I'm feeling icky.

I am restless and worried and bordering on panicky...I can't seem to get into anything these days. Tuesday was, of course, totally fun and filled with a lot of laughter and smiles, but I feel like it was a bright spot in a whirl of darkness. We keep getting bad news about Paul (nothing too serious in terms of his illness, but he's suffering), Neil is tired all the time, and I'm trying to cram in everything I can before life becomes severely work-centered next week. And I haven't been sticking to my eating plan as I should--probably because eating fun things is one of the only perks I get these days!

I feel like this has been the roughest fall. Ups and downs every day (and lately, downs almost always), and I HATE rollercoasters. I'm happy to have the wedding done with--which is what I said the whole time: "I want to be married, but I am on the fence with this whole wedding thing." I've determined for sure that I'm not a wedding person. I'm glad we did it...I know I'd always regret it if we just went to City Hall or something. But wow, did it affect us. Wow. And now we're going to be in the hole even deeper than we ever were...and even a month later, the costs keep rolling in. Yuck!! I have no clue how we're going to get through Christmas. Usually (as you may know), mid-November is when I start getting really excited about the upcoming holidays, but this year they seem to be speeding toward us too fast...and I know after that will come the most depressing three months of the year. Whee.

I start work on Monday, moving from a 20-hour week to a 60-hour one, which will obviously be miserable, but I know this needs to happen. I'm going to love working with Sarah and Susan, and everyone else sounds really cool (and I know Annie and Abby somewhat), so I'm not nervous about starting as I usually am when a new job begins. But, wow, I feel overwhelmed with home-duties even now...what's it going to be like when I'm home less 40-plus hours a week (with an hour of driving each day)?

I thought last night would be another bright spot. I'd been dying to show Neil "Sweeney Todd," and I scored really good seats--front row balcony, my favorite place in Jesse. But, dammit, they did it all artistically or whatever, with no real set pieces except a big black coffin, no costume changes, no props except for the very basics, and all the cast members played instruments throughout. I was so disappointed! This was Neil's first time, and I was so looking forward to showing him one of my favorite shows. And it is a HARD show to understand ANYWAY!! I felt so guilty for subjecting him to it. Neither of us had a good time, and I let a few tears flow during "Nothing's Gonna Harm You" because I've done such a piss-poor job of taking care of anyone lately.

And, there was no chair. NO CHAIR!! They brought out this little white coffin and acted like THAT was the chair. It was NOT the chair. Joanna had brown hair, even though they still sung about her flaxen hair. NO blood ran down anyone's throat. Instead, the whole stage was bathed in red light while the whistle sounded. And? PIRELLI WAS A CHICK. For some reason, I never approve when shows substitute girls in for guy roles--like at Hickman's "The Man Who Came to Dinner" (NOT the version I was in). The final nail in the coffin was when I saw that Bob Bohon was The Beadle. Ugh. His nasty vibrato punched through every song, and I winced whenever he had a solo. It was strange--this was a touring show, so you'd never expect a local actor to be a part of it unless it's Nutcracker with local dancers (like Lily did when she was tiny). But apparently Bohon's on tour. Hallelujah.

I'm bitching. I know.

I don't know what exactly is going on, or how it can be remedied. But I know something's different.