Kind of crabby.

I don't know why, but I've been annoyed lately. Not at the general public or anything; no, my annoyance is focused on a few specific people. I don't really know what brought it on. Nothing had changed recently with them.

I think it may have to do with reconnecting with other friends, those where the relationship is way more 'give-and-take' than one-sided, and it's making me realize how frustrating it is to be in a place where I'm not getting anything out of the friendship no matter how much I give to it. Conversely, I'm sure I've treated others this way myself--not realizing that *I* am taking up an awful lot of the friendship-room talking about my own problems and not taking the time to make sure the other person needs some attention, too. It would be an easy trap to fall into.

For a while, after I moved back to Columbia especially (after New York), it was hard for me to make friends. I found myself in the most familiar place in the world, but it had changed. I couldn't just call up Jamie and be like "Hey doodles, let's hang just like we did five years ago!" I was working and meeting people there, but I didn't really like anyone enough to spend time with them socially, and they felt the same way. It wasn't a big deal, I thought; things would turn around, and for the time being, I could spend more time with the family. I lived alone, for the first time, and I could do things like watch any show I wanted! Dawson's Effing Creek! I could make pita and hummus and leave the tub open to double-dip from!

After the better part of a year, I did start to find my footing socially again, and had a fine time with a group of folks I'd known forever. It was one of those summers you look back on and smile thinking about. I've only had a few of those, and they almost always involve Maplewood Barn Community Theatre.

Okay, if I don't stop this, I'm going to turn this into an "ah-the-old-times" entry, and no one wants that. (Okay, *I* do. I am way nostalgic. But not right now.) My point is--and this sounds terrible, kind of, but I was kind of desperate for friends there for a little while. I'm not Miss Social Butterfly, so I had to wait for people to 'discover' me, and along the way, I think I didn't realize how much I was depending on people who probably shouldn't have been made to have that responsibility. I wanted much more from our friendship than they were willing to give--not that they were terrible people. Just that I was a bit lost, and grasping for friendship-straws wherever I could get them. And now, I'm kind of realizing how it's REALLY been throughout these years.

I guess it's lately, through new friendships at work and through FB, that I'm getting to see just how good I had it....how unselfishly fabulous my best friend at Grinnell is, how I connect absolutely perfectly, on just about every level, with my best friend from high school. I'm loving having these friendships back. I am so grateful to have another chance with them. I love my current friends, absolutely, and don't want to take them for granted...but sometimes, I wonder how I could have let those past ones go. And if I can learn to let go, just a bit, of the unhealthy ones that remain.

I feel like I'm being a downer, but I actually just cheered myself up writing this.

Okay, I'm going to change the subject.

February is a quarter gone! My least favorite month ever, and we've had like three days of 70-degree weather so far. I have two days off in the next week and a half, and one of those is a REAL day off, can you believe it? My adorable father sent me an e-mail invite to go to Nelson-Atkins, my favorite museum, on Presidents' Day! I haven't seen the remodel yet, and I do miss my Cloisters. I wish I could bring a book and sit in that area all day.

Neil and I have one more hump, next week, and then we'll start talking about what's in store for us. I don't know if this will mean an end in sight for me and my ever-busy schedule, and to be honest, it's okay if it doesn't. My schedule is tough right now, but life has gotten much easier to deal with.

However, my mother-in-law Meme is in the hospital, which is the one dark spot in this brightening time, and it's torture to get little snippets of news here and there via Facebook updates and phone calls--I know there's no other way to really do it, but it just makes me worry, and I am so, so, so tired of that emotion. It's an absolute waste, isn't it? My heart leaps into my throat every time I log on and see Neil's brother Mark's update as "Mark is worried about his mom," but I can't begrudge him for speaking his mind. I just think, after so many events have caused our families to plunge into "worry," why focus on it so much? It's just going to get us closer to a heart attack--or so it feels. (Plus, I might be in a unique situation--since I'm at work most of the time, every time I see a FB update that concerns me, I'm sometimes not in a place where I can immediately find out if something terrible has happened.)

I suppose it goes hand in hand with 'prayer,' doesn't it? Does 'prayer' eliminate worry, or exacerbate it? I always thought it was a hopeful thing--whenever people say "I'm praying for you/your mom/Meme," it feels like a warm thought, like they're making an effort to put in a good word with their god, on my behalf. Even though I inevitably don't share their beliefs, I am touched that they would go to the trouble, and any good thoughts can only help, right? If people are worrying about something, and they pray for/about it, does the worry leave? Does it stay the same? (I'm not really asking to find an answer--I know it's probably different for everybody. But since my in-laws are prayerful folks, maybe they're *not* dealing with worry the same way Neil and I are.)

Anyway.

I've found that, for the first time in my life, I'm having to organize way more than I ever did before. I have to almost choreograph my days in order to get everything done that needs doing. Last night after work, and after we had dinner, I wanted to pop back out again and run the errands that had been building up all week that I hadn't had time to do. It was about 62 degrees outside, and I wanted to enjoy the niceness for a little bit more, before it's gone forever in the subzero hell that is February. So before I took off, I thought long and hard about what I needed to do. It was 7:00, and both Hobby Lobby and the ARC close at 8:00. Gerbes is open 24 hours, and I wasn't sure about the car wash. Since HobLob, ARC, and Gerbes are so close to each other, I checked those off within 45 minutes, and was able to get gas and go through the car wash right by our apartment, and was home a little after eight. All I *really* had wanted to do was go to Hobby Lobby, but looking ahead to the rest of my weekend and week, I knew the rest of the stuff would never get done, so I figured I'd tackle them all. And I'm so glad I did! Of course, it effing RAINED all night, so the car wash wasn't really necessary, but mine was the only car in our lot this morning that was sparkling clean as opposed to pretty clean after the rain.

Tonight, I have a lot on my dry-erase board list: go to Dad's, clean the Water-Pik (nope, haven't done it yet!), clip coupons from several weeks' worth, and get a list together of supplies for cooky-making on Wednesday. I don't believe I can do this all in the four hours from when I get home until bedtime, especially since the Grammys are on (and despite my non-love of music in general, I cannot resist an awards show)...but I'm-a gonna try.

And that, folks, is a minutiae-filled blog entry. Wow.