During a typical year, this is an awesome, awesome time. We're heavy into Thanksgiving preparation, I'm wrapping up Christmas shopping, and I'm putting out a few decorations, refraining from going crazy because if I were allowed to put out everything I had, we would have a house that looks like that one German restaurant, Rolf's, in New York around Christmastime.
This is just a piece of it; the entire restaurant is OVER THE TOP!!
I really, really want to go there. We tried, the one year I went to NYC in December (THE BEST EVER TIME TO GO), but they were booked for hours.
Okay, that cheered me up a little. I heart Christmas so.
Anyway...normally this is a wonderful time for me. It's not 19 degrees when I wake up, the leaves are still hanging on, and everything has a crisp excitement to it, from the Winter Wonderland at Wal-Mart to the early Christmas decorations to the prospect of Dad's Au Gratin potatoes to ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas specials.
I wish I could say this year was the same...I wish I could make this knot in my midsection dissolve, I wish I didn't feel like crying every time reality reminded me of its presence, and I wish I could make my new husband happy.
I started my new job this week, and while it's not exactly my dream come true (just the words "government documents" make me fall asleep), the people I work with make it wonderful. Sarah is infinitely patient with me (and how great it is to work with one of my best friends!), Annie is sweet and SO helpful, Tom's a riot, Abbey is awesome, I'm truly lucky to have Susan as a boss, and thank HEAVEN, Brando and I are friends again! I missed her so much. Between Lindsay (hello dear!), Shannon, Polly, and Andrea these past few months, it seems to be the time for renewing lost or forgotten friendships. It makes me really happy...especially amongst all the not-so-happy events of this year!
I still, as you have no doubt heard me bitching about, am putting in my hours at Stephens. It's not that I dislike the job at all; cataloging theatre, dance, art and fashion books? Are you kidding? LOVE IT. But squeezing in 20 more hours when I haven't worked for 40 in nearly four years...is tough. Not to mention the 35-45 minute commute to JC each way. I think I can get into a groove and become used to the schedule. I've certainly done it before, working at Jesse and DBRL and the University, along with Harlequin here and there. Thankfully, my sleeping pattern adjusted to the new schedule immediately--I started going to bed before ten every night, and am pretty much adhering to that daily. It hasn't been hard at all. I still haven't managed to overcome the 2:30-onwards slump that is happening every day, but I'm sure with enough caffeine, we can work together to make it bearable.
What makes me so unhappy isn't the schedule...or the fact that it's FREAKING cold for November. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I know I'm not making Neil happy. I see him smiling in photos Emily took long ago, or when we first met, or even when we got engaged, and I wonder what I can do to make him smile at me like that again. I feel like I'm trying really hard to take care of things around the house, but I'm not good enough--and this is true without question. I would love to be a perfect Bree Van De Camp Donna Reed, and make his eyes roll back in his head with my perfect pie crust and dust-free surfaces, but it's going to be awhile before I have a handle on all that--if ever! I know this is nothing new for wives and moms to think about; we're all over the place. And it isn't like I have a baby or anything important than I can pinpoint as a *reason* I'm letting my duties fall by the wayside.
I don't know that this is the reason he seems sad--I know he's having trouble dealing with everything else life has decided to chuck at his head these past months. We both are. It absolutely kills me to see him so beaten down, and know that I can't do a thing except bring him a Hawaiian pizza from Papa John's; when I try to talk to him about what's been going on, I only make it worse. I think I get so caught up in the "ME" aspect of it (i.e., focusing on how I'm feeling in response to his sadness, instead of focusing on him) that I sound selfish.
Sigh. I feel helpless and unable to enjoy much of anything this glorious season usually brings. I'm listening to Emily's brother Steven's Christmas playlist on his blog to make the atmosphere a little cheerier.
Back to cataloging. Here's to momentary distractions!
2 comments:
those knots in the tummy are probably the WORST feelings in the world... becuase you feel so HELPLESS. And it doesn't ever show signs of dissolving.
I am so sorry you are in the middle of so many questions right now... all while being so busy you can hardly stand up... what a yucky, snowballing combination. I wish I could do SOMETHING to take some of the load off. But until I can actually bring RELIEF, i'll just keep callin' you. and we can talk when it feels like the thing to do. (And when it feels like sleepin'-time, I'll say bye and let you go! :) ) LOVE you. This HAS to get better.
I'm so glad you're enjoying your new job (aside from the gov docs part - ick!)
I'm sorry you're having these thoughts now, of all times. I'm sure Neil doesn't want you to be Donna Reed. Perfect people are perfectly boring. And I certainly can't provide you any advice on marriage, since I'm not, but I would be surprised if it wasn't just the snowballing of everything that's happened to you two over the last six months. SO much has changed, and it's a lot to adjust to.
You and Neil are in my thoughts and prayers. Especially hoping you don't have a "Blue Christmas!"
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