Miss Saigon (OHHHMYGOD SO BAD), Carousel, Cinderella, Hair, How to Succeed, Pajama Game, Lion King, Once/Mattress, Urinetown

Doldrums lifted

Whew. That was a sad post I last wrote. I'm not that sad anymore.

Except, I'm still not getting the sleep I should. Not exercising, and not eating well. In a fit of annoyance last night, I quit the game I'm letting take up all my time, and I'm so glad I did. I didn't even want to leave the possibility open of me going back to it, so I deleted all the FB-friends who play with me and removed the app. (OK, yeah, I could re-install it, but I don't think I'll be tempted.)

I feel like I am *always* hungry lately. Like I'll eat a nice-sized lunch, and ten minutes after I'm finished and onto another activity, my body will feel like it hasn't eaten yet. This is, obviously, worrisome.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about overeating and why I act the way I do around food. And what I'm coming up with is the notion of the Picky Overeater. Which seems a contradiction in terms, a little bit...if someone is classified as picky, I picture an unhappy skinny-as-a-rail person staring distastefully at a plate of food and eating like a bird. But I'm the opposite. I finish my food, every time.

It's kind of a sick goal. No matter how full I am, if I'm in front of a dish I love, I WILL finish it. And I think part of the reason is *because* I'm picky. Because I'll NEVER get that dish again exactly like this, exactly the way I like it.

Which, of course, is completely untrue. McDonald's always tastes exactly the same. I order my favorite pasta dish from Macaroni Grill the same way each time, and it tastes exactly the same. A Hershey Bar is always exactly the same. But it doesn't matter. "I could be on a diet next time! I could be lactose intolerant or diabetic or so broke that I can't afford another $1 McDouble EVER AGAIN!" I justify it.

I was recently a bridesmaid in my dear friend Sarah's wedding, and got to spend a lot of time with her this summer in preparation. We've always been really close, but I observed her more recently in terms of her lifestyle--she's in fantastic shape and always has been, yet always participates in eating and snacking with everyone else and just seems to enjoy it all. And, I think...that's WHY she's so healthy. First, because she does eat everything, including scads of vegetables and fruits and healthy grains and such. But also, because she does love everything out there, and doesn't have this mindset of "I HAVE to eat this whole box of cookies because I don't like any other cookie quite the way I love these." She loves them and will have some, but she loves a lot of other things equally. (She also exercises, which would definitely help me...)

I also have gotten into the bad, bad habit--over the course of years and years and years--of serving myself far more than what would be called a single serving, of anything. ANYTHING. (Well, anything that I actually *like*, that is.) Restaurants, of course, are no help for this, as their servings are monstrous already. And I try to not eat a huge amount of food in front of most people. But whenever I fix something, I know I won't be sticking to the 'serving size' listed on the box. Even when I'm dieting, I'll save my calories to eat a big dinner, knowing I will have banked enough to have multiple servings of a single recipe/convenience food. I'd rather skip a meal and binge later than to eat sensibly during both meals.
Boy, that sounds nutso.


I have such a long way to go in controlling this. And it might be that I can't control it and will have to make rules for myself (i.e., no cookies in the house, period!) in order to maintain a reasonable weight. I hate that my addiction is so physically obvious, as opposed to others who can easily hide theirs. Or, maybe, that's actually a good thing, because I can't ignore how I look in the mirror, or photographs.

Desperately sad.

And I haven't updated lately, for that reason.

This summer has been hard...the hardest I've ever been through. So many things have ended in disaster that I can't even fathom what could make it better. I cry at least once a day, due not to depression but circumstance.

I am lucky that I'm not clinically depressed...I know this. Sure, I take medication for social anxiety, but I really think it's just my introvert tendency. I'd like to wean myself off Paxil. I have ever believed that, though antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds are helpful to those who need them, they are prescribed too easily. And I don't think I'm a person who can't function without them.

Little, PIDDLY things make me so angry these days. Furious, even. I find myself going to the Deep Dark Well of Hate much more often than I used to. It's a comfortable place for me to be. It's EASY to hate everything. It's EASY to believe that life handed me the shit cards and I can do nothing about it. What's hard is keeping my chin up. Believing in people. Trusting in friends and loved ones again. I've gone so often to a negative place in my life that I know I could stay here for a long time if I let myself.

I don't like myself. I'm not taking care of my body. I think I've painted my toenails twice this summer...that's a metaphor for the rest of me. It's summer, and my toenails should always be painted! I choose poorly when it comes to my diet. I don't exercise and haven't (in a major way) for months and months. I consistently turn to comfort, rather than productivity, in everything I do--in my free time I don't craft or get together with friends, I play solitaire or hidden object games with Golden Girls on in the background. I revel in my solitude while convincing myself that I am unloved.

I hope it will get better.