Life has been completely up-and-down lately, in every area of life.
The UPS: Paul went in for a CAT scan and the tumor has gone...an immense relief, obviously, but I wish we could see their family sooner than this summer to celebrate. Lindsay had her twins, beautiful and healthy (didn't think it was possible at such an early age, but Olivia looks just like her--a delicate beauty. Sophia is completely adorable, strong and robust; neither one have that "ugly newborn" look people always try to avoid talking about). Neil is doing really well, working on his writing, getting things ready for future plans, and always taking care of household duties that I have let slide in my absence. I have more than a little guilt about this, but it can't be helped right now.
The DOWNS: Work. Work is getting me tense. In a more major way than I have ever experienced. For the first time, I have way more expected of me than I have time to do...and some that I don't actually have the ABILITY to do, regardless of time. I am so afraid I'll have to walk tearfully into my boss' office and say "I can't do this huge project. I have no idea what I'm doing." I don't like admitting defeat, but I've been astounded this week at what's expected of me...and if no one else thinks it's a big deal, then I have to face the fact that I just can't handle this job. I want to do my best, and I don't want to waste anyone's time, all the time and effort they have put into hiring me and training me...but I feel like I'm in over my head. On Friday afternoon, I threw on my Skull Candies for 4 hours and took the self-training course again that may help me. I'll finish that up on Monday, but the office is so pro-meeting that I barely have more than one free hour at a time next week. And while I do enjoy my co-workers (they are delightful, honestly), if I'm expected to complete all my duties, I cannot waste two to three hours a day playfully arguing about flyers for National Library Week or what we'll serve at our co-worker's baby shower. And I look like a bad Team Player if I say I can't make it--I've never seen anyone in the office skip what seems to be an inconsequential meeting because they're busy doing actual work.
I'm sure it'll get better...I was just so bummed that I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, too, when my livelihood has always come easy. (With the exception of waiting tables, which was infinitely more stressful, but fun at the same time, and its variable-rewards system kept me going--yes, I'm a textbook Intro to Psych case, I'm afraid.)
Other downs include, as usual, this constant "things are out of control!" feeling. I'm not getting *anything* done at home. I have dozens of thank-you cards to mail out, and I finally have all the elements to them (photos, embellishments, cream-colored cards and envelopes, pretty stamps), and every time I use our new red Crock-Pot or the red windowpane kitchen towels or the fold-out TV trays or spend one gift card or another, it's with guilt: "I didn't even thank them for this yet. I am a crappy bride. I don't deserve to even use this!" I just can't get the energy to do them. I hate that.
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt's getting me DOWN. What a useless damned emotion.
I gotta cheer up, man...so what would do that for me? What do I want...??
1. A day to catch up...to be bored...to clean and run errands and nap and read and watch a backlog of shows and see my family and visit babies. Okay, this may take longer than a day. Maybe I just want *time*.
2. A trip somewhere to enjoy spring. To the gardens, or a baseball game, or a state park, or to go to Cosmo Park see my tiny brother Joe play in his tiny-tots soccer league where everyone would just run together in a pack after the ball. (Okay, that last one is impossible, as Joe is no longer tiny, nor did his soccer career take off.)
3. A scrapbook shopping spree in stores I've heard about in Kansas City (that Heidi Swapp herself raves about!)...a trip to Grinnell to stay in the Carriage House B&B, wander around the campus and campus bookstore the first day, then drive to Des Moines and Iowa City the second day to raid their glorious scrapbook stores...then stop by Jaarsma's on the way home for goodies.
4. June to come, so this schedule will lighten by a third.
5. To have the time/energy to eat better and exercise. I feel like such a PIG lately!
A few random observations to close...
- This morning, I left the house at 9:40 AM. I ran THREE errands, and was strolling into my Stephens work a little past ten. I have no idea how I did it.
- I am kind of, slowly slowly, working my way through my pile of library books. I'm a horrible librarian to have well overdue books, and I really just need to go through the pile and say "Okay, which of these do I really not care if I read or not?" Maybe I should do that tonight...
- I know this may look a little cutesy, but I *love* this idea...if I had a cat or a small dog, I'd be all about it! But I'd never have a cat.
And, with that, I close.
4 comments:
This will either make you feel better or make you think "Man. I am NOT going to be like her." To this day there are approximately 1/4 of my wedding thank-yous that never got sent. They got put off due to stress and time and life, etc. and finally because I thought it was more embarrassing to send them than to not. At approximately a year after my wedding, I "forgave" myself this task, but it was earlier than that that I realized it simply was not going to happen. I vowed to do better in the future and just moved on. :).
I love you. No matter what. And thank-yous are overrated.
and guilt IS a terribly useless emotion. and I have LOADS of it. Blah.
But... i like your "i want" list... I do it all the time in my journal, but how fun to do it on the bloggy! I will be stealing.
I would so do the cat thing! In a heartbeat...
I had the same problem when I started here .... there was so much stuff I felt like I couldn't do, and I'm terrified even now that I don't know how to do any of it, but I'm still here, and my co-workers wish I was staying. Hang in there! You'll work through it. Things are clouding your head at the moment and making it harder to think clearly.
Go for your wants ... definitely deserved, G. :)
I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. A lot of times, when that happens, I usually just shuffle things around without actually accomplishing anything. I hate that about me. I also tend to ignore the overwhelming problems until I HAVE to deal with them, which can tend to cause more problems, not to mention stress. That's where I'm at right now- so much to do with grading, planning, and doing the actual assignments and projects for the two classes I am taking (things I need to get done because the college semester ends in just a few WEEKS! I mean, where did the time actually GO?!?)
Still, I know you will get through the blahs because you do recognize things that keep you up. That really is a valuable gift. Remember to breathe, take things one at a time- focus on the little picture to avoid being overwhelmed (but don't completely lose sight of the big picture)- and let go of the guilt- just do what you CAN do to the best of your ability.
(Now, go treat yourself to something for doing as much as you do!)
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