A Dose of Minutiae

Losing my shit.

2012-02-11T19:53:00.002-06:00

I started a new job last Wednesday, at a super-fast-paced and crazy-growing mortgage company that acts as the--broker? middleman? I don't even know--SOMETHING for veterans.
I know. YAWN. But it's actually pretty exciting, and my position is surprisingly similar to cataloging.

The company has this reputation for being really fun and easygoing with a zillion perks, and all that is true. Right now we're housed in like five separate buildings in town (including the old Skatin' Station!), though, and I have to think that all the fun is just happening in locations *other* than the one I'm working in. Which is fine--I don't need zany costumes and paper airplanes and karaoke or whatever shit. Eventually more of us will be in the same building, and I'm sure the dynamic will change.

But I so didn't know what I was getting myself into.

My position is a new one, and we're all just feeling our way through for now. I thought this would be a nice challenge, and that because the company is so relaxed, it wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I was assured of in my interview as well. I got along with everyone famously back then, and really wanted to be hired.

My actual work is extremely challenging and fulfilling. The day zips by in what feels like minutes, and I never even have more than a moment to sit down for lunch. I make my own hours as long as I work 40 a week, and they're cool with overtime. My third day, I was put in charge of eight student workers and interns for a huge project...one that had never been done before and that I (of course) knew absolutely nothing about. I'm feeling my way blindly for goddamned sure, but it's trial by fire and I'm learning quickly. THAT part I dig.

But my boss...oh GOD, my boss. She is....

[Okay. She's a good, friendly person. I really liked her in my interview. We get along well, I'd say. Which is why I'm surprising myself at how viciously I have come to detest her in such a short period of time, when it comes to work.

I was told this position would be fairly independent...I wouldn't have much supervision and as long as I had a handle on what I was doing, I could do it how I wanted. PERFECT. This is how I thrive. As I said, I was thrust into this project in GO GO GO mode, and to be frank, I'm killing it. I'm proud of the work I'm doing, the people I'm supervising, and the rate we're going to complete it sooner than expected.]

But....my supervisor is like a helicopter mom. CONSTANTLY in my face..."So, you getting along good? Whatcha working on? Any issues today? When's so-and-so coming in? Did anyone tell you about the quirky microwave in the kitchen? Why are you using a calculator for that part? There shouldn't be any math. How many do we have left to do? How many have the interns done today?" And, fine, I realize that some of this stuff, she should know. She needs to know if I'm having issues. Maybe she needs to report on the interns' schedules. I'm all for open communication, and I DO appreciate a boss who is always in the loop.

But it's ALL THE TIME. Every half hour, some days. And she doesn't IM me with these questions (or at least freaking IM me and tell me she's on the way over), or e-mail, or set up a meeting, she just comes over, leans her butt on my desk, and yammers away...not caring a whit if I was in the middle of a very tedious Excel process which I need to start over if I'm interrupted. NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED OR ANYTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY MULTIPLE TIMES OMG I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DONE. And I *could* handle it better if it were just interruptions that I could answer quickly and move on. But inevitably she brings over, maybe every other interruption, a *major* change she just decided on. Which I then have to communicate separately to each person on the project--all of whom have different hours, no consistent e-mail system or access, and no IM. Every change also brings about an overhaul of how we've been doing the project, which she seems completely ignorant to. She breezes in with a "Oh, and btw, now we'll be checking this field against that field, thanks!" and when I tell her why that would be a fairly difficult thing to do given the information we're working with, I get a "Think positive, Genevieve! We're thinking positive about all this. Handle it, KTHXBAI!"

Her personality is very high-stress and 'flitty'...not unpleasantly so, just maddeningly so. She's always smiling and I don't believe her to be a negative person, but my heart rate goes up just by talking to her. Or hearing her nearby. Or now, recalling how she gets. I get stressed and kind of adopt her tone, and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure must be all day.

And I'm truly losing it. I had to have Neil come get me Friday after work because I couldn't drag myself the NINE MINUTES it takes to walk home. I was going absolutely crazy. The thing is...if she would just let me BE, I could work to get this project done faster than she could ever expect. I have it DOWN. I know what I'm doing! I need her to trust me, but more than that, I need her to drop the constant mothering that I think she puts on everyone in that department. I fear I won't last long if she doesn't.

But...I also fear it's her personality, and that it won't change. The thought of being surrounded by this amount of crazy for months down the road....oh, it just makes me panic. And the bitter irony of it is that if they let me just do this job as it was intended to be done, I could work the HELL out of it. I really do love it. :(

The worst part is, I feel the stress creep into my personal life. I'm hating quite a number of people right now...people who I normally like! Who have done NOTHING to make me angry. I'm judgey and bitter and jealous and savoring schadenfreude (with friends instead of enemies) and I feel ABSOLUTELY ugly and, for NO REASON, utterly alone. The bitch of it is that no one has made me feel this way! My friends have been supportive and loving and comforting and everything I know them to be. Neil takes good care of me, the kittens are cuddly and affectionate, my family's always glad to hear from me, and some really great and exciting things are on the horizon.

I hope it gets better. Or I gain patience and tolerance. I really don't want to sacrifice my sanity for a stupid, short-term job.

I wouldn't go back to my old job for anything. I know I didn't make a mistake leaving it. I just wish I was in a different place *now.*

BLECH.

Ooo, deep.

2011-12-20T13:28:00.002-06:00

I don't really know why I wanted to answer these. They're not my style. But for some reason, I'm here. Answering them.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Oh gimme a break, no one is going to put "failing." Even though I really really don't like keeping trying and trying and failing.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

IKNOWRITE

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Yeah, probs. I talk big talk, people. And I write big writes. Doing...eh, not so much.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Religious conflict. I think that's the root to soooooo many problems. Why can't those who choose to be devout leave those who have a different set of beliefs BE??? Do they really think they can change how someone thinks? How effing disrespectful. I hate it.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Reading. Puzzling (crossword; kakuro). Scrapbooking.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

These days, it's the latter. But it's because of the physical space I work in, not because of my career choice.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

God, that's depressing. I don't even feel growed up at 34.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

A lot of it. I settled in Columbia by choice, after trying out various other avenues by choice. Went looking for significant others proactively, and met my soul partner thusly. I went to school for the career that I now have--a job which fell into my lap.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Umm....that first one.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Defend her ferociously. No one talks bad about my peeps. I'd make them feel guilty about doing so, too.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Wow, no pressure. Umm...."Your parents don't know everything, sweetheart. They know a lot. But not everything."

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Um, yeah...duh!

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yeah...Emo Philips, for one.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Hold a pencil/knife; put my socks and shoes on; kiss

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Uhh...we're all different people here...just because I like drinking olive brine straight from the jar doesn't mean I'm baffled that other people don't. If everyone got happy at the exact same things, how boring a world would we live in?!!

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?

I want to get a tattoo. I'm scared of the pain....the cost...and that i might cry every time I see it

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

HA! Story of my FREAKING LIFE! Have you seen our storage unit?? My scrapbook room?? And yes...emotionally...yes.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Country: Canada. Don't know much about it, but you can't say anything bad about universal health care and no guns. Oh, and P.E.I.!!!

State: California, the Carolinas, NY (but only C), some other new-englandy state, PacNW, NM, Ill(but only Chicago), Wisconsin or Iowa if I develop a tolerance for winter.

I'd move for a great job, or family, or weather.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I used to, but I'm older and more cynical now.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton, hands down a million times. There's little joy in being smart. (I hope that doesn't sound snobby.)

Why are you, you?

Wow. Heavy.

Nurture, but mostly nature.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I try to be. But sometimes I'm really not. And I hate myself for it. :(

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch. I can deal with a LDR/friendship (shout-out to most everyone who reads this! Love you!)

What are you most grateful for?

Love in my life.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Holy yikes! I guess lose old ones. I don't want to live for the past.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Nope.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Yeah. But I have several. Just please do not let me ever be in a car sinking into water and I'll be okay.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

I TOTALLY do, damnit! And no it effing doesn't! LET IT GO, GEN!!!

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

1. When Mom came to pick me up to tell me about Lily in her tummy. She made me feel incredibly special.

2. Mom wakes me up at 3...4...something...AM, and in the chilly darkness we throw on sweats and head out to the University observatory. Hailey's Comet could be seen that night through the ginormous, scary telescope (not calling it Halley's no matter how wrong that makes me), and it was thrilling to be out with other families in the middle of the night experiencing this crazy thing together. Hardee's on the way home for breakfast, and then she lets me watch Mighty Mouse when I get home. It's Saturday morning and I've never seen Sat AM cartoons this early. Again...I felt special....coddled...on a secret mission.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Hmm....I haven't danced recently...or played a spirited game of Celebrity...or seen Rent...

Oh! Wait, yes...a few friends and I went to Mamma Mia at Jesse this year. Singing and dancing and watching old people dance...that was a trip!

If not now, then when?

IKNOWRITE

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Sorry charlie...there's generally something to lose.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Heck yeah. ;)

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

THIS IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Hell no.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Hell yes.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

The more work enjoy thing.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Not this day because it's all Christmassy up in here. But if not for the Christmas part...then yes. Yes yes yes. I've lived it daily for three years.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I'm pretty scared of the dark. Physically and metaphorically.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

Hi, I hate this question.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Eff no.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is merely physical. Living is making the most out of that alive body and soul.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

If I know it's right...then it's time as soon as I realize that.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Cuz it sucks, yo!

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Dance in public

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Just a moment ago when I was thinking about childhood memories. :)

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

What do I love? Really? I'm impatient with these questions. I love a lot. A lot of people, a lot of things. And yes, I try and always express it.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before

that? Or the day before that?

With some prodding, yes. My memory is the bane of my existence.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Until a month ago I would have said I'm letting others make them. But now I'm trying to make them for myself. A year ago...same thing.

June 16 - June 24

2011-10-05T14:40:00.003-05:00

What are some secrets that you've never shared with anyone?

Um...this is not a question I want to answer. I'll make up another one instead!

Substitute question:

What are your favorite numbers?

7 and 9. They are both so pretty! Girl numbers.

What songs would be included in the sound track to your life?

Number one: I'm not much of a music person. I don't identify with it, at any rate. I don't listen to a song and think "OMIGAWD THAT IS SOOOOOO ME." I don't get inspiration from effing Miley Cyrus singing about some Climb.

Number two: 'sound track' should be one word.

I'm not starting out this blog post very well. Two bad questions. Let's see if the third is better...

What are your favorite restaurants?

OK, I can handle this one.

Fast[er] food: McDonald's [except that icky Coke], Chipotle [I never remember what my favorite meat is called but it doesn't even matter because it's all super], the current incarnation of Domino's [genius!], Taco Bell [Volcano Nachos and a Classic Limeade Sparkler PLEEZ!], Panera [Chicken Frontega sandwich, bread bowl of Broccoli Cheese, and a loaf of unsliced Asiago to go!], In & Out [Animal style, obvies], The Great Greek [Saganaki! In LA, unfortch], Sbarro [Regular pepperoni with the crust dipped in the cupped cheese sauce. I know, it sounds weird], Mr. Goodcents [it was better in HS than it is now--but still, so good], Jimmy John's [THE VITO!], Portillo's [Italian beef with mozz, chocolate cake shake, the HOT DOGS...even the freaking salads are amazing], Au Bon Pain [never a disappointment], and whatever sandwich shop in England sells this one chicken sandwich that somehow cannot be replicated in the States. [EVERY SANDWICH SHOP sells them there, for serious.]

Sit-downs: Dewey's Pizza [I mourn that my favoritest ever, salami and pepperoni, was merely a seasonal selection], Shakespeare's [Sausage and pepperoni, room temperature], International Cafe [gyro gyro gyro!], India's Kitchen (formerly Rasoi) [Lamb Korma. Forever and always], Macaroni Grill [penne with extra buffalo mozz and arrabiata], Cheesecake Factory, CPK [call me boring, but their pepperoni is fabulous], Dharma Blue [in Pensacola. so amazing], Booche's [can't believe i hadn't tried this Columbia tradition until I was in my 20s!], Steak n Shake [Wisconsin Buttery or Cheesy Cheddar], Bleu [when they were good, that is], Sophia's [Brandy Cream Filet...Caesar salad...that one dessert they renamed and I forgot what it's called, but it's a brownie coated in ganache and then filled with hazelnut cream and O...M...G], 42 Stone [rarebit!], TGIFriday's, Flat Branch [cookie sundae], Bangkok Gardens [phat thai], Jimbo's [RIP, Grinnell Style Pepperoni].

OH MY GOOD LORD I AM HUNGRY NOW.

What were your favorite games to play at recess?

EEEEE SO FUN!!!

Okay here's what it was. It kinda switched up according to what was cool. So sometimes we'd all play four square and there would be a huge line for it, and we'd play by different rules and some were babyish (Unit A rules) and very proper, and some were WILD AND CRAZY (Unit Z rules!) and you could be really mean.

When I was super young, the girls would try to do tricks on the bars. I could do a penny flip but that was it. I bet that's deemed as 'too dangerous' nowadays. Oh, and a couple times a group of us [always girls] would go out to the corner of the field and play 'Light as a feather, stiff as a board.' That was so stupid. :)

If Alena and I were feeling cliqueish, we'd run to get the pair of swings and gossip. When she chose others to join us, we'd crawl inside the big cement tunnel and also gossip.

Oooh! Chinese jump rope. LOVED IT. I would so totally play that again. You had to wear your Keds while playing, though. Regular sneaks were too wide and you had to make your feet as skinny as possible so you wouldn't jump on the rope. That game was really hard to practice alone because you needed two pairs of feet holding each end.

When the New Equipment was installed in 5th grade, of course we had to break that in. And a tetherball pole was included, so *that* became The Thing To Do. There would always be a line, and when one person won, they got to keep playing until they lost. The line would chant "Go Sarah, no offense Jennifer!" and I always wondered what "noah fence" meant. But I said it anyway. Dad put a tetherball pole in our backyard too, but I never got super good. I always loved it though.

That was a really good question.

If you had to teach, what classes would you teach?

How To Play Celebrity

Slow, Slow Scrapbooking

How To Print Double-Sided

Why the Dewey Decimal System Sucks Balls

How To Find A Really Cheap Hotel Room

What activities make you lose track of time?

Online game play. Of any sort.

Phone-talking to a good phone-talker.

Blogging.

Pea-ing.

Being in the water.

Archiver's. :)

Spending time with good friends who I don't get to see very much. Yes, that means you!

What are the worst hairdos you have ever had?

Oh man. OH MAN.

My current hairdo isn't my favorite. I don't like how it looks when it's down. At least it's not driving me crazy. BUT, I'm kind of liking my shampoo-off days...I do a half-Snooki pouf in front and do the rest in two pigtails. They're really short and kind of squirt out of the pony holder (Goody Stay-Put, black) and I think it's kinda cute.

I've never loved my hairdo. I've loved my actual hair, but I hate dealing with it when it's down, so I put it up--and I hate how that looks when it's long. Totally unflattering. So that's one.

7th grade. Oh dear.

I always had good hair--manageable, a bit wavy, thick (which I later learned to be FINE hair, but a TON if it, so it looks thick). I had it shoulder-length and it was absolutely fine. I had it permed and it looked totally cute.

Then...1989 happened. I went to get a cut at Fantastic Sam's and she asked if I wanted layers. "Um...sure" I said, not really knowing what she meant. Nothing anyone had ever done to my hair had made it any less pretty or anything, so what the hell?

Except...she meant, dramatic layers. 1980s layers. Layers that feathered and thinned as they got longer. Layers that might have been on trend at that time, but were meant to be slaved over every day to get the right look. And if you didn't do that slaving...well, you looked like THIS:

[I probably should scan one of my photos from that era and put it in here. But everyone knows this isn't a photo blog. And I'm camera-shy, people! Come on.]

So, no photo. Just understand that I looked TURRIBLE. Yep, with a "U." I don't even deserve proper spelling. TURRIBLE. I looked kind of like a dog? Like a wet dog or cat? but not cute. I had yet to grow into my nose (I think it's okay now) and I didn't care how I dressed and it was just...like, so bad. If I could relive it I would, because then I could be like "OK Gen! Let's get that hair CHOPPED off instead of trying to grow out the layers. Let's buy some clothes at places other than Fashion Gal, and jump on that pinch-rolling bandwagon much sooner than you did. Don't be afraid of the curling iron! Or mascara! Let's get a lot of pastel-plaid printed stuff and a white cardigan and ROCK THE PREP! You are a size four, for God's sake! YOU WILL NEVER BE THIS SIZE AGAIN!"

And then....AND THEN...I permed it. A perm looked fine before, I thought...it'll be fine again. Oh, no. No it wasn't. I now had a mullet-y 'fro. I don't know how long I kept that before getting a 'reverse perm' (I don't think they offered a permanent hair straightening thing back then), but it wasn't long.

I learned in the course of 7th grade that I should do the doughnut-roll bang thing, and did that every day of 8th grade. yep, it was bad--but I had Lawman jeans and Gap khakis and real Polo shirts so I looked more like everyone else. But the bad hair didn't fully grow out until 9th grade.

Last one for today:

What are your favorite memories from the past year?

L.A. at Christmas for a week. Our hotel was SO charmingly quirky and Sherman Oaks a surprising delight.

Orlando/Groveland in February. I sooooo needed that visit. I needed Lindsay, I needed Olivia and Sophia, I needed orange groves...I needed Florida in February. And I hope to continue to do so. :)

Visiting Shanners and Will in Illinois/Indiana. Love you, gurl.

Getting to know Lucy and seeing Noah grow. Taking Em to Red Lead Paperworks.

Sarah's bachelorette party at the Hotel Frederick, bridal shower at Les Bourgeois (and I hate showers! I KNOW!), and wedding weekend in Wichita. Oh, and the visit when she asked me to be a bridesmaid because I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE!!!

St Louis trips with Neil, ending with our most recent one to see the PJ movie. It was all so perfect!

And...PARTS of the beach house week in Oak Island and the day and a half in Florida. There were *parts* that were absolutely wonderful. :)

I know I'm forgetting something awesome. Dang it. Oh well...

June 6 - June 15

2011-09-28T09:56:00.003-05:00

Holy crap I got a good night's sleep. I have, as usual, been getting a shameful amount per night since Saturday--5 hours tops. It's KILLING ME! Last night we ran a coupla errands after work, got home at 6:20, kept our eyes propped open for DVR'ed Jersey Shore...and crashed. I feel asleep twice before finally getting officially ready for bed at 9, even though the Cardinals had just scored over the Astros and Atlanta had lost making us SOSOSOCLOSE to the playoffs. Tonight will tell.

I slept until 5:30 today, getting up willingly and cheerfully after some weird-ass dreams. Because of my schedule/tiredness, I didn't get an evening workout in yesterday, AGAIN, and burned 2825. But that's better than my normal sitting rate of 2200-something, right??

What foreign cities would you like to visit someday?

Cairo, or wherever the Great Pyramids/Sphinx are.
Anywhere in Luxembourg, or southern France.
Barcelona (and anywhere in Spain).
Dublin (and anywhere in Ireland).
Bath and London and Stratford again.
Anywhere in Prince Edward Island. I check plane fares every so often...
Toronto. Vancouver.
Athens, then a beachside small town in Greece.
A charming small coastal town in Italy.
A tropical island, but Hawaii would probably be fine...so 'foreign' isn't a requirement.
Jalisco, Mexico. And Tlaquepaque. I can't believe I spelled that right!

Which qualities inspire you the most?

Resourcefulness/thrift. Hard working. Living every moment to the fullest. Choosing to be (and stay) happy. Deep and honest kindness/selflessness. Fearlessness. The ability to let go of unimportant things.

What makes you happiest in a relationship?

I'm going to take this to mean a romantic one...
Lots of good kissing. The ability to talk about everything and nothing. Taking care of one another. Common interests. A private language.

What do you think about the current state of the economy?

I guess that it sucks. It hasn't affected me directly very dramatically, except that Nixon (who I used to be supportive of) took away our day-after-Thanksgiving vacation day and switched insurance so we all have deductibles, so he could save money on the state budget. But it's made me more aware of the utterly ridiculous things the government *does* spend money on instead. Like having a special legislative session now in which nothing's getting done--and that's costing us $25,000 a day.

What days of your life would you like to live over again?

Whoa, this is hard! And cool. And deeper than I had imagined.

The day Neil and I talked about how we really felt...early on. And the day he first told me he loved me, and the day we first talked about marriage. Last Tuesday was awfully amazing, too...and lots of days like that, in between!

I don't know what year it was, but that one Christmas Eve we had Olive Garden, then piled into the van giggling madly...went to Unity to hear Steve sing (and sat by the window beside the amazingly-lit tree outside)...and drove around in high spirits looking at Christmas lights. There may have also been Milk Punch involved. It's a similar experience every year. :)

Iowa City scrapbook-shopping spree, Chicago scrap shopping, Des Moines scrap shopping with Linz, and the day in St Louis that Emily and I stumbled on a scrap store with *everything*, even a ton of current items, 60-75% off, and THEN she took me to Archiver's for the first time ever. And the day Ali and I cropped at Archiver's was pretty damned fun.

My first time being driven into NYC. Holy MOLY. I was so in love I wanted to cry. Mom took me, Steve, and Steve's friend Patty, and from the moment the car picked us up at the airport and we started to see the city lights, I felt an ache like my heart would burst. Our hotel was right off Times Square and incredibly charming. Even though it was late by the time we arrived (and we were planning on going to the Today Show early the next morning), we were so hyped up that we walked down to 30 Rockefeller Plaza that night. A crew was building a stage, and we asked what it was for--Riverdance, they told us. Steve, ever the gregarious one, started chatting with one of the construction guys, who offered to let us into the studio. We walked right into the area that Katie and Al and Matt and Ann sat every day, in complete wonder that we were able to get an insider's look on our very first day.

Arriving in LA for the first time...in awe of the flowery smell everywhere and the big-city feel, but not intimidatingly so. Eating a late dinner at a fantastic restaurant with open-to-the-street french doors.

And some days...I can't mention. ;)

If you could get a message across to a large group of people; what would your message be?

FIRSTofall, that semicolon is bugging the crap out of me. But I will resist my compulsions and leave it. Ihatethisfeeling.

My message would be that The Pioneer Woman is a fakery. I've seen the Drummonds' assets and it's absolutely unbelievable. I resent that she puts forth this image of "just lil ole me here in my house having to take care of my whole family all by my lonesome" when she's actually a dad-gum millionaire, with help in all areas of her home, and whose recipes are never original--word-for-word taken from other lesser known cookbooks. And then if people still love her...at least they know the truth.

What foods will you not try?

You thought I was picky before? I'll SHOW you picky!!! Also--please don't take this as a Challenge List. I won't hesitate to direct the inevitable vomit at your shoes.

Eggplant. Prunes. Mussels. Raw oysters (as well as cooked). Pickled pigs' feet. Sardines. Scallops. A portabello mushroom sandwich. Any type of bug that people sometimes eat. Escargot. Fruit jelly/jam/preserves (besides grape, and even then, I use it sparingly). Cherry pie or cobbler (or any other kind of fruit pie/cobbler except apple and gooseberry). Eggs with a bunch of vegetable crap in them. Sushi. Steak tartare. Supreme pizza, or veggie pizza. Turkey (from a box) or tuna (any) tetrazzini. Ravioli with veggies or meat in. Anything savory cooked with ginger. Seaweed. Caviar. Pumpkin in a non-sweet environment. KFC's Double Down sandwich. Those Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans that taste like Dirt and Grass and Earwax and Vomit and Spaghetti and Soap and Booger and Earthworm and Sardine. Marshmallow fondant (or anything marshmallow I haven't had the misfortune to try yet).

Which brands of toothbrush and toothpaste do you use?

Okay, this is hard for me to answer. Well, toothbrush is easy. Sonicare...so fab.

Toothpaste...my favorite is and has ALWAYS BEEN Colgate paste (the white kind) with something extra like Cavity Prevention or Tartar Control or Whitening or whatever. But I get sucked in by New and Different things all the time. Usually for toothpastes I get a small travel-size of the New and Different, inevitably find that it's not as good as my Old Standard, but use it up because I don't want to throw out something that I can handle for a while until I get back to my regular.

BUT.

I placed an order on Soap.com, and made the regrettable mistake of ordering *three* kinds of New and Different Colgate, ALL FULL SIZE.
None of which I really like.
And, to top it off, one of the New and Differents, though having a different name, is actually the same kind as another one of the New and Differents...so I have to choke down another whole full size of something I didn't like in the first place. I've opened all of them, so I can't donate them.

I know, I know. I should just dump them and learn a lesson from this. But somehow I can't.

Anyone know of any uses for Cinnamon Mint or Cinnamon Spice Colgate? I don't have any silver that needs de-tarnishing, and I'm happy with my picture-placement around the house. No holes need to be caulked.

(in searching for a review of this product, I came across Orson Scott Card's blog. He's a funny mofo! He has similar hang-ups as I do, too. Get ready for a new follower, Mr. Card!)

What are your favorite ice cream flavors?

Already answered this. A review: Tax Crunch, Mint Chocolate Chip, Mint Cookie, and Vermonty Python. (Rest in Peace, Retired Ben & Jerry's Best Flavor Ever.)

May 26 - June 5

2011-09-27T13:34:00.004-05:00

Only 2940 burned yesterday. Gack. I did work on crafty stuff throughout the evening, which needs to get done, but I didn't leave enough time for an hour-long workout. We did watch The Playboy Club, though; not as delicious or soapy as I'd wanted, but it was entertaining enough. (Also, The Office is absolutely not the same without Michael. I kept thinking something was missing.)

What are the boldest things you have ever done?

(OK, first, I am absolutely NOT bold.)

Had my hair dyed red. Online-to-IRL dated. Wore fishnets. Sung a solo on the Maplewood stage. Told the unpleasant truth. Confronted the people.

What have been the highlights of your week?

Since last Tuesday...

1. Trip to StL...Moonrise suite...cupcakes...PJ20 documentary...having one of the best Bloody Marys of my life on the rooftop terrace after the show, overlooking the Loop...the BEST BED ever...4 oz. filet and boursin/basil/tomato ravioli room service...lovely crisp fall weather the day after...playing with Lucy Lu, Emz, and and Noah in Fitz's...Trader Joe's/Archiver's on the way home. Felt like a weekend in the middle of the week!

2. "Just Breathe" and "Better Man"--my two favorite Pearl Jams at the moment. I love being really excited about new music. It doesn't happen often for me.

3. Windows and doors open all the time in the apartment.

4. Trees are starting to change to red. Fields to golden brown.

5. I never thought I'd say this, but Jon Bones Jones beating Quentin Rampage Jackson, UFC, Saturday night. He's a beautiful fighter--all legs and arms. And bonus: not too much blood!

6. FINALLY got myself to the storage unit to unload 7-8 boxes that had been in our entryway area. So good to get rid of them!

7. Settling into a craft project and watching TV with Neil last night. It's looking good, I think!

8. The work session I just had with my boss. I'm excited about some things!

OK, that's all for now.

What allergies do you have?

Oh, probably some outdoor stuff, when the seasons change. Maybe ragweed or something. Also cats. If I have a cold already, I cannot *breathe* around cats. If I'm around them too much under normal circumstances, I have to constantly wash my hands because I pet them on account of the softness. I also have a slight dermatographic reaction when lightly scratched (like by a cat or a sliver of wood), if that counts.

What radio stations do you listen to?

Very few these days. Y107 or 92.7 when I'm in a Poppy mood...93.1 for random stuff like Milli Vanilli and Poison...and I try to find a jazz station when driving from StL. But mostly it's audiobooks and music cds in the car.

What are the first things you notice about people?

Their face and body. Pretty/cute? Slim/average/heavy? I don't judge, I just notice. Light eyes. Lustrous or otherwise interesting hair. Do they dress funny or fabulously? Smiles that catch you off-guard with their dazzle. Wedding ring? Cross around their neck? Visible tattoos?

What are your favorite magazines to read?

Scrapbooking ones as long as they aren't lame. EWeekly. GAMES! Organize [defunct]. Budget Living [defunct]. Rosie's [defunct]. Sassy and Jane (defunct, defunct). Us/OK (yes, I know. Judge away). Those having to do with household tips, as long as they aren't too kid-centered.

What are some difficulties and hardships you've overcome or are in the process of overcoming?

Depression, anxiety, SOCIAL anxiety, obesity, *chosen* isolation (if that makes sense...), collecting bordering on obsessions, trusting, holding grudges for too long, staying on task, becoming too attached, laziness.

What are arguments your parents had that you would try and avoid with your partner?

Interesting question, but pretty irrelevant. I've talked to Dad a lot about this. He and Mom didn't really fight. It's not that their relationship was perfect, but any disagreements I heard them have were small and playful. And I think any grievances they had needed to discuss, they did so privately or in therapy.

What are subjects you wish you knew more about?

There are plenty of things I'm ignorant of--history, current events, calculus, physics, to name a few--but I'm happily ignorant. I really don't want to stress about current events. That may make me shallow, but I know I'd obsess over it. I'd be one of those people who watched CNN or Fox News (oh god not fox news, never mind) all day. I have enough stresses; I'd like to use my free time to work on being happy.

So what DO I want to know more about? Other teams in baseball. The entertainment business (the juicy stuff). Gadgetry/technology. Cataloging procedures. Writing a novel. Therapeutic methods. Staying healthy.

(P.S. Google's birthday photo today is super lame. Like a sad party in a room dimly lit with fluorescents. We know they have better stuff up in there! C'mon, man.)

May 21-May 25

2011-09-26T13:25:00.002-05:00

I super need to burn some cals here, folx. (I'm trying a new abbreviation of "folks." Did it work?) All this week, my goal is to burn 3400 a day. Wish me luck!

What do you think are the most important values in a relationship or friendship?

Loyalty. Kindness. The ability to laugh together. Being present. Presents. (just kidding! kinda. GIMME PREZZIES!) Not taking one another for granted. Belief in one another. Support.

What are the last things you purchased?

Cabochons.

What are your favorite crayon colors?

EEEE! I love this one too!
I won't re-evaluate for Current Times, because I'd probably choose stuff like Olive Green and Burnt Sienna, which my 9-year-old self would be TOTALLY APPALLED BY. So.

Midnight Blue. Green-Blue (or Blue-Green. Whichever was the bluer one.) Sky Blue. Magenta. Red.

Oh, man...I'm forgetting other names now. I'm going to check and see if I missed any. Wikipedia to the rescuuuuuuuuue!

Whoa, they have Almond now?? Neat!
Um...Beaver? Hmm...
I was totally right about the Green-Blue. I always thought it was weird that THAT was the bluer one.
Oh CRAP, there's a Cerulean now? Blast! I always KNEW I would love that color after Jane Banks described it in a Mary Poppins book. Another blue, too.
Ha! "Chestnut" was renamed from "Indian Red." Way to be PC, Crayola!
Ugh, there are so many of these that I just hated. Cornflower Blue SUCKED.
Manatee?! how cute!
Ooh, Outer Space looks neat.
Plum--I liked it, but only when Red-Violet was not available. Not Violet-Red. Red-Violet was darker/purplier. I would have loved Royal Purple too, I think, if it was invented before 1990.
That Silver was so much more metallic, and satisfying, than the other metallic ones.

Wow, WTH? I have never identified myself as liking blue. Not once. At least, I really don't like plain blue. Denim blue. Watery, shallow blue. Ick.

That's it, I need Crayolas for scrapbooking. Definitely.

What are the foods you hate?

FISH FISH FISH FISH fish. And all other sea creatures.
Raisins, as you [should] know.
Cooked fruit. Cooked fruit in desserts, except apple stuff.
Cooked carrots.
Yams/sweet potatoes.
Zucchini in anything other than bread. All squashes. I can take pumpkin when it's pureed and baked into something sweet like a pie or bread.
Buckwheat anything.
Celery.
Twizzlers.
Black licorice. WHY YOU SO CUTE, ALL-SORTS?
Plain pork chops.
Lemon poppyseed bread/muffins. Leave out the lemon, people! Not that hard.
Mushrooms, in every way that exists.
Green peppers. Also red.
Currant-flavored candy. Blue raspberry flavored things.
Dr. Pepper. Mountain Dew. Root Beer.
Beef Jerky (the dry kind. Not Slim Jims!)
Rusty Nails. (the drink. Although I imagine actual rusty nails aren't too delicious either.)
Chardonnay.
Mixed juices, except Cran-Apple or Cran-Grape.
Tea--iced, sweet, hot, whatever. It's dirty water, y'all. Dirty, dirty water.
Yorkshire pudding. Baaaaad experience.
Mushy apples. Red Delicious and Jonathan also are never good.
Skim milk.
Artichoke hearts (but I'm nuts for the leaves. Go figger.)
Miracle Whip.
Packaged cheap sliced lunchmeat, like bologna or turkey or cotto salami. As opposed to fresher, thinly sliced meat. But still no cotto salami or bologna pleez.
White chocolate.
Dry clementines. Always a disappointing end to citrus season.
Sweet salad dressing.
Ranch dressing, with a few exceptions. Just not on a salad.
Ketchup on or in anything but hamburgers and fries.
Meatloaf.
Meatballs.
Bread pudding.
Dressing/stuffing.
The onions and crouton in French Onion Soup.
Vegetable soup.

Awright, I'll stop. I am afraid of how long I could go with this...

May 11- May 20

2011-09-23T13:37:00.003-05:00

What's the longest you've gone without sleep? Why?

My trip to London in 2007. I think I was up for 24 hours or more because of the plane trip (and I couldn't sleep on the plane because I had a middle seat), and it was hard to get to sleep in the hotel room because I was so excited to be there. I was hungry, too, and ordered Beans on Toast for the first time ever, from room service. It was weird.

What makes up your favorite outfit?

Lately I've been liking my black pants, black tee, and army jacket for leaving the house. Inside the house it's stretchy gaucho pants and a fitted t-shirt. Oh, and no socks no socks NO SOCKS EVER.

Who are/were your favorite teachers?

Elementary: Mrs. Geel
Junior high: Linda Boyer
High school: Greg Butz and Doc Marquardt
Grinnell: Sandy Moffett
NYU: Eh
Law school: Greg Scott. I was dumbstruck when I read of his death a few weeks ago.
Library school: Denise Adkins

What are the moments in which you were the most proud?

Seeing my family and friends succeed. Like watching Steve kill it in Hamlet, or knock Carlton Banks down a few notches on Catch 21. Hearing of babies born to mothers who have been waiting so long for them.

Who in your family are you the most like?

Whoa my gosh. Dad. No, Joe. No...Steve. No, mom. ALL OF THEM!

What was your favorite game as a kid?

I looooved games, so picking a favorite is hard. And it depends on the era. I believe Candyland was my favorite as a tyke. I liked Life, then card games like Casino and Canasta and Egyptian Rat Screw as I got older. Then Trivial Pursuit whenever I could get Dad to play it with me, and then Mom got me SET. Oh, Set. Set Set Set.

What things did you crave when you were young and denied?

LOVE this question. Straight whipped cream in a bowl! Frosting ONLY! CANDY CANDY CANDY ALL OF THE CANDY!

What are your favorite things to do in the snow?

Ski, sled, fall in it. Tackle someone I like romantically and make out in a pile of snow. :)
Look out the window, cozy and warm one evening, to see it falling--and not have to be anywhere anytime soon.
(It's weird that this question is on May 19.)

What are your parents like?

Dad: Intelligent, sometimes intimidatingly so. Fairly stubborn although you wouldn't know it to talk to him. Patient as all get-out. Funny as hell. Athletic and active as a monkey. There for us as a friend and father, every time we need him. Loves us kids with all his heart. :)

Mama: Spiritual. Extremely friendly and loving to SO many people. Independent and sassy to the point of being inappropriately hilarious. Deep in her love for us kids, and has special relationships with each one of us. Passionate in her work as a therapist. Moon mama.

What the hell.

2011-09-22T11:00:00.003-05:00

I've decided to make this public again, and am debating disabling comments. I put too much validation into comments, and I want this blog to be my own journal, not someplace where I welcome judgment based on what I write. On the other hand, it's gotten to the point where it hurts my feelings when I *don't* get comments from friends, and I hate that I become upset over that. The last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel obligated to comment! It's a total struggle.

[Juli--thank you for your recent feedback, though. I don't have another venue to interact with you via social media, and it warms the cockles of my heart to know you're reading.]

I've also gotten negative feedback from friends, and while part of me thinks I do NOT need that fuckery and this is my journal, to do with what I wish, I DO welcome discussion, and will respond to all comments from now on. But be warned that by reading this, you might read something you don't like. Even if that 'something' is me going on for paragraphs about how much I love driveways.

It's also been a morning that has turned pissy, after a glorious mid-week trip to St Louis and a morning commute listening to Eddie Vedder. I had energy to burn, baby! But then...my boss got mad at me, and I'm letting it consume my thoughts. Ick. I was so uncomfortable that I actually went to her--something I would never have done before--and asked her about that anger. It was actually a really good talk, because her emotions were stemming from something else that had pissed her off.

But I'm still resentful, as my dysfunctional self is wont to do.

It's time for a list or seven.

If you had to choose, would you rather be rich or famous? Why?

Rich. I'm too self-conscious to be famous. I'm sure there are problems with being rich, but it sure would be nice to get gastric bypass or hire Curtis Stone. Yummmm.

What places do you visit the most?

Lots of 'places' questions in this thing.
Dad's house, St Louis, Chicago, Ohio (though not much in recent years)--and two places I wish I could go to more, LA and Florida.

What are your top 5 dream jobs?

1. Theatre librarian
2. Copy-editor at a YA/sassy chicklit imprint in NYC
3. NYPL cataloger
4. Part-time at Archiver's
5. Disney Christmas warehouse stock-boy

Runner-up: whoever makes sure the Cardinals' baseball pants fit them correctly.

What were your favorite things to do as a child?

Read, read, read. I'd read anything. I even tried some of Dad's classic stuff when I ran out of my own, but there's a reason Hemingway isn't marketed to eight-year-old girls.

Jump on neighbors' coveted trampolines. Jennifer and Andi had them, and it wasn't til junior year that Dad got ours.

Sneak in as much TV as possible. Television was extremely restricted, to my tween/adolescent mind, and none was allowed after 7:00 on weeknights, with the exception of Cosby Show, which we all watched together. I missed EVERY OTHER sitcom my friends would rave about. I was dying to see Tony Micelli and Judge Harry Stone and Cliff Claven and Mike Seaver and, most of all, Alex P. Keaton. OH BOY OH BOY did I have a mighty crush on Michael J. Fox. I did not understand how someone could even BE that attractive.

Put together puzzles with my parents as Simon & Garfunkel, or Peter, Paul, and Mary, played softly from the turntable.

What magazines would you like to be on the cover of?

Erm...not any, really. Maybe Library Journal for being the Best and Most Quirky Cataloger ever?

What are your favorite sports teams?

Cards, first and always first. Always happy to hear when Grinnell is doing well. Despite my lack of school spirit, I'll go with Mizzou Tigers next (men's basketball and football). Then Packers, and for eye candy purposes only, NYGiants and Bears. And Panthers, now. I might be the only Cards fan who likes the Cubbies a decent amount. I like that SF Giants crazy pitcher guy. And whatever team Eckstein is on. Even though I think he is done playing.

What people have taught you the most about life?

Mama, most of all. Dad. Steve. Joe. Lily. Neil, Linz, Em, Shannon, Sarah, Amanda, Annie, Brandy, Abs. Dr. Wheeler. So many more.

What are your worst dating experiences?

OOOH GOOD ONE!!! I wish I had better stories though. I'll do the first one that comes to mind, for now.

NYC, summer 2001. Met Thomas online, and he asked me out for drinks. I put on my killer red/black dress that makes me look like a different person practically, and trekked up some kind of Upper West or East Side, armed with my roommate Katie's cell phone for protection. She insisted. (Love that girl!) Thomas was attractive enough--very generic. Tall, dark hair, tanned, whatever. Nothing that blew me away, but better than average.
As *soon* as I sat down with him, he started talking about how he had a really prominent job and how he was in all these magazines. "How would you feel if I told you I was in the majority of the magazines you have studied this summer?" were actually words that came out of his arrogant face. I told him I wouldn't care.
When he paid the tab, he pulled out a GIGANTIC wad of bills and peeled off a few. I could tell he thought the wad was pretty neat. As we made moves to leave--and bear in mind, no romantic or sexual moves had been made by either of us yet-- he leaned over and said "You can't come back to my hotel room unless you go to the bathroom, take off your panties, and bring them back to me."

"Huh," I said. "Walk me to the subway?"

What are your favorite horror movies?

Um...zero.

What are the things that, at first glance, people would not know about you?

This is a really hard one. If my blog were private, I'd have many answers for this. :) A few of you reading know what they are, anyway, so maybe I don't have to answer at all. I guess I'll say I'm a little wilder than I look, and leave it at that.

And that, my friends...is THAT.

Suddenly Ugh.

2011-09-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

The day has been slowly but steadily deteriorating...not on a major level, just little annoyances here and there. I am at least a smidgen annoyed at just about everyone I know, and it is an UGLY feeling. And a recent conversation just kind of finished it for me...made me want to throw up my hands in disgust and declare Friend Bankruptcy.

(Okay, not really. But sometimes I think life would be easier with no one else to worry about other than family.)

I'm not getting sleep...AGAIN. I got five hours on Saturday night, and about that much ever since. That's definitely adding to the irritability too. I'm not really eating lunch at work, leading to binge-y behavior at night, and even then, nothing sounds good--I just eat it. Ugh ugh ugh.

I *have* been keeping to my semiformal "do at least one productive thing a night" resolution, though--dishes, chipboard-letter organization, cleaning. And, I'm happy to report that I'm finally super-enjoying Ramona and can't wait to get back to it. I had to force myself to put "...and her Father" down last night so I could get those aforementioned five hours of sleep. (And yes, it bugs me that I've been using quotes for book titles. I'd do italics, but it messes up the whole entry's formatting and I want to rip people's heads off then. Someday I'll go back through and edit. I think.) If I weren't so tired at work today, and succumbed to a sub-desk nap at lunchtime, I would have probs finished that book right up.

A few lists for today, April 26-28:

What are your major goals in life?
I'll just address goals that I haven't achieved, since I have done a lot of things I set out to do, i.e. get married, finish grad school, find a career I love.
-Live in a location I absolutely love. I thought at one point that it was Columbia, but it's not.
-I guess I'm supposed to put "Buy a house." But while that would be nice on some levels, I'm not ready for the responsibility yet. I don't want to have to fix a leaky roof or mow a lawn. I like being taken care of by 24/7 maintenance!
-Be happy most of the time.

What are your biggest pet peeves?
I'll think of some new ones that may not be on this blog's sidebar. So, they're not my biggest. I just have a lot of pet peeves. IT'S CHARMING.
Pants that are too short. Ears that need q-tipping. Weird laughs. Stray scotch tape. Those phone calls where you answer and say "Hello?" and a recording says "Hold please." Having to pee when you're really really sleepy.

What are your favorite things to shop for?
Scrapbooking supplies, hands down. Quirky jewelry. Books. Gadgets. Christmas gifts.

Marathon Fail.

2011-09-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I tried to do my Second Annual 48-Hour Reading Marathon (even though maybe the first one was two years ago? I can't remember) with Beverly Cleary as the featured author.

I gathered/borrowed all the books in her oeuvre, excluding two she wrote about Beaver Cleaver (which by the way I would LOVE to read, but no one has anymore). I set aside this past weekend--no plans, no obligations, just reading. I figured I'd like the experience even more than the Judy Blume weekend.

But...I didn't. I slacked. I stalled. I trudged. I found excuse after excuse NOT to read. I got my hair chopped off and my ears double-pierced. I grocery-shopped. I talked to Lily about bridesmaid bracelets. I played my turns promptly on Words With Friends. I read every interesting-looking thread on Two Peas. I returned two items to Wal-Mart that had been in the backseat of my car all summer. I went through Think Geek and Uncommon Goods catalogs online and pinned every single thing that looked interesting. I cleared Google Reader several times.

It actually was a fairly productive weekend.

What was wrong with me, though? I was avoiding Beverly-freaking-CLEARY?? I love these books! Ramona is my GIRRRRRL! I was excited to finally, finally read "Sister of the Bride"!

The only thing I can figure is that I really wasn't in a Book Place this weekend. Sometimes I get in moods where I just don't wanna read. And I won't, for several weeks, or months. I'll do a magazine here and there but not much else. And I haven't read a book for a long time. Many times, I am in a *total* Book Place. I'll be listening to one and in the middle of three more, devouring page after page during lunch hours and breaks and evenings. I love those times. They make me feel erudite.

But...I really want to read these books. I want to do it while I have them and while I'm still fresh in the series. So I'm making it my mission to FINISH this project. Not in 48 hours, of course, but in a week or so. And I'll keep writing in my little pocket spiral-bound journal, and report here either from time to time, or when I'm done.

I did get through seven-almost-eight books. I read the Ramona series from "Henry Huggins" to "Ramona the Brave," and am one chapter away from finishing that one.
So that's something.

Life Listed, April 18 - April 25

2011-09-09T11:21:00.001-05:00

I fear I've been falling into old Negative Nelly habits too often these days. That odd new feature on Facebook is what confirmed my vague suspicions...the sidebar that tells you what you wrote as your status on this day in previous years. And mine were almost always funny/happy, or goofy/happy, or muse-y/happy. They didn't scream "I'm bitching about something!"--and I wonder if I'm becoming the kind of person that whines all the time. And there's nothing more tiresome than a person who whines all the time...am I right? No matter what the subject is...it always sucks. Because what are people supposed to say to me? "I'm sorry," "That sucks"---different iterations, over and over and over? It can also be construed as attention-getting, and while I do like some attention, I don't want to get it because I'm complaining or through sympathy.

So, while I'll never be Rainbows and Light and Ponies Leaping Through Sun-Dappled Meadows...I DO want to be more upbeat. Life is going well right now, and there's no reason for me not to be. I just refuse to fake it. :)

Speaking of faking it...

What parties have you been to in the last year?

Ugh, parties! They make me nervous. They make my blood pressure rise. I will do ANYTHING to get out of a party, with a few exceptions. A few close-knit friends getting together to scrapbook? Hell yes. A family birthday with the Parshalls and select other family friends in attendance? Bring it on. In the case of this summer--a bachelorette party with the bridesmaids, a crazy cool hotel room, and multiple bottles of wine? Couldn't get enough! And if board games are involved, I am absolutely SO THERE. But...I can't take it if I don't know everyone at a party. Or am just acquaintances with them, or it's work sponsored. I just can't relax. I wish it were socially acceptable to pull a Rory Gilmore--find a comfy, high-backed chair to hide in and bust out some Dorothy Parker to read in relative peace. Ironically, I LOVE being away from parties...enjoying the noise and bursts of laughter while removed slightly from the action. When I was little, my parents would have dinner parties and let me stay up late. My favorite thing was going into the living room, one room away from the dining room, lay on the couch in my slippery party dress (ALWAYS satiny tulle, always ruffles), and be lulled to sleep by the muffled gaiety.

Oh yeah, the question at hand. Hm. Amy and Mark's wedding. Sarah's bachelorette, and Sarah's bridal shower. Sarah's wedding. That might be it.

What character traits do you use most often to judge people?

Intelligence and sense of humor.

What schools have you attended?

Children's House, 3-5
Ridgeway Elementary, 5-12
West Junior, 12-15
Hickman High, 15-18
Grinnell College, 18-22
NYU, 23-24
MU Law school, 26
SISLT (Library school @ MU), 27-30
UNC-Chapel Hill/Oxford University, 29

I have one last educational wish, and time will tell if it will come to fruition.

Which family members do you wish you weren't related to?

HA! Wowie wow wow. Well, I'll say right now--I love my immediate family to freaking pieces. I'm glad I'm related to them because they are automatically forced to love me and I am so damned lucky they do.

But...even though there are certainly extended family members who aren't always pleasant, I don't wish they weren't in my life. I don't have to see them very often, and when I do, it's been long enough that we pretty much just catch up and then our time together is over. My mom's family has some pretty horrific stories to tell--not that they would admit to them--but I've always been welcomed with open arms.

Who are your heros today?

HEROES, DAMMIT!!! HEROES!!!!!!

Call yourself a published work. Tsk tsk tsk.

I don't really have heroes. I don't think it's a very healthy method of consideration. I admire a lot of people, for dang sure...all you selfless mamas with your hands full day after day after day, teachers, nurses, artists, Zack Galifianakis...but I don't put anyone on a pedestal.

Which of your body parts do you hate the most?

Which? So, only one then..?
My lower stomach. All the fat goes there and it's so obvious. I've always had it--even at 135 lbs. I wish I could just cut it off. (Okay, ew. I won't do that. But if there was a pain-free, cost-free, side-effect-free way to do it...I'd be sorely tempted.)

Where do you like to travel and where have you been?

I feel like I've answered this about three times so far. So I'll make up a new one:

What was your worst vacation?

(so much for trying to be more upbeat.)

Though it wasn't 100% horrible, our trip to Reno in May of 2010 was quite memorable in very unpleasant ways. The first half-day of the train was good--fun and adventurous even, and we met an adorable old couple at dinner who showed us their pimped-out room (as in, it had a bathroom and was twice the size of our sleeper). Sleeping in our converted bunk beds was fun, and watching the countryside zip by through our huge window was neat. But the communal bathrooms were little more than airplane-sized, and our coffin-esque room got old REAL QUICK. I had just started taking Paxil the week before, and the side effects were kicking in--cold sweats, lack of interest in food, the shakes, and a general foggy-brained feeling. And there just wasn't anything to *do*. I couldn't read by the window or I'd get sick, and it just became a waiting game in between meals. Eventually we didn't even fold up the top bunk at all since napping was a good time-killer.

The next several days in Reno were okay. Grandma's house and landscape are absolutely gorgeous, and I would *love* to live in a place like hers one day, with dry landscaping and a mountain right outside her backdoor with little lizards scurrying around. The air was deliciously dry and mild, and we spent a lot of time sitting in the backyard enjoying the surroundings. I gambled for the first time in my life, and understood why I shouldn't let myself do that again--money lost all meaning to me. Charlie (Grandma's husband) was surly as usual, bitching about my taking naps (the Paxil's side effects were super bad there) and lord knows what else. But Grandma made cinnamon rolls and took us out to eat every night, and when it came time to leave, I'd had enough chicken fried steak to last several thousand years.

The train ride back was a *nightmare*. I don't even remember the first part of it, but the final twelve hours were unbearable. Shortly after we went to bed that last night, our A/C (which was controllable inside each little room) went full blast and would NOT stop. It was totally hot outside, but utterly freezing in our sleeper. We couldn't find any crew to help us, and even hours later when Neil eventually talked to someone, they couldn't do anything about it. We had only packed summer clothes, and the beds were equipped with a sheet and super-thin blanket. We wrapped ourselves as best we could, but there was nothing we could do but wait it out. We were bleary from lack of sleep, pissed off at not getting help, and shivering uncontrollably, stuck in this teeny rectangle of a room until the train rolled into Ottumwa, IA--only to have to drive three hours to get home.

Tickets for the train trip were about $1700. Never, ever, ever, EVER again.

Life Listed, Apr.1 - April 17

2011-09-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

So first of all, Blogger's apparently automatically doing this irritating-as-hell in-text advertising for everyone's blogger blogs, and it drives me nuts. Enough so that I kind of want to change blog hosts. But we'll see. I've done some research and no one else is bitching about it--even though I DID find an article about blog advertising saying "before you agree to in-text advertising, please be aware that it's the most annoying kind." YEAH, GOT IT. Apparently I have no control over it though.

What are your favorite board games?

(For April 1st? Really? No "What's the best prank you've ever pulled?" "How gullible are you?" Get with it, Life Listed.)

Trivial Pursuit... Celebrity, even though no board is required... Telestrations... Encore... Password... Sorry... If Magic counts, then Magic... Cranium

Where are the best places you have traveled?

NYC! Los Angeles. Seattle. Chicago. Des Moines. Bath, UK. Door County, WI. Orlando. Madison, WI. London, sometimes. A cemetery in Paris.

Where are unusual places you have taken a nap?

I'm not an easy napper, so not many. At work I've managed to accustom myself to sleeping on a yoga mat on the floor, though...on my stomach with a couple small pillows and a pashmina for cover.

What causes do you strongly believe in?

I haven't really gotten into any. I haven't made the time or money for it.

Which type of person do you hate the most?

Oooh. Attention whores. Moochers. Passive-aggressives. Hypochondriacs. Needies. Meanies. Fake-happies. The constant critic. Fair-weather friends.

What vehicles have you owned?

1988 gray Dodge Caravan; 1995 white Toyota Tercel; 2007 cactus pearl Toyota Corolla. I'm done with Toyotas after this one.

What are your favorite beers?

No beers ever. They taste like vomit. Woodpecker Cider's awesome, though. And Woodchuck.

What talent do you wish you'd been born with?

Musical. Artistic/crafty. Creativity.

Which web sites do you visit daily?

Erm...these are starting to sound similar...
Facebook, Gmail, Google Reader, Twitter

What are the worst pick-up lines you've ever heard?

A note taped to my door asking if I want to be friends with benefits with a box for Yes or No. A pencil was also included.

Which musical instruments do you (wish you could) play?

Piano, but mostly drums.

What are your favorite Disney movies?

Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins, and Little Mermaid. I don't like when they get sad, like Dumbo or Bambi or Fox and the Hound. And I don't like much action.

Who have been your favorite and worst roommates?

Favorites: Neil, Whitney Hicks at NYU, Zanne and Karen at Door County
Worst: Ex-boyf, Niki at Grinnell, Erica Fera at Arrow Rock

What are things that no one knows about you?

Yikes! Okay, well, there's no way I'm putting my deepest darkest here. I'll just treat it like normal trivia!

Man, this is tough. I'm pretty much an open book for things like this. If I haven't told people already, I've probably written it here somewhere.

I take all the soaps and freebies from hotel rooms so I can donate them to local homeless shelters, but I never get around to it so they just accumulate.

I get extremely jealous over little things (for multiple friends/family), but I try really hard to hide it.

I will never do karaoke, but I know I would have a freaking blast with it. I have fantasies about it. Generally in the car.

Let's call it a day. Whew.

Life Listed, Mar.14 - Mar.31

2011-09-07T10:00:00.003-05:00

What junk food did you eat this weekend?

Cupcakes. :) A small sea-salt brownie. Soda and fast food (hey, I was traveling). Dewey's pizza.

What holidays do you enjoy most and how do you celebrate them?

I love holidays, so I'm just going to list them in order.

January 1st--Mama and Lily's birthday. We gather at the homestead for gifts and a toast, Dad makes dinner and cake, and it's a quiet family night.
Valentine's Day--I like to make a big deal out of it, even if I'm not romantically attached. Everyone deserves love!!
St. Patrick's Day--Green beer bread!
Easter--some kind of fancy meat at Family Dinner, and Dad hides plastic eggs with money inside of them all over.
Mother's Day--Family dinner and a toast for Mama!
My birthday--Family dinner, Texas sheet cake, and Art in the Park gifts ALL FOR ME!! This year, I got a massage, which is a tradition I shall most definitely continue.
Father's Day--Family dinner, gifties--generally a joint affair with Jobie's birthday.
Independence Day--Fireworks from the big tents...many illegal, but we try not to make it too loud. Lily hates them and Mom was always scared of them. Dinner outside, then fight the traffic to watch the fireworks from the top of the parking garage.
Labor Day--Family dinner, this year with Lori Smarty!
Halloween--I'm very careful about channel-surfing. I love all the trappings of Halloween, but I generally don't participate. I think the last time I dressed up was when I was in law school. I donned my TGIFriday's uniform.
Thanksgiving--Cinnamon rolls for breakfast, then Lil and Dad cook all day and we have an early-ish dinner followed by games. Generally we're joined by the Parshalls.
Christmas Eve--best day ever!! Dinner out, ride around looking at Christmas lights, spiked egg nog and last-minute gift wrapping by the tree with Christmas Story playing all evening.
Christmas--Cinnamon rolls, presents...naptime for all but Lil and Dad, the cookers...then a big dinner with the Parshalls and games. A LOT like Thanksgiving.
New Year's Eve--not much, usually. If Neil stays up we'll kiss, of course, and some years I work on resolutions. Sometimes it's just an evening of reflection.

What are your favorite comic book characters?

Charlie Brown.

Do you have recurring dreams? What happens in them?

I don't like when people talk about their dreams, but I'll do this one anyway.

I'm lost on Grinnell's campus and can't find the dorm room I want to get to.
I don't have my locker combination and I HAVE to get in my locker.
The semester is almost over and I kept skipping this class I should have gone to. I even realize in the dream that I've graduated, but for some reason I kept going with school.
I'm completely in the weeds waiting tables at Friday's.
My significant other is cheating on me and being cruel about it.

What lies have you told this week?

Wow! Crazy one. Hmmmmm. Honestly I can't remember...I've been in a chipper mood for awhile now, so even if someone asks me how I am and I say "Good!" I definitely mean it. OH! I know. I just called my chiropractor's office and told them I wouldn't be coming in this week because I was picking Neil up from work even though he told me yesterday he'd be walking home while the weather is nice. Really I just didn't want to go see the chiropractor because I have my doubts that he really helps with my back pain, and I just want to go straight home after work.

What languages would you like to learn?

Spanish, I guess. But I don't really care if I do or not. Maybe see if I can pick up French again? There was a time when I did love it.

What were your first words as a baby?

HORSE.

[i was a pretty awesome baby.]

What places would you travel to if you could go back in time?

I'd meet Laura Ingalls, both while she was a kid on the prairie and after she became a successful [co-]author. So....DeSmet and Rocky Ridge Farm in Missouri. I'd like to see how the 50s were in Columbia. Or NYC. Or New Madrid.

Who are your favorite musical groups and/or artists?

Abba. Adam Lambert. NKOTB. George Michael. Poison. Paul Simon, and sometimes Garfunkel. Britney's fascinating and danceable, and if I didn't put her in here, I'd have to scroll up to the "what lies have you told this week?" and say I didn't list her. Peter, Paul, and Mary. More, I know, but that's what I can think of for now.

Who are your best friends?

Lindsay, Emily, Sarah M., Sarah I., Lily, Joe, Steve, Dad, Shannon....and Neil. :)

What are your favorite movie quotes?

First of all--Jackie and I used to send each other quote notes several times a week. So I'm embarrassingly well-versed in this area. I don't go quoting stuff like a loser, though.
Anything from Young Guns or Young Guns II--what junior high memories!! Also anything from When Harry Met Sally. Princess Bride, of course...I think that movie was made for the quotes. Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire (we had a THANG for Emilio).

Which are your favorite decades of music?

90s, then 80s.

What sports did you or do you play?

Soccer, softball, volleyball, swimming, skiing, kneeboarding. FOUR SQUARE, yo.

What are your 'most recent' favorite songs?

Taio Cruz, Dynamite and Break Your Heart...Jason DeRulo, Ridin Solo...SOME Katy Perry, and SOME Gaga if she isn't trying too hard...The Golden Age...Black Keys, Tighten Up and Next Girl

If your house was on fire and you could grab only 5 things before leaving, what would they be?

My husband!...my tablet...my phone...my car keys...am I wearing my glasses? Those, if I'm not.

My sentimental self would choose Neil, my big box of photos, my Genevieve's Jolly Postman book, Mama's pastels, and our wedding sand art.

One more for today!

What are your favorite cartoons?

Monchichi/Snorks/Gummi Bears, though it's been 30 years since I've seen them and they might be interminable now. Same with Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Scooby Doo, and He-Man. But I can ALWAYS watch a Peanuts holiday special, particularly the older ones. I can always watch a Garfield holiday special. Sleeping Beauty and Mickey Mouse. Anything Christmassy and cartoony, as long as it's not dark. Little Mermaid.

Life Listed, Mar.3- Mar.13

2011-09-06T13:35:00.004-05:00

I'm welcoming two new blog readers today: greetings, Lori and Bill! I don't think people really do that with their blogs, but when you have a solid four-person readership, it's important to let everyone know they're appreciated.

So I've finished with the first two months of the neglected Life Listed calendar. I'm powering on today until I get tired of it or keep coming upon really dumb questions.

What are your favorite pizza toppings?

Pretty picky about this. Pepperoni is #1. Sausage, depending on the place (Shakespeare's is divine). Hamburger, especially on Dad's. Lately I've been liking salami. Roma tomato slices. Different kinds of cheese as long as it's fairly mild. But mostly, that's it. I won't even go for onions. Peppers, no way...ham/canadian bacon is no good. Mushrooms--absolutely NOT. If I could find the person who first put pineapple on a pizza I would punch them in the nose. And I'm fairly confident in saying that anything else you may put on a pizza, I probably won't go for it.

What are your 5 favorite web sites?

Facebook, MSN games, Television Without Pity, Pandora, Google Reader

What are you most afraid to lose?

My family.

What are your favorite video games?

Hidden Object games, Bubble Town, Gold Miner, Heroes of Might & Magic, Civ2

What are your biggest accomplishments?

Having a career in an area I'm well-educated in. Finishing the Sunday New York Times Crossword in one sitting.

What are the worst movies you have ever seen?

I don't watch a lot of movies, and if they're bad, I generally stop or leave. But I've been in situations where leaving would be awkward....

"Speed Zone," Columbia Mall 4 theatres. Leena promised she'd pay me back if the movie was bad since I told her it didn't sound appealing, but she never did. You owe me like $2.50, girl.
"Idiocracy." Oh my god so bad. Our friends told us it was the funniest movie ever and we were kind of roped into seeing it with them, and we were both miserable throughout. They were so enthusiastic--there was no way we could have said "Umm...this is kind of interminable. We're gonna go now."
"Cable Guy." I went by myself at the Mall 4. I was such a Jim Carrey nut, and loved Matthew Broderick, that I was sure it was going to be awesome. Not awesome. I don't know why I didn't leave.
"Royal Tenenbaums." I just didn't get the humor at all. I think Wes Anderson isn't a good fit with me.
"Bitter Moon," when Peter Coyote came to Grinnell to talk about it.
"Citizen Kane." I only remember that it was soooooo long.

What famous people have you met?

Okay, "meet" is kind of a stretch here. I collect famous-people touches, but I'll try to keep this to encounters.

I did meet Edward Albee during his presentation at Jesse (I stage-managed). I told him I'd seen the London premiere of his "Play About the Baby" and we chatted for a minute about that.
Also had an encounter with Dave Atell under the same circumstances. The opening comedian had broken a bottle on the stage, and the first swipe with a broom after he was done wasn't very effective. I said to Atell "I'll run right out there and finish" and he said in a pissed-off tone "Don't worry about it." Douche. Oh, except earlier me and a friend were sitting in the dark backstage and he passed us and nodded to us, and in the dark he looked so much like a regular guy that I just ignored him. So I was kind of a douche to him!
Branford Marsalis gave a performance there too, and I stage-managed as always. He was totally cute and had vertigo! No fooling. He left his peacoat on the chair near me when he went onstage, and his little entourage was sitting all around too, and when I brushed against his coat I almost said "ooooh" out loud. It was cashmere and the softest thing I had ever felt. Throughout the show I touched it was much as I could.
There are probably more Jesse stories, but I don't remember now.

My favorite celeb-touching story is when I went to see "Amadeus" in London, with Michael Sheen and David Suchet. I heard in the lobby there was some celeb in the audience, and people were all kinds of abuzz about it. Since it was just me, and they sell student tickets at low prices an hour before the show, I got in like the 7th row for 30 pounds or something ridiculous. I kept looking around at the boxes or front rows for someone famous--was it the Queen?? Who are people TALKING ABOUT?!!! But only regular people were there. I heard a group sit down right behind me, and I smelled cigarette smoke. I turned slightly, not thinking anything of it, and WHOA. Blue eyes blue eyes BLUEST EYES EVER. Black short hair, army jacket, ratty clothes otherwise. No makeup, but those eyes! An instant after being dazzled, my brain clicked into gear and I thought "Holy crap--I have better seats than Boy George!"
When intermission began, I figured he'd be leaving to enjoy another smoke. I leaned wayyyy back in my seat, and he had to brush past me. CELEBRITY FORCE-TOUCH FOR THE WIN!!!

Last one for today:

What are your most embarrassing moments?

Oh man, the ones I've repressed so I'll never have to think about them? Lord.

In 9th grade I managed to fall UP the stairs at WJHS. A boy who knew I had a crush on him silently helped me up. I could have died.
I again fell UP the stairs a year or so ago here at work. A couple of men were behind me and asked if I needed help--since my bag's contents had scattered as well--and I angrily told them no. Man, being embarrassed sucks.
The summer after junior year, my good friend Melanie and I got in a big fight. She was working at Mazzio's with this guy I told her I'd had a crush on, but who didn't know I existed. She told him I liked him, just to get back at me. Luckily, he'd just graduated so I never had to see him again...but if I ever did see him again, I would again want to die.

That's all I want to recall on this subject. And I'm doing one more so it will perk me up a bit since my cheeks are burning.

What are your favorite things about your hometown?

Oh, what a cute one!!

Dad's house; Art in the Park; spring and fall; theatre; knowing the lay of the land; that I don't have to take time off for holidays; nothing is too far away from anything else; that the whole town comes out for big events; Mama's bench; MKT trail; a few remaining cobblestone streets; Farmer's Market; the ARC; Hartsburg pumpkins; evenings on the Flat Branch patio; the amazing tiled benches across the street from Cool Stuff; Murry's jazz; David Spear's paintings in Sophia's; the plaster cast museum on campus; memories of an old Barn; Children's House; Ridgeway; to-go wine at Jesse; Shakespeare's (preferably room-temperature); Trops on a hot night when you don't need to stay classy; hearing the football cheers from our balcony...

Life Listed, Feb. 15-Mar 2

2011-09-01T12:11:00.003-05:00

What would make a perfect date?

A mild summer night, theatre, a swingy dress, my man's hiney lookin' fine in nice pants, wine, driving in the dark, getting taken care of, treating ourselves, self-portraits, holding hands, laughing, fingernail polish, eyeliner, dessert, snuggles, hotel room, kisses against a car (I don't know, it's a thing for me), adventuring, not worrying about prices, enjoyable sighs, benches, a waterfront, smiles, learning new things, sharing food, naughty glances...I love dates. :)

What cool features would be in your dream house?

A scrap room for me with a Scrapbox and a (forgive the overuse of the term) man-cave for Neil; indoor swimming pool (Endless Pool FTW!); a large kitchen with an island you can comfortably gather/sit at; two fridges (with filtered water dispenser) and a deep freezer; a large garage; warmed bathroom floors; a hot tub; a deep whirlpool tub; red set of washer/dryers; plenty of accessible storage; a finished basement; a huge master bedroom you can fit a settee in; strong-water-flowing showers; indirect lighting like the Cloisters room at Nelson-Atkins; good ventilation so the windows can be opened when it's nice out; a wraparound porch with Adirondack seating and weatherproof pillows; a tiny toy Yorkie and a huge Great Dane who both adore us and each other; that one Crate and Barrel rug that's like $1100; a library with built-in custom shelving and a rolling ladder like in Music Man; warm colors in the kitchen (golds, reds, oranges, coppers); somewhere to display our Fiestaware; the ability to USE my Kitchenaid; a glass and red blender; a wall of glass; a guest bedroom; a step-down living room with cushy leather seating and two recliners; a Christmas room where I keep everything, and space to move it to when IT'S TIME; a Cali king sleigh bed (do those even exist?); a Shipping and Wrapping center; soft dining-table seating....OK, I could go on forever. But that's what Pinterest is for, am I right?

Who are the people you call most frequently?

I am SO not a phone-person. But Emily is, and Lily is, so I call them most. I talk to Neil a lot despite both of our aversions to the phone, and Dad too. Sometimes Gilbert and Sarah M., and OCCASIONALLY Lindsay if I'm going to die if we don't talk soon since it can't be discussed digitally or something. :) Grandma a few times a year...Joe and Steve, of course. Roger sometimes.

How late did you stay up each evening this week!

You guys, I am totally making a turnaround!! I take my Trazodone at 9 PM each night, which makes me ding-dong tired, and by 10 I can't keep my eyes open. I *can* push bedtime til 11, but mostly I'm asleep by then. it's been great!!

Where are your favorite places to get ice cream?

I'm sure I'll be condemned for saying this, but I'm not CRAZY for ice cream. I definitely like it, and if folks are getting it, I am totally in! But I don't know that I'd ever choose it over, say, a brownie. or a cupcake. Yeah, no, I never would. :) I enjoy it a lot if it has tons of crap in it--like gooey hot fudge (NOT Hershey's syrup. Gack!) or real swirls of peanut butter or Tax Crunch at Baskin Robbins--but am fairly uninterested in plain ice cream. Mint chocolate chip is about as 'vanilla' as I get. That said, though...my answers are Baskin-Robbins, Central Dairy, Shakes Frozen Custard, or a gelato stand. Pinkberry was okay, but I like Lollicup Tea's toppings better.

What are the best food dishes that you can make?

Rum cake, but you better like it strong. Crock-potted roast (apple cider vinegar is the key. Totally breaks it down). Totino's pizza with Tabasco all over it--does that count? I have the timing in the oven down to a freaking SCIENCE. Neil has said he likes when I marinate chicken and grill it, but I've developed an extreme aversion to raw chicken so I can't do that anymore. Bran muffins. I doctor up Hamburger Helper all the time with beans and tomatoes and onions and stuff...but...that may not count either. I've tried to make almost every dish of Dad's that I love at home (green salad, baked potato yogurt sauce, deviled eggs) but I can't do them right. It's not that I'm an awful cook...I just don't really like to do it. And if I had a large luxurious kitchen, I'm definitely willing to try!

What would you have on your own custom postage stamps?

Book covers. Vintage-like.

What are things you should never say in an interview?

This is weird for a list question. It's almost like a quiz question. Weren't these drilled into every single one of us in college/graduate school?

-"I didn't like my last job because..."

-"Do you guys get to wear jeans here?"

-"I don't work well with people."

-"My greatest fault? I'm totally lazy. like astronomical."

-"I'm wanting to work here just for a couple months until I get a real job."

-*chomp chomp* [gum]

What is your idea of an ideal mate?

Kind. Funny. Snuggly. Kissy. Dependable. Intelligent. Tall. Unskinny. Facial hair. Understanding. Patient. Nonjudgmental. Great smile. Attractive. Fun.

What do you love for breakfast?

Grandma's/Mom's warm cinnamon rolls JUST out of the oven. These are NOT big gigantic hard wastes of dough, people. They are skinny long rolls bursting with butter, sugar, and cinnamon in every millimeter. Served only at Thanksgiving and Christmas breakfasts. Often with maple sausage, cold milk, and Tropicana OJ. Heaven. Also: Dad's omelettes, any Dawson scrambling eggs, Applesauce bread from the Farmer's Market, Mom's Monkey Bread, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Blueberry Muffin Tops cereal, Egg McMuffin with sausage, McGriddles, biscuits and gravy, this one kind of breakfast burrito NO ONE sells anymore but it doesn't have anything nasty like onions or peppers in it, McD's steak/egg/cheese bagel, and a tall glass of icy cherry Pepsi--preferably without ice. Just ice-cold.

What songs would you like played at your wedding if it were today?

I always wanted to dance with Daddy to "Sunrise, Sunset." Or with my new husband to "The Way You Look Tonight." Blame "Father of the Bride" for that one. :) Oh, and some dance numbers, for sure...NKOTB, You're the One That I Want, Cha-Cha Slide, Cotton Eye Joe (just for the Electric Slide), Total Eclipse of the Heart....oh, now it's getting to be a PARTAY!!!!

What places would you like to live?

I'd love to try living IN Chicago...on Wacker in one of those awesome apartments the family walked by one Oscars Sunday. Near enough to NYC to take a day trip there one weekend a month. The Pacific NW...Portland or Seattle. San Diego or up near San Fran. The desert. Bath, UK. Madison, WI if it weren't so damn cold. The Villages, FL--in the winter. :)

What are the best compliments you've ever received?

When people say I'm funny, it is the best feeling ever. Ever! But it also chokes me up when they say I'm nice, because I'm really super hard working on that side of myself. Also when they say I smell good or look pretty. Or when I've lost weight, if they notice. If they like my jewelry or hair. We were at a restaurant and I finished ordering and the waitress said "You have good taste!" and I was like "Wowie! THANKS!" so I guess I like that too. Oh, and when people say I'm a good gift-giver! I love that because I put a lot of effort into gifts. (Shannon--you are hands down the best complimenter-friend on earth!! I feel so good about myself when you're in my life!!)

OK, last one for today....

What makes you smile?

Um, see above? Other than that....my Neil's smile. Sophie and Livi videos. Noah and Lucy's huge grins. Babies dressed up in funny costumes, or in formal stuff like bowties and shiny shoes. Little tiny dogs. GREAT BIG FLOPPY DOGS. My brother Steve's incredibly contagious laughter. Dates with my sister. Playing cards as a family. David Eckstein and Yadi. A performance that leaves me breathless. Anne of Green Gables. The opening to Golden Girls--the airplane against that sunset. My craft room. Presents (especially in the mail). Neil's pinky fingers and tummy.

Life Listed, Feb 3- Feb 14

2011-08-31T08:32:00.003-05:00

Who are your next door neighbors?

Across the way--a German or Russian family. Totally sweet, always says "Hello" in accented tones. Has a new baby that doesn't seem to cry a lot.

Below: Horrible Nick and family. I'd rather not talk about them.

Everyone else: ??

How are you the same person you were as a child?

I like lying on my belly and reading or doing puzzly games. I'm scared of a LOT of things, and if I get scared by something, it stays in my mind as fresh as that first moment for years. I love driveways and mild gray days. Simon and Garfunkel comfort me. There's nothing like being in a car at night--preferably a longish trip with someone else at the wheel. I can always watch Mary Poppins.

What are some reasons you would get up early on a Saturday?

Farmer's Market. Garage sales. Start or continue a road trip. Scrapbook shopping! Seeing babies. Last Saturday, it was to watch the train wreck that was Pioneer Woman on the Food Network.

Where do you want to visit before you die?

I DO NOT LIKE the 'die' questions. So I'll just answer this as if it said "Where do you want to visit that you've never been before?"

Egypt and the Pyramids.... Hawaii... a scrappy cruise... Scrapfest... Charleston... San Diego... Portland... Italy... Greece... Cincinnati... Colonial Williamsburg... a zipline somewhere amazing... southern France... Petrified Forest... wine country... Toronto... Prince Edward Island...

What are false rumors someone has spread about you?

Wow, yikes. I guess...not many? That I know of? OOOH I do remember that once in 6th grade or so, we kept having feuds, and once it was Betsy and Megan against me, Sarah, and Alena. They put a love note in a boy's cubby, saying "I have a crush on you, love Betsy" or something, and then told the teachers that *we* put it in there. Just to get us in trouble. it was evil! But not really a rumor, I guess. Never mind.

What are things that gross you out?

So many things. Slugs, dead snakes, hanging/dangling snakes/worms, that one picture of a crocodile and snake that no one should NEVER EVER SEE, boogers, stray long hairs (especially black ones), Lamisil commercials (Who needs to see an infected toe OMG!!!!), blood and gore, dirty floors behind toilets, normal things like B.O./bad breath/vomit...

What are your favorite youtube videos?

Anything with Adam Lambert or Steve Dawson.

How did your parents spoil you as a child?

They definitely didn't spoil me in traditional ways. But they spent a LOT of time with me, which I'm learning to see isn't always the case with my peers, and my peers with kids. A lot of you are awesome, but there are some who just disgust me with their negligence.

What are your topmost ambitions in life?

To be happy, at home, at work, and in play. Eliminate debts and stress when possible.

And let's end with a weird one...especially weird for Valentine's Day--

What are your favorite salad toppings?

Cheese, oil/vinegar, salt and pepper, onion (or I could just say "SALAD THE WAY DAD MAKES IT!!")...occasionally Caesar or bleu cheese dressing. Always Olive Garden dressing. Sometimes broccoli and carrots, sometimes salami, olives. Never croutons, never bacon bits, NEVER cucumbers, NEVER EVER EVER fruit. Fruit does not belong on a salad, period.

Life Listed

2011-08-30T11:57:00.003-05:00

I have this daily tear-off calendar. And I love it. But I am discouragingly far behind on its contents.

I was SO BLASTED EXCITED to get it, too. "I'm going to do this every day! It will change my life!" was my prediction. As it is with so many, many things. Remember in "Confessions of a Shopaholic" [book not film] when she's got to get that Hermes scarf because then she'll be known as "The Girl With The Hermes Scarf"? Ugh, so close to home.

[Do we *all* do that? Or, all of us who love to shop? DO we *all* justify everything we buy by promising we'll use it all the time and then do that maybe once or twice until it's relegated to the storage area specifically made for that genre of item? Jewelry, cute journals, self-help books, magazines, exercise equipment, artsy-crafty tools, DVDs, quirky decor...? I WILL GET TO IT! I *will.* Trust me.]

Anyway, it's a list you fill out every day. A different topic each day, cute little colors (navy-grey and lime green with white), tempting journalling lines to take as much space as you want. "I am going to fill the HELL out of this thing!" I told myself. of course I would! I LOVE LISTS!

But here it sits, on January 20.

I'm going to catch up on a few lists, on here. And then see if I can get up enough freaking motivation to do it regularly before 2012 comes. because if there's anything I hate, it's an out-of-date calendar that's still sitting out. Is anyone surprised?

WHAT IS ON YOUR BEDSIDE TABLE?

When I'm in bed: glasses, water bottle, eyedrops, hair-claw, Galaxy tablet, medications

WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITE BIRTHDAYS?

Mine, or someone else's? We'll go with mine, I guess.

I'm not too terribly social, so parties are always stressful. I remember one, though, that was fun fun fun...in our backyard on Stewart Road, 5th grade or so. May have been a joint birthday between me and Alena, but I can't remember. Kind of a DIY affair...people drew/signed all over the paper tablecloth with markers, and Mom got icing tubes from the bakery and everyone had a hand in decorating the cake. It looked insane when it was done. Most of the Ridgeway girls were there, all from my grade except Andrea and Sarah. Oh, and I think we called Mr. Colman over and drenched him with the hose. The year before, a true joint birthday with Alena, was good in a different way. We had a handful of girls over and camped out in the backyard.

WHAT ARE THE LAST 5 BOOKS YOU HAVE READ?

I haven't read many books recently--maybe not since "Room" or thereabouts. I guess I did download "Annie on my Mind" and read it last Friday. Good, not great. I found it for free, so no harm done.
I've listened to many, though. I've lived and breathed Sarah Dessen in the car all summer, and it's been lovely. I miss her world and am looking forward to enjoying the remaining audiobooks I haven't found yet. I've heard "This Lullaby," "Just Listen," "Lock and Key," and "Along for the Ride." Loved them all. She's like Meg Cabot but better.

WHAT SONGS WOULD YOU LIKE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Let's not talk about death, please. Next!

WHAT ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUT?

Um...not much, I guess. I'm spiritual about a few things, but not superstitious. I used to HAVE to do things (count everything I read in five syllables and end at five; repeat an action on the opposite side of my body--for example, if I cracked my left-hand middle-finger knuckle I'd have to crack the right-hand one too; say "Go Hamlet!" every time I passed the MO Theatre), and I suppose those might be...but I'm learning to let go.

WHAT TV SHOWS DO YOU WATCH THAT YOU WISH OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WATCHED?

Weird question to post on my blog, I guess. And I could skip it. But also, I'm not shy about admitting my guilty-pleasure TV-time. What are some shows I watch that I haven't talked about? "Cupcake Girls"...totally cute. I'm not ashamed of it, though. Plus: Canada! "Extreme Couponing"? Love it, but everyone I know has beef with it. "Ruby"--such a pleasure. i wish I knew that woman in person. Any sitcom from the 80s/90s, basically, that is on reruns or Netflix. My Two Dads, Wings, Coach, The Nanny, Who's the Boss, Blossom...the only ones I won't touch are Raymond, Curb Your Enthusiasm (might not be 90s...), Simpsons (why intelligent people claim this show is smart, I'll never understand), anything with the "Fat-guy-pretty-wife" scenario [tm Jack McFarland!]...okay, I could go on and on with this. I'm feeling fussy.

WHO ARE YOU MAD AT RIGHT NOW?

Ha! I'm in a bad mood, so perhaps it isn't the right time to answer this...

WHAT SONGS HAVE YOU REQUESTED TO A DJ?

I only remember calling Q97 in 7th grade and requesting "Please Don't Go Girl." I waited all weekend and they never played it. :(

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES?

Zero. God, should I even *try* to go to Harry Potter land?

WHAT ARE THE BIGGEST PERSONAL CHANGES YOU'VE EVER MADE?

I hate these all-caps, seriously. I only did it like that because that's how they are in the calendar but now they're pissing me off.

Ironically, not being such a bitch all the time. Hard to tell on days like today, though. :)
Losing weight, but should that count since gaining it all back?
Adopting a more patient attitude to life. Sometimes...

-What are things you wish you had invented?

I'm not doing all-caps anymore. Also this is a dumb question. Uhh...the internet? I'd be so rich now.

-What are your favorite musicals?

Ahhhh, good. Let's end on one I actually care about. Excellent work, Wednesday February 2!

25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (if it's touring near you, GO JUST GO. You will thank me. And die laughing. And it's so short--no intermission!)

Rent (f'rever. From the tuning-up/plaid pants to the BLAST that is the titular song to Mimi's glitter-hair to table-dancing at Lifecafe to Angel wracked with coughs [oh dear heavens I'm gonna cry] to the chills at seeing him run out again for the curtain call...it will never not be amazing. Okay, unless I see it seven times in one semester or two nights in a row again.)

West Side Story (normally I'd go for stage musicals over movie versions, but as the movie made me fall in love with musicals, I'm going for the film here. Despite Natalie's and Richard's lip-syncing...despite the complete change from the original libretto...I'll always love it best.)

I can't get enough of plenty of others either...Oklahoma, Sound of Music (again, movie only) Fiddler, Children of Eden (I know, it's about god stuff! But I like it anyway!), Music Man, She Loves Me, Secret Garden, Dolly, Pippin, Drood, Merrily, Producers, Ave. Q, Birdie, Sweeney Todd, Into the Woods (Or, Maplewood-style--"INNATHEWOODS"), Annie, The Boy Friend, Les Mis, Guys and Dolls, 42nd Street, Phantom, Cats (I'm not ashamed! That sh!t's entertaining!), Wicked, Cabaret, Fantasticks, Grease, King & I, Little Shop, Oliver, Mamma Mia, Ragtime (pretty much just for Sarah Brown Eyes)...

Middle-of-the-road (I'd see them again, but only if someone I knew was in it. or a celeb I adored): Anything Goes, Showboat, Chorus Line, Brigadoon, Chicago, Forum, Gypsy, JC Superstar, Man/La Mancha, My Fair Lady.

...but I can do forever without Joseph/Dreamcoat, South Pacific, Passion (when Sondheim effs up, he effs up good), Best/Whorehouse, Godspell, A Little Night Music, Sunday/Park/George (despite my love for Seurat), Miss Saigon (OHHHMYGOD SO BAD), Carousel, Cinderella, Hair, How to Succeed, Pajama Game, Lion King, Once/Mattress, Urinetown

Doldrums lifted

2011-08-26T10:06:00.002-05:00

Whew. That was a sad post I last wrote. I'm not that sad anymore.

Except, I'm still not getting the sleep I should. Not exercising, and not eating well. In a fit of annoyance last night, I quit the game I'm letting take up all my time, and I'm so glad I did. I didn't even want to leave the possibility open of me going back to it, so I deleted all the FB-friends who play with me and removed the app. (OK, yeah, I could re-install it, but I don't think I'll be tempted.)

I feel like I am *always* hungry lately. Like I'll eat a nice-sized lunch, and ten minutes after I'm finished and onto another activity, my body will feel like it hasn't eaten yet. This is, obviously, worrisome.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about overeating and why I act the way I do around food. And what I'm coming up with is the notion of the Picky Overeater. Which seems a contradiction in terms, a little bit...if someone is classified as picky, I picture an unhappy skinny-as-a-rail person staring distastefully at a plate of food and eating like a bird. But I'm the opposite. I finish my food, every time.

It's kind of a sick goal. No matter how full I am, if I'm in front of a dish I love, I WILL finish it. And I think part of the reason is *because* I'm picky. Because I'll NEVER get that dish again exactly like this, exactly the way I like it.

Which, of course, is completely untrue. McDonald's always tastes exactly the same. I order my favorite pasta dish from Macaroni Grill the same way each time, and it tastes exactly the same. A Hershey Bar is always exactly the same. But it doesn't matter. "I could be on a diet next time! I could be lactose intolerant or diabetic or so broke that I can't afford another $1 McDouble EVER AGAIN!" I justify it.

I was recently a bridesmaid in my dear friend Sarah's wedding, and got to spend a lot of time with her this summer in preparation. We've always been really close, but I observed her more recently in terms of her lifestyle--she's in fantastic shape and always has been, yet always participates in eating and snacking with everyone else and just seems to enjoy it all. And, I think...that's WHY she's so healthy. First, because she does eat everything, including scads of vegetables and fruits and healthy grains and such. But also, because she does love everything out there, and doesn't have this mindset of "I HAVE to eat this whole box of cookies because I don't like any other cookie quite the way I love these." She loves them and will have some, but she loves a lot of other things equally. (She also exercises, which would definitely help me...)

I also have gotten into the bad, bad habit--over the course of years and years and years--of serving myself far more than what would be called a single serving, of anything. ANYTHING. (Well, anything that I actually *like*, that is.) Restaurants, of course, are no help for this, as their servings are monstrous already. And I try to not eat a huge amount of food in front of most people. But whenever I fix something, I know I won't be sticking to the 'serving size' listed on the box. Even when I'm dieting, I'll save my calories to eat a big dinner, knowing I will have banked enough to have multiple servings of a single recipe/convenience food. I'd rather skip a meal and binge later than to eat sensibly during both meals.
Boy, that sounds nutso.

I have such a long way to go in controlling this. And it might be that I can't control it and will have to make rules for myself (i.e., no cookies in the house, period!) in order to maintain a reasonable weight. I hate that my addiction is so physically obvious, as opposed to others who can easily hide theirs. Or, maybe, that's actually a good thing, because I can't ignore how I look in the mirror, or photographs.

Desperately sad.

2011-08-09T08:35:00.002-05:00

And I haven't updated lately, for that reason.

This summer has been hard...the hardest I've ever been through. So many things have ended in disaster that I can't even fathom what could make it better. I cry at least once a day, due not to depression but circumstance.

I am lucky that I'm not clinically depressed...I know this. Sure, I take medication for social anxiety, but I really think it's just my introvert tendency. I'd like to wean myself off Paxil. I have ever believed that, though antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds are helpful to those who need them, they are prescribed too easily. And I don't think I'm a person who can't function without them.

Little, PIDDLY things make me so angry these days. Furious, even. I find myself going to the Deep Dark Well of Hate much more often than I used to. It's a comfortable place for me to be. It's EASY to hate everything. It's EASY to believe that life handed me the shit cards and I can do nothing about it. What's hard is keeping my chin up. Believing in people. Trusting in friends and loved ones again. I've gone so often to a negative place in my life that I know I could stay here for a long time if I let myself.

I don't like myself. I'm not taking care of my body. I think I've painted my toenails twice this summer...that's a metaphor for the rest of me. It's summer, and my toenails should always be painted! I choose poorly when it comes to my diet. I don't exercise and haven't (in a major way) for months and months. I consistently turn to comfort, rather than productivity, in everything I do--in my free time I don't craft or get together with friends, I play solitaire or hidden object games with Golden Girls on in the background. I revel in my solitude while convincing myself that I am unloved.

I hope it will get better.

I wish I could think of Sondheim titles for every blog entry, like Marc Cherry does for Desperate Housewives. :(

2011-06-01T11:40:00.003-05:00

Wednesday should not phonetically sound like "Wins-day," because it is never a win.

DKNY Spring Blossom for smellz, Fossil multicolor double-strand for the neck, and swirly bright blue small danglies for the ears. Not sure why I didn't do a bracelet...maybe cuz they've been annoying me more than usual lately.

I've been a disorganized MESS lately. It would seem, given my anal and anxious personality, that keeping a calendar would come naturally to me. But I've tried and tried...so many iterations, so many different types...and I just can't keep it going. I have specific ideas about what I want a calendar to do for me, and nothing I use is absolutely perfect. I thought having my Tab would change everything, but I haven't been able to find the perfect thing on there either. I have Evernote, but that doesn't lend itself to appointments and keeping running lists...otherwise I really like it.

I don't want to give up.

And maybe it's like dieting or exercising...I won't like it, but I just have to keep at it to make this effective. I just figured I'd love it. :-/

My foot's hurting again, after freeing it for the last several days. So that's lame.

People are bitching about the cicadas to NO END. Everywhere. I don't ever remember them complaining this much last time. I find the little shells fascinating. And really, can't we handle these harmless things in droves like this every 13 years? Gimme a break.

So, this double-strand necklace. I had to remove it. Who decided that these were a good idea? Mine get twisted around each other all day until they look like crap, and as soon as I disentangle them, they twist again. I like the looks of them--a pendant necklace made doubly interesting--but the logistics are a nightmare.

Okay, back to work. I am whiny today.

Processing.

2011-05-31T14:23:00.003-05:00

I have so many thoughts swirling around, I don't know where to begin. Half of it I can't write here anyway, so that helps. (Or not. Probably not.)

I'll just start with the basics.

CK Spring Temptations perfume, 1 brown flocked round beaded bracelet and 1 brown two-toned wooden-beaded bracelet (both removed), yellow rhinestone pendant necklace (removed due to damage); olive-y, yellow-y rhinestone dangly stud earrings.

Back to work after a long weekend, which was alternately awesome and absolutely terrible. Hyatt at the Arch--you've lost my business for good. But it was fantastic to see my darlin' Shannon, even if it was for far too short a time. I finished a crafty project (this is big, people....I am *not* a finisher!) and made a trip to the storage unit and finished an audio book. And kept reasonably well to my eating plan--although with travel it's always hard to be exact. Two pounds down this week, and I'm happy with that.

I can't quite believe this, but my work has recently no longer become the haven it once was. I'm not having a conflict with a co-worker exactly...it's just what I fear is the end to a friendship. And it makes me sad beyond what I would have expected. Since we're a tight-knit group, and I'm the prickliest one, I've been...not shunned, exactly. Everyone is too nice for that. They're all polite and kind and caring. It's just not the same for me there anymore. The group is not as cohesive (when I am around), and I am no longer sought out for chats or entertainment or what have you. It kinda kills me. :( I thought it would be one of the hardest things to eventually leave here next year, but now I don't think it will be. Silver lining, I guess.

Anyway.

I've noticed a strange feeling lately in regards to my eating. Before, when I was hungry, it was delightful to eat. I looked forward to it and planned it and made my life revolve around food. But with this plan, since I don't LOVE it, I just don't want to be hungry. Of course there are things I love to eat AND go with the plan, and I have those things on occasion. But mostly I just want to make it through the day without cheating or puking. So I've been semi-enjoying the *presence of* protein shakes...never liked them much before, but now they serve a purpose. They make my tummy un-growly, and they have nutrients I'm probably not getting elsewhere. And I don't love them, so I don't overdo it.

It's nice to not crave huge delicious meals all the time, and I like that I have an alternative when I just don't want to think about food. But at the same time, I miss that feeling--of being perfectly sated (or, most of the time, STUFFED) after eating *exactly* what I'm craving. (I don't, however, miss the rare heartburn, or waking up *still* feeling full because of a binge the night before, or hating the scale with a passion.)

I've definitely been trying to substitute favorite things, or indulgent things, with plan-friendly dishes. And while that does absolutely work...it doesn't teach me anything, you know? And I'm very conscious of that--whether or not I actually heed it. Even if I make a perfect imitation of a Dewey's Extra Pepperoni, I shouldn't eat as much as I can hold.

Cruddy week...

2011-05-26T07:38:00.002-05:00

It's only Thursday?!!

I guess I can't expect anything better, when I mistakenly thought TUESDAY was Friday. This has been a long one.

I think I'm becoming a *reluctant* sun-appreciator. I'm not saying 'worshiper' yet. But I'm so, so tired of the gray skies and the rain. Spring has become nonexistent in Columbia...and I have gobs and gobs I need to do, most of which must be put on hold due to the constant rain.

OH I AM IN SUCH A BAD MOOD. Terrible dreams last night...a better-than-average 6 hours of sleep, but that still sucks...the awful meeting we were supposed to have yesterday PM is now THIS afternoon because we had to spend almost TWO extremely uncomfortable hours in the depressing basement on Wednesday...I can't get work done on the house/storage unit because of ALL THE DAMNED RAIN...and I'm just not motivated/energetic/HAPPY. I want to be peppy again. I'm not saying it happens often, but it feels so great when I am.

Today I'm wearing Marc Jacobs' Daisy perfume, a yellow and burnished gold round pendant necklace, coppery beaded bracelets which I've already removed, and small gold earrings that say "STOP." Because I want this work-week to EFFING STOP. I have a *fun* weekend planned, and it can't come fast enough.

Oh, and Scotty winning Idol...better him than that fakey Lauren, but I still don't really care. We stopped watching weeks ago. Not a super-impressive finale either. Tom Jones? Gladys Knight? Er....thanks. [I'm also dismayed that they didn't show Adam, even though he said he'd be there.]

Slowwww day

2011-05-24T12:00:00.003-05:00

1 AM bedtime *again* last night. Arghh! I wasn't even a bit tired earlier, either--I didn't push it, I just stayed up til I was sleepy enough to dream. I'm paying for it today. And I'm on Reference, so lord help the patron who decides to ask me something complex. "You could probs just look that up on the web, man" will undoubtedly be my response.

I was mondo, mondo hungry yesterday evening. I didn't cheat, though--it's just that everything sounded good. So I ate what was allowed. I was so glad to wake up today knowing that I didn't fall off the wagon last night! And more of that yummy quiche awaited me at work.

DKNY Spring Blossom scent, plain silver Fossil toggle bracelet, the necklace from "Wicked" that Roger gave me last birthday, and clear pillow earrings studded with 'seed' rhinestones, shaped like a strawberry.

...bit of an UGH day at work today. It WILL be okay, and the supervisors are on our side, but someone here is mind-bogglingly detail-oriented and it's affecting everyone on this certain project. The project could have been done weeks ago, and we're still helping her hack away at it. It's kind of making me crazy. And I'm TOTALLY detail-oriented! I'm into details, yo! I do recognize, though, that I have to Let Go Of The Anal in order to do my work efficiently, and I'm pretty successful at that. She, on the other hand.....is NOT. It doesn't help that I don't really like her.

Don't you hate that--when you don't like someone just because of who they are (rather than something they've done to you)? I mean...I don't like it when I don't like someone because they have been mean to me or whatever either, but far too often I dislike someone because they have a crabby face or annoying tics or breathe too heavily when they talk.

Okay, that's all I got.

Okay, sunny mornings aren't SO bad when it's 63 degrees outside.

2011-05-23T07:59:00.002-05:00

Days5-7 were absolutely good, and my weigh-in this morning reflected a solid week adhering to the new rules. Woo woo!

AND I have a quiche for breakfast today, which totally started my Monday morning off right. I know I'll need a nap (too keyed up last night to get to sleep before 1 in the AM), but I'm very content right now.

The weekend was good, too. I finished editing Dad's manuscript, saw Lily and my gorgeous yoga instructor Melissa dance at the annual recital, returned things to three stores (and in the exchange process, got a bunch of Fiestaware on clearance), made a quiche, and enjoyed a crazy storm while safely inside on Sunday evening. Neil and I watched a lot of Metallica (Hetfield is almost 50! Holy what?!!) performing with the San Francisco Symphony, and there was a lot of cuddling. I booked two mini-trips--one next weekend to see my lovely, lovely friend Shannon in Illinois (girl, you need to give me a Plans tutorial while I'm with you. I don't know how to navigate there!), and one over the 4th of July weekend to meet our fabulous friends Ben and Candice in StL to see Eddie Vedder at the Fox. Neil and Candice are obsessed, so I suspect Ben and I will commiserate about our Pearl Jam widow/widower status the whole time. :) If only he scrapbooked!

The next month and a half is gonna be nutso. But in a good way.

May 27-29: St Louis/Mt Carmel IL

June 4: Yoga, Art in the Park, massage; June 5: BIRTHDAY WOOOOOO

June 8-9: MOBIUS Conference in Columbia

June 10: Begin driving after work toward North Carolina

June 11-13: Spend time with Morgan in Asheville and Joe and his girl in Chapel Hill

June 13-17: Beach house at Oak Island, NC with the Dazets [Mark's wedding on the 15th]

June 24: Sarah's bachelorette party in swingin' Boonville, MO; June 25: Sarah's bridal shower

July 1-3: StL for concert and Good Times

....and then it should settle down some until Sarah's wedding on August 13. I'd love to see her in Enid before that, though; we'll see.

Today: usual shower scent, big antigued-gold beads and ribbony necklace, light olive green smooth rock bracelet and tiny-green-rock bracelet (yeah, two at once. I AM A FASHION ICON), no earrings even though my hair is currently still wet and up in a claw. It will be down eventually though. i think. AND....[drum roll]....NO BOOT! I switched to kinesiology tape after a co-worker recommended it, and I think I'm getting the tips and tricks down to master this technique successfully. If my foot's still hurting just as bad at the end of this week, though, I'll have to take the prednisone. That's so not good for my upcoming plans, but I'll survive.

Will that damned song forever come to mind on Fridays??

2011-05-20T12:57:00.003-05:00

Day 4 went swimmingly, despite skipping lunch again and grocery-shopping after work.

Viva La Juicy scent, copper/silver stretchy bracelets from the Getty gift store, and copper-wired blue sparkly flower earrings from ABC, of which I have already lost one. Oh well. No necklace because my shirt has metal spangles on the neck line.

I'm watching the director's commentary of "Amelie" now and I keep giggling. Jeunet is so damned funny. I'm not a crazy fan of the movie itself, but I want to watch all his commentaries now.

He talks about the actor playing Amelie's love interest, and says "It is a tragedy because he doesn't work much. He is lazy. It all comes so easy for him. I am jealous--I hate him, in fact." and then, reassuring..."I am keeding."

On Audrey Tatou, the first day of filming. "Look at her 'aircut. She eez ugly. Like a cat....like a VET CAT."

"Filming in France is very deeficult because zee people...are mean. One time zis guy on the street said 'Fuck de cinema!' and would not move. We had to wait for him. One hour." "Don't come to Paris. It is miserable for zee French. Dog sheet all over" and then, a few moments later: "I like Paris. Iz very nice."

"I told dees woman to 'av low IQ for the scene. Her IQ was too high and I tell her to have a low IQ. And she did! She was so stupid! She was like a bird. In the scene."

When Amelie trades the foot cream for toothpaste: "Like all zee director in the world, I 'ave some very bad critics sometimes and I remember I had very very bad critic in France for the City of Lost Children and I remember I wanted to keel dis guy. And I imageened revenge, and that's the revenge I thought for him. But it's better to put in a film. Ob-vyooz-lee." ('obviously'--three syllables. SO FREAKING CHARMING!)

Okay, I'll stop for now. My lunch hour is up.

Rainy morning!

2011-05-19T07:59:00.002-05:00

I love gray or rainy...it's so not in-your-face, as sun always is, and how I generally prefer to be in the mornings. In more ways than one.

Day 3 went swimmingly, and I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning--and was pleasantly surprised. Seeing a loss is often a trigger for self-sabotage, though, so I'm going to try hard and make that NOT happen today, or anytime soon. I AM considering taking my birthday off, however.

Today is no scent but for Pantene and Lime/Coriander, an orange pave fireball M&M necklace (yes, I'm aware of the irony), and a colorful beaded bracelet I chose because it had orange in it. Hair down, so no earrings.

Speaking of hair...for awhile I loved mine. It had grown should-length after my Chop of 2010, the red color had faded to a light brown, and I was getting compliments and compliments. But now it's getting heavier and shaggier, and I should probably get a cut as the summer gets hotter. I know I'll get back into the Daily Ponytail habit if I don't.

Because I have so much protein for breakfast, I've not been eating lunch at midday and instead having another protein-y snack before I leave for the day. I *think* that's okay...right? I just hate eating at certain times simply because it's socially accepted. I hated that with dorm life. And all my friends ate at 4:30. :(

That's all for now because I hafta pee.

And goin'...

2011-05-18T09:20:00.002-05:00

Day 2 a success. I was ridiculous productive at home in the evening, but I was too keyed up then to get to bed at a reasonable hour and was up way past midnight.

I'd love to cook/prep one thing every night for the next day, so I don't have to think about food in the morning. But I think that goal's a bit too lofty...maybe every other day, and every day if I'm able? We'll see.

I'm in Ed Hardy perfume, a silver birdcage-with-bird-inside necklace, my crazy beloved beaded stretch bracelet, and the silver woman-sitting-on-the-edge-of-a-crescent-moon earrings from Mom. [Also, for the record, crazy beloved.]

Ohhhh this is a long day. I guess it's a testament to my job that days usually don't feel this long.

I feel boring and bored.
Also lazy.
And fizzy and funny and fine.

[Not really on those last three.]

It's goin'.

2011-05-17T09:54:00.003-05:00

Day 1 went well. I thought it would be so much worse...and it might still be, for future days...but often, Day 1 is the hardest, because it's SO EASY to say "Aww, I'll just have ONE LAST cheat day, and then start tomorrow. It won't hurt a thing."

I'm not wearing a certain scent today, just showered with Lime and Coriander Bath and Body Works shower gel and Pantene shampoo (and perhaps that's all I need--my hubs said I smelled good when I bade him farewell this morning). Around my neck is the silver Betsey necklace Lily picked out for me (huge crystal heart, fireball, little mesh bow), and no other jewelry because my army-green jacket is long-sleeved and my hair is down. Even though I am not wearing my jacket at my desk. Dangit.

I got a decent night's sleep, and may not even take a nap today! I was drifting off all last evening and thought I might even hit the sack before 9, but didn't get there til 10:30. Still....progress. My only lament is that I'm sacrificing my Comfort-in-the-form-of-Golden-Girls time, but you know what? Lifetime TV will always be there for me when I need them again. I'm thinking of going through the Gilmores again just to switch it up a bit, and because I've never watched the last couple seasons over again.

We're watching Season 3 of Big Bang Theory, and I Looooooove it. Sheldon is a treasure. He gets better and better with each season. Penny used to annoy me, but not so much anymore. The only character I can't stand is Howard's mom--it's a one-note gag, and those scenes seem to last foreeeeeever. But that's probably just because I can't wait for the other, better scenes to commence.

I'm boring today. But that's better than being angry or depressed, right?

Right.

It is Friday.

2011-05-13T13:31:00.003-05:00

And it's been a long week. Four-day weeks are always long, because you expect them to be short.

Today I'm in Chance by Chanel and my altered Scrabble tile King Louis XIV chair (or whatever) necklace...my cardigan is too long and delicate for a necklace, and my hair is (okay, WAS) down so no earrings (P.S., Herbal Essences Pin-Straight Shampoo and Conditioner combo: YOU DO NOT WORK). Oh, and I'm wearing an ugly, ugly boot. It is also hot in the boot. And total flip-flop weather. BEW.

I'm a little resigned, because in the very close horizon is a new-ish eating plan. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even going to talk about it specifically. I just know things have to change, and I can't do it alone, and I can't do it using general dietary regulations like WW or a reduction in caloric intake, because at this point in my life, I don't have the $%*ing discipline. And that depresses me. I've done it before, but I can't do it now. I'm in such severe Food-As-Comfort and Self-Sabotage mode that I can't even go more than a couple days without ruining it. I've tried OA; I may go back, but I need something more immediate now (they were all thin! Gah!) so it won't be a twice-a-week thing just yet. I need to supplement those meetings with a definite plan.

I've been gritting my teeth all day...not a good sign. I'm hungry for lunch but what's here doesn't sound good. There is work to be done but my motivation is in the negative zone. I didn't get much sleep during my sub-desk lunchtime nap (and a big fat four hours last night!). I'm addicted to online games again. Scraps of paper clutter my bags, filled with grocery items to buy, chores to do, things to look up, and errands to run.

But at least it's Friday. I have the whole weekend to turn the grump around...

Social Wednesday/Ouchie Thursday

2011-04-28T11:04:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, I got to sleep in a tiny bit (almost 8 hours! WOOO) and Neil dropped me off at Ellis for an RDA workshop (gag). (It's a new controversial system of cataloging.) Thus began my Surprisingly Social day.

I figured I'd know some fellow catalogers in the workshop, so I wasn't that surprised to see my former boss Corrie as we were looking for the workshop room. Then, it was pleasant to see fellow SISLT student Geoff, but not exactly a shocker since he works at Ellis as well.

Walking down the steps before lunch, I ran into my former Special Collections boss Karen, with her little ubiquitous bag of McD's. I then had an awkward, self-conscious lunch at the student union surrounded by hundreds of frat boys and skinny-jeaned/short-shorted sororstitutes...I HATE being the oldest person in a crowd...and, ironically because it's where I would have welcomed company the most, no social encounters there.

Neil came at the end of my lunch break to begin his work shift, so I got a little sugar there, and then it was back upstairs for the final segment of the workshop. I even made a new grumpy cataloger friend!

My instinct after these things is always to duck and run, but since I had to run an errand on campus, I stuck around until Neil was finished at around five. I went to Special Collections first, and had a freaking grand time with Karen, Erin, Kelli, the new Grad Asst (Amy, I think?), and especially my dear Alla, who looked tiny and stunning as usual. It even smelled good there...like old books. Familiar.

I then walked over to Clark Hall, and stopped at a table inside to catch my breath and regroup (I am SO out of shape, y'all). I glanced over at the O.T. student slouched on the couch area, and....it was Tina! Really good to see her again. I hadn't really talked to her in over a year, I think. We chatted about boys and brothers, and she said her class had watched some video put on by past O.T. students, and it starred my mama and dad! Tina said she was crying because she'd never heard Mom's voice before, and I remembered what an effect her voice had on me at the funeral when Kirsten played a radio interview Mom had given some years before.

Next on my list was to give Star/Shannon her Mamma Mia tickets, so I went up to the 7th floor after bypassing my old Center for Distance and Independent Study on the 1st...I was in a social mood, and should have dropped by to at least give Ellen a hug, but I was already running really late, so I didn't. Also I am not good with people.

Shannon was, as expected, star-studded, and after chatting for a minute, I took off. I walked uphill back to Ellis, panting and out of breath by the time I climbed the west entrance steps, to find Neil waiting and ready to go. My feet killed, so he went to get the car and picked me up.

This morning, Thursday, I expected my feet to hurt. They don't, much (except the constant nagging pain of the stress fracture or something that's on the top/side of my left foot), but my calves are burnin'! I really haven't been exercising much lately, I guess. I've been burning calories, but I wonder if it's just not enough. A few walks across part of campus never used to be enough to make me need to sit down and rest.

Not a whole lot of sleep last night (6 hours), so I'm taking a yoga-mat nap here in a few. Today's accessories: blue starry beaded bracelet, Lucky moon and stars necklaces, crazy blue drop earrings, Irresistible Apple Bath and Body Works perfume.

And tomorrow, we're headed to KC for a fun weekend! I bid super cheap on Priceline and got a ridiculous deal on that fancy Hyatt at the Crown Center. Whee!

My molar hurts when I eat sweet things sometimes. I worry that it is a cavity.

Tired Tuesday

2011-04-19T12:21:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3400 C EXACTLY. I don't think I've ever done that before!

2. Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume, silver teacup-and-spoon earrings, rainbow enamel necklace with a cloud at each end.

3. I MADE TRIB TALK TODAY, Y'ALL!!

4. Finished my final big batch of single-colored stickers after procrastinating for days and days. Trying to decide if I should tackle multicolored letters or chipboard next. I think chipboard would give me more of a sense of accomplishment....I just need to get Sean's cage off the table to make room for my Container Store booty.

5. Is there anything better than a surprise gift in the mail? I am so amazed whenever I get one..."this person went to this trouble...for *me*??? FOR ME FOR ME???" One was waiting for me when I got home on Sunday (and the very best kind....with scrappin' supplies I can't buy for myself!!), and it charmed the pants off me. I pity those who become complacent at these acts of kindness.

6. Our TV is out of control. It takes about ten minutes to turn on, if it turns on at all, and it's only...two years old, I think? I thought you'd do us right, Samsung. We'll see how far your customer service takes us.

7. I joined Two Peas in a Bucket, hoping to get scrappy advice and share my own experiences, but I've found that they're a bunch of cliquey, bitter b!tches. I've attempted to ask, respond, and be friendly, but they don't talk to anyone who isn't already established. I'm disappointed, as I've heard so many rave about it. But it's just another time-waster I don't need, I suppose.

8. When I got in the car at 5, it was 70 outside. When I arrived home an hour later, it was 48. Missouri can soooo suck it.

Back-to-reality Monday

2011-04-18T08:20:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3860 C (a new record!)...and my weight this morning completely reflected a gluttonous StL weekend.

2. I'm listening to a short-story collection during my commute, and this morning was a story called "Full Count." The title made me smile because I *love* full counts [in baseball], and about halfway through, the heroine describes how much she loves them too. And for most of the same reasons I do. Kindred spirit alert!

3. Alpine Bell perfume, Betsey earrings of little rubber duckies, multicolored beaded necklace from Hong's ($1.99! Score!).

4. I had a fantastic weekend...nice big hotel suite, Taxicab Confessions (How can you go to sleep when that's on?? Riveting!), yummy yummy food, cheap costume jewelry, Container Store madness, World Market, Emily-and-Noah-Time, and most importantly, meeting pretty miss Lucy Charlotte. Such a tiny little nugget. When I'm with my friends' babies, I just somehow can't believe that my dears MADE that kid. I mean....I make things, like deviled eggs and Altoid tin wedding invites and a coupon binder. But a little perfect child? Whoa.

5. I'm afraid I'm playing again. Computer games, that is. FB got a Hidden Object multiplayer game and it is AWE. SUM. It's a game I'd play online anyway, so it's not a total waste. But still--I need to not let this get out of control.

6. I've been frustrated with my jewelry organization, and did some fruitless searching for a hanging earring organizer (after purchasing a metal bulletin board at Container Store for my necklaces over the weekend). All I found were $50 displays that didn't hold many earrings. Then I thought--'what about a framed piece of mesh screen?' and got to work. I nailed Sean's cage cover to my closet wall, and begun hanging. I LOVE it. All my wire earrings are displayed in one spot, with plenty of room left over for new acquisitions, and there's still room below the screen for the necklace board.

Weak-Ass Wednesday/Thursday

2011-04-14T07:49:00.003-05:00

1. Burned not even 500 calories extra yesterday. Close to, though.

2. Yesterday, I didn't give a single crap how I looked. I'm better today. Juicy perfume, Betsey anchor/cord necklace, glittery blue starry bracelet, and, for the first time EVER, my bungee-jumper earrings! They have a long red stretchy cord, with a man dangling upside down at the bottom because he is bungee-jumping. It's the closest I'll ever come to it, and for this, I am glad.

3. It's been a pretty crappy week.

4. BUT, Em had her little Lucy Charlotte, who is beautiful! I wonder if that's why I'm so emotional?

5. I fell down yesterday, and my knee kills.

6. I'm shaky and weak and JUST ICKY. I don't think I'm sick...I just think my body's giving out a bit this week. Maybe it's trying to tell me to get in shape.

7. I got to bed well before eleven last night, but it still should have been earlier. So I think I got around 6.5 hours of sleep. I think maybe it's taking a toll on my mental well-being. I feel stupid.

8. We've had some weird schedules this week, so we just watched the first ep of Idol on Thursday night. Casey did Nature Boy...so eerily beautiful.

9. I am so far behind on everything that I'm getting hopeless. They're all little things--piles of unread magazines, totes full of stuff to put on eBay, shelves of library books, a 99%-full DVR--but combined, it's stressful.

10. Why do cooked carrots taste so much more disgusting than uncooked?

Trafficky Tuesday

2011-04-12T08:55:00.003-05:00

1. Burned ??C

2. Extra twenty minutes on the road this morning. Standstill traffic on 63 = excellent way to start the day. NOT REALLY, NO.

3. DKNY Spring Blossom perfume; freshwater pearl neutral-colors bracelet from MO Botanical Gardens gift shop; Lucky (?) magnifying-glass-ish necklace.

4. I covered Reference yesterday and am on it today again. I hate it. you know this though.

5. Em's being induced today, so every time my phone makes a peep, I'm all a-flutter! Come on now, Lucy...don't give mama any trouble today.

6. I went to a French online scrap store called Le Temple du Scrap, and used Google Translate to see it in English. Under the "Tools" menu is an item called "Die TIM HOLTZ." Hee!

7. Week went downhill from here...

Mild Monday

2011-04-11T07:45:00.002-05:00

1. Burned 3548 C.

2. GACK my damned weight! I've joined a group online in hopes that it will help even more to keeping me accountable. Goal this week: 2 pounds gone. I put Calorific on my tab to track my calories, too.

3. CK Euphoria Spring Temptations perfume; Betsey enamel bangles (one black with red lips, one black with white bows); dark red diamond-shaped enamel earrings; hematite owl necklace.

4. Four hours of sleep last night. But I feel good at the moment. It was a strange, strange weekend (hence no blogging), and we all felt last night like we'd run a marathon or something--but in the end, it was wonderful.

5. Single-colored stickers are so close to being done! I would have finished last night, but it was already 1:30 and it would have taken me another half hour or so.

6. Was given uncalled-for crap by my boss the minute I was leaving work, which got me all out of sorts.

7. Neil was snuggled into his nap SO SO SO CUTE when I got home. I can't get over how adorable he is!

8. Wendy picked me up at 7 for Book Club at Amy's, where we pseudo-discussed The Invention of Hugo Cabret (amaaaazing book) and then mostly gossiped and ate. I was pretty good though...one pickled egg, a few olives, a few crackers with Alouette, and only TWO of Amy's gorgeous homemade CC cookies. We had such a delightful time!

9. My Vanilla Mint ACT rinse reminds me of Peppermint Schnapps. In a bad way.

10. Dark purple tutus and matching purple Converse on twin toddler girls = eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! *explode from adorbs*

Trudgey Friday

2011-04-08T07:58:00.002-05:00

1. Burned ?? C

2. oh my GOD I feel sluggish today. I HAVE to get more than 5 hours of sleep every weeknight. It's affecting almost everything...I get nothing done during the week and I let 'my' section of the apartment get to be a cluttered disaster...I don't want to think about food any more than I have to so I turn to quick convenience foods, which for the most part equals fatty/caloric, which in turn makes me feel gross and guilty. I'm thinking about letting that be my goal next week...at least 7 hours or so sleep a night, and burn from 500-1000 cals a day so that's not so much pressure. I've been told time and time again that when you get enough sleep, all other healthy things fall into place a lot easier.

3. Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume, Betsey puffy heart-gold bow-sparkly blue flower necklace, and turquoise with silver filigree large round earrings.

4. The office feels like a coffin today. So interminably stuffy. Which makes desk dancing not so appealing.

5. I really, really hope this isn't the kind of day where I'm annoyed at everyone and everything. So far it ain't looking so good.

6. I'm beginning to enjoy the feel of earrings swinging from my ears. Yesterday I left my jewelry on until after 8 PM!

**commence nutso weekend**

New Sweater Thursday!

2011-04-07T08:51:00.004-05:00

1. Burned 3694 C. But again, not so good on the eating front.

2. Nollie perfume, jade-green burnished gold drop necklace, big apple green earrings from that handmade show, and no bracelet because my New Sweater (striped beige, cream, and navy) is long in the sleeves and quite delicate.

3. I ALMOST finished the Friday NYTX all by myself!! THAT is a definite first--I usually can't get anywhere with it. I'm either getting better or that sh*t was super easy. Only Rex Parker will tell.

4. Switch two letters in Costumer and you get Customer. I BLOW MY OWN MIND!!

5. I recommended my sister's jewelry site to Jasmere.com and they're interested!

6. Walmart after work for prescriptions, Central Dairy lowfat cottage cheese (IT IS NO LONGER LIGHT GREEN. I MAY BURST), generic lemon-lime soda, and too many freezer things (see ITEM 8).

7. Then, home for a few minutes of relaxation, burritos, parts of Seinfeld and Reba, and realizing I don't have enough freezer room.

8. 7:30 - off to Dad's to use his deep freezer for the extra items.

9. DBRL to drop off some horrible books, then to gather Neil from Ellis, who has a HOTT new haircut!! Home to Idol results (glad to see Pia go--she's good, but not entertaining) and a little Tradewinds Odyssey on MSN Games. So much for not playing computer games anymore. :-s

10. I hate my downstairs neighbor.

Low-energy Wednesday

2011-04-06T07:43:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3419 C! I was so sure I didn't get to my goal!

2. I feel sooooooooooooo sluggish this morning. I even contemplated taking the elevator at work--to the SECOND FLOOR. Ouch. I didn't, though, when I saw someone I didn't like also approaching them. I'll avoid an awkward elevator-conversation at any cost.

3. Bath & Body Works Irresistible Apple eau de cologne; twisty copper, gold, & silver bracelet; millefiori necklace; gold earrings reading "Yes" and "No."

4. My brain is also all mushy.

5. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I'm not in a bad mood, just a Nothing mood.

6. Lately I'm always cold when I wake up from my Luncheon Nap.

7. Dear people who have scary-loud/screamy sneezes such as the gentlemen in IT above our area: how does it happen that the people you are living with haven't killed you yet?

8. You know how copper can have a smell? Like the metallic smell of blood? My bracelet is smelling like that. It makes sense, since it's, you know, COPPER...but it's buggin' me.

9. Am I the only one who hates listening to the live version of some song, and the singer makes the audience sing it INSTEAD? Drives me nuts. I ain't here to listen to a bunch of yay-hoos sing "My Immortal," Amy Lee.

10. My elegant, statuesque, eternally immaculately dressed co-worker Anne calls me "Boo." I adore it.

11. The evening was full--I ran two errands, picked Neil [and the box of Sean] up, and we went to Dad's. Then we ran two more errands, got dinner, and watched an ULTRA-enjoyable Idol episode. Scotty BLEW ME AWAY with his Elvissy "C'mon Now Momma"--he is so sassy!! Paul was HILARIOUSly crazy with his "Folsom Prison Blues," and Casey got out the big bass. Loved it loved it!

12. Daddy dug a little grave on the side of the house, where we bury all the pets, and I asked everyone to name their favorite thing about Sean. Dad said he didn't really know a lot about him, Lily said "I"m not really sure which one Sean *was*," I said I loved watching him catch live crickets before he got spoiled and insisted on hand-feeding, and Neil said he liked it whenever Sean was on my shoulder looking at me. It was a gorgeous evening for a funeral. After, we sat on the porch with Dad and his cigar.

13. Not a great day for eating. At all. I'm afraid I've become kinda complacent lately....justifying not eating well because I've gotten good exercise each day. But it has to be a combination of diet and exercise, for me to get moving on weight loss. it just has to be.

Cruddy Tuesday

2011-04-05T09:54:00.006-05:00

1. Burned 3055 calories. Not great, but not bad.

2. Ice on my windshield in the morning always puts me in a bad mood. I was also running 15 minutes late. This, combined with two construction projects on 63 narrowing two lanes to one...a "You Suck" message from A. awaiting me in my work in-box....and, most jarring, news that an online friend hasn't awoken from her C-section last night...have all made for a terrible start to the day.

3. And I'm on Reference. Suckkkkkkkkk.

4. AND I had a very poor weigh-in this morning. I thought I'd done so well, too. :(
Looks like I'm gonna hafta start tracking more carefully.

5. Viva La Juicy perfume; matte silver Chubby Bird Fossil earrings; stretch beaded translucent red, gold, clear, and black beaded bracelet; and a sparkly red and gold beaded necklace from a handmade-jewelry show.

6. Ugh. It's apparently also one of those days where I'm unable to feel full....

7. This is ridiculous. I'm having some Fullbites. Might be a placebo effect, but at this point I'll try anything.

8. Sticker work in front of Tuesday night Office reruns....it's no Gilmore, but it'll do!

9. Feeling lackluster all day, even though Ref work was minimal and my day got much better after the rough start. So my exercise was sub-par, and my eating was the opposite of conscientious.

10. That's depressing. Hal Sparks' Queer as Folk boyfriend was just in an Olive Garden commercial. YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS, BEN BRUCKER!

Monday Monday LA LAAAAA LA LA LAAAAA so good to me

2011-04-04T07:49:00.007-05:00

1. Burned 3462

2. Weirdly, energetically awake after about three hours' sleep last night. I'm going to start taking my Paxil during the day instead of right before bed...I feel like it may have an effect on how tough it is for me to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

3. Wearing socks today after I'd given myself hope that I wouldn't have to for a long time. Booooo.

4. I HAVE TO GO TO THE COBBLER. There are shoe issues.

5. Wearing: Guess by Marciano perfume, and two stretch roughed-up rocky-bead bracelets, one in brick red, one in light-ish turquoise. My shirt has kind of an odd neckline and I didn't like how the millefiori necklace looked with it this morning. And my hair's down so I opted against earrings.

6. I also think I'm ready to try longer necklaces. I haven't found the perfect length yet though.

7. I'm sad to report that in my new quest to incorporate more jewelry in my life, I may be using many less charm bracelets. I love the idea of them, but they're not practical, and I don't think they're flattering either. It's a shame because this girl on Etsy sells little polymer clay reproductions of each Anne of Green Gables book on a charm bracelet, and I am DYING for it. (Eek! : http://www.etsy.com/listing/61247878/anne-of-green-gables-lm-montgomery-books ... Harry POTTERS?? http://www.etsy.com/listing/60535314/h-p-books-charm-bracelet-teenadult-size ... LITTLE HOUSE?? http://www.etsy.com/listing/61730081/little-house-on-the-prairie-books-charm ... THE FREAKING BABYSITTER'S CLUB?????!!!!! http://www.etsy.com/listing/65933022/bbsitters-club-books-charm-bracelet-with ... AUGHHHHHH!)
I think I should learn more about jewelry making because I just can't HANDLE a life without charms on things.

8. I don't think I have ever heard of a better name than Peverill Squire. He's a political scientist at MU and he looks exactly as his name implies he should.

9. MOBIUS conference registration opened up today. And, as usual: EH. And it's at the CoMO Executive Center. SO good-old-boy trashy.

10. Forgot to weigh in this morning. But my favorite work-pants fit me better than the last time I wore them (about two weeks ago), so I'm hopeful there's a difference.

11. Oh, awesome. Just got a message from A. (the reason for my high blood pressure) demanding that I was in the wrong for yesterday's conflict--just as I knew she'd spin it.

Eighty-degree Sunday!

2011-04-03T14:16:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3382....ALLLLmost. Better than most weekends, though!

2. I'm *seething* after having had to publicly defend my religious preferences on FB. (OK, I wasn't forced, but a friend who should have known better posted on my wall. It was followed by other religious-minded peoples' comments, and I got pissed.) Why, why, WHY can't people respect I have the right to believe what I choose, without their intervention??

3. [hours later...] I'm having trouble letting this go. I got a half-assed "didn't mean to offend" response, and I'm shaking mad right now. I have been for most of the day. I would never in a million years tell my religious friends my feelings about their beliefs, or try to steer them in another direction. And of course, she's now twisted it around to make it look like I'm the one out of line. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

4. At least the Cards won today.

5. Windy and 83 degrees outside tonight....feels like a fantastic summer night.

6. I took my baby to work tonight, then drove to Wal-M to get provisions for the week. I took both to and from routes through campus/downtown, and it was so great to see the streets alive, on a Sunday night, with students out for a stroll...flip flops and cups of frozen yogurt, just back from Spring Break to be welcomed by this glorious weather. I don't often wish I were back in school, but I was nostalgic for those times.

7. Okay, I deleted the string of posts. And I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted.

8. I played Plants vs. Zombies this weekend! Not really sure what all the fuss is about, except it's kind of funny.

9. Suddenly stormy outside at 11:30 Sunday night. The frogs outside are going crazy.

10. Thinking of coupon-clipping again, but I can't let my anal side gain too much control or I'll be obsessed over it.

SPRINGY Saturday!

2011-04-02T15:00:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 2806 calories...a very lazy day I tried to reverse in the last couple hours.

2. GORGEOUS today!! Neil got up early, then came in later to open the windows...what a lovely, albeit late, start to spring!

3. I slept for the first half of the night, quite by accident, on Neil's impossibly comfortable La-Z-Boy. I couldn't believe it when I woke up and saw that it was 4:47 AM!

4. Sad day for our pet bearded dragon Sean. He's been very listless and odd lately, and this morning Neil confirmed that he had left us. So we're petless, for the time being.

5. Is it shallow and bitchy of me to be hurt/offended when I give someone a gift and they don't return the action at the next major holiday, for me? I LOVE giving presents, and of course this doesn't include children or weddings or showers in general, but I feel like my effort is not appreciated when the favor isn't returned. I don't know....that makes me sound so selfish. It's totally complicated.

6. We tried Tasti D Lite after dinner....that's a big MEH. What's the fuss about?

7. We also tried "Love and Other Drugs." Fail, fail, FAIL. We wanted a sexy romantic comedy, not a movie about Parkinson's. Thanks anyway, Netflix.

8. I envy Charlotte's hair so hardcore. I keep trying to be boho-chic with layers and waves, but when it comes down to it, I want an all-one-length shiny bouncy ponytail that looks equally at home in a pastel sweater set with plaid knee-length skirt and a Ralph Lauren t-shirt with jeans.

9. I had hoped to be more productive today, but we were in a snuggly tickly mood and nothing much got done. I'll take it. :)

10. They are doing a musical of Catch Me If You Can? I am srsly not a fan of the movie-to-musical thang.

Chipperish Friday

2011-04-01T10:31:00.004-05:00

1. Burned 3615 cals! Gettin' easier and easier...

2. Gucci Gucci perfume; Betsey big navy/white anchor necklace; Betsey blue sparkly flower drop earrings (ooh, on copper wire! cute!); bright enameled flower stretch bracelet with a silver and bright beady butterfly stretch bracelet.

3. The Waterlilies triptych is coming to Nelson-Atkins in like a WEEK! I am so thrilled to be able to see it again! When it was touring 30 years ago, we went and I apparently kept calling a woman in a wheelchair "HORSEY!"

4. Weekend plans: Sticker sorting; first Aldi trip ever; DBRL run; Guitar Hero with my best guy; storage unit trip.

5. I'm breaking some office rule by desk-dancing in a sleeveless shell. Don't tell a soul!

6. DBRL after work, then Gerbes to grab a cheap dinner and Michael's for a thick piece of foam board. (The display gave me shudders remembering junior-hi science fair projects...)

7. I'm too boring for ten items today. :)

Guilty Pleasure Thursday

2011-03-31T09:53:00.004-05:00

1. Burned 3425. Woo!

2. Gerbes run before SEVEN this morning, where the regular lanes were closed and two checkers were standing bored by the self-check machines that were totally full. That's customer service, people.

3. I love big, thick pens. PENS. Stop being dirty.

4. Perfume: Chanel Chance. Glass bead stretch bracelet with red cardinals painted on each bead; baseball-themed charms hang between each bead (catcher's mask, enamel cardinal, white bead that's a baseball; bat; batting helmet; StL Cards logo; catcher's leg shields and chest guard). Silver necklace with a flip-flop pendant that says "I [heart] [baseball]"; stained glass heart earrings. Hair was down but it's driving me crazy so it's in a low pony.

5. Everything fell out of my awesome purse two weekends ago and I've been too lazy to reinstate the inside. So I dread having to find anything in there. It's all a total mess.

6. Google Translate KILLS me. I looked at a Serbian scrapbooking studio blog post and translated it to English, and it has such choice phrases as:

"And there waiting for me a great task for which the Crochet hooks graciously offered to help me, and that is to determine which yarn for what it is used."

"Even me and husband happy speakers for 'lop top' as we call it for kicks, so we now have solid state sound, which we endlessly go on my nerves, so I'll be in real music that I enjoy."

7. I've never been so happy to pay my bills as this morning!

8. After work: home to a yummy meal and the tail-end of the Cardinals game. We lost, but I am SO happy that it's baseball season!!

9. Neil used this carpet refresher powder stuff when he Dysoned the apartment, so now it smells like a scrapbook store. I love love love it!

10. I was asleep by about 10:30! progress!

11. P.S....Guilty Pleasure refers to the ganachey cake I had at work for Lois' retirement party, and then the Jersey Shore reunion on MTV.

It's-Only-Wednesday? Wednesday

2011-03-30T07:18:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3455 today! I am determined to burn 1000+ every day this week...

2. Hard Candy perfume; gold "G" and pearl necklace from Lily; burnished dark gold stretch bracelet with dark yellow rhinestones; tiny copper earrings in the shape of Coke bottles, from Mom. I HATE this perfume. That's the last time I buy perfume from TJMaxx because I like the bottle. It has a baby-powder overtone and I HATE that smell, on anything but babies. It's being trashed as soon as I get home. (OK let's be honest...as soon as I remember, which could mean 2012.)

3. At work by 7:00 this morning. Wowie. I do love this quiet, though...and it's less creepy than staying late knowing that I'm the only one left.

4. I love so much about my tab, but the touchscreen space bar is barely bigger than the other letters.

5. It excites me so much when Pandora kicks it off with three songs in a row I LOVE!

6. I feel like an incredible scrapbook page can be completely ruined by idiotic or misspelled journaling.

7. Don't people realize that when they whisper, it just MAKES other people listen harder to their conversation?

8. 9:41 PM. So, so tired. Bedtime by 10:30 tonight?

9. Idol - my favorites were pretty sick. Whitest-Smile-Ever-Paul was quirky and fabulous; Seth-Rogen-I-Mean-Casey was mellow and beautiful, and Angel-Jacob was out of control. He never sings songs I like, but he makes every song incredible anyway.

10. I used the iNeed massager after work and it was AWESOME. I'm unna do that every day my neck is sore.

Gray/Reference Tuesday

2011-03-29T07:59:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3510 calories; yay!

2. Wearing Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume and a trifecta of jewelry from Handmade in Sherman Oaks (best store EVER, see?? http://www.handmadegalleriesla.com/)...a midnight blue stone-bead bracelet with a glittery sheen, so it looks like stars (and some kind of animal bead I can't identify); big wire heart earrings studded with multicolor beads; and a simple circle epoxy necklace, reading "easily distracted," on a string. I'm also wearing my hair completely down. It's all kinda crazy.

3. Made it in early to work, so I'll make up the final bit of my Blizzard Hours by the end of this month.

4. Boss is out today: Good. ANOTHER meeting this afternoon: Blergh.

5. Tuesday used to be my favorite day of the week...I can't imagine loving another show with quite the passion that I do those Gilmores. Golden Girls is more like comfort food.

6. I waited through SEVEN PEOPLE to get privacy in the bathroom at work this morning. HAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

7. I often have hiccups upon awaking.

8. Had several ref questions and the aforementioned meeting today, so I couldn't get lost in cataloging like I wanted to.

9. It is now 10:46 PM; I want to be settled into bed by 11. (Update: DONE)

10. Colors I dislike together: purple and brown (lavender and brown is O.K.); purple and red; khaki and red (because they'll think you work at Target); pale pink (or peach) and red.
ALSO, I dislike in general: light red, berry, purple with more red than blue in it, forest green, tan, taupe, pinky-orange (i.e. coral), medium and cornflower blue, bright yellow, dark cream, light/pale blue, turquoise with more green than blue in it.
[NOTE: we were looking at 500 hex colors today. probably has something to do with this item.]

I miss Spring Break Mondays.

2011-03-28T10:12:00.004-05:00

1. Burned 3497 cals! Love it when I meet my goals!

2. Good start to the day; I have a good amount of energy despite five hours' worth of sleep, and am actually in a fairly positive mood.

3. Mike Posner is kind of a stupid name for a "pop star."

4. Wearing Christian Audigier perfume, gold sparkly web-like earrings, and a pale green polished-roughish rock bracelet. I've decided I want more bold necklaces, and longer ones.

5. Whenever I get a message in gmail from DBRL, it says it's from "Daniel Boo." LOVE IT.

6. Being an organization/craft junkie, I'm surprised I don't like Martha Stewart more. I sometimes like her scrapbooking line, and I've tried to watch her show, but something about her rubs me the wrong way.

7. Lost a half pound this week. BIG OLE MEH.

8. HOLY CRAP. Found out my good friend Ali had a FREAKING BABY over the weekend!! Total shock, to her and everyone!!

9. I've been flabbergasted all day about this revelation, but now other, messy feelings are coming into play; hurt and anger and disappointment. I hate that my initial happy-shocked feeling is almost completely gone.

10. Intended to go to bed at 11 at the latest, but that did not happen. I was falling asleep at 9:15, so I told Neil I wanted to wind down, but it was like that very statement gave me a delayed second wind. Oh well. At least I'm almost completely done with my letter stickers...!

Taxing Sunday

2011-03-27T23:45:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 2540.

2. Dressed for comfort today! Loungey pants all the freaking way.

3. The weekend has been a little less productive than I planned, but that's pretty much always the case. And the ridiculous snowstorm on Saturday threw everyone off.

4. Stopped by DBRL to pick up some holds, and chatted with my old co-worker Pam while there. She is the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.

5. THEN, went to Dad's for some tax-doing. I don't hate it, I just dread it....but being in iffy financial straits, I was anxious to see what might be coming our way. Thankfully, the result may make seeing some friends in the near future more possible than I had thought. (I'm a-comin', Shanners! And Linz, I'm determined to set some aside for a November Disney trip...)

6. Brought home sandwiches for me and the hubs, and we watched some Big Bang Theory until I feel asleep straight through the third episode. I really like that show, honest!

7. TWO Sunday New York Times Crosswords! I couldn't finish either one on my own, but it sure is fun trying.

8. I'm pushing my bedtime again. GRRRR.

9. I save my Margarita-scented shower gel for the weekends. It is phenomenal. I love that you can even smell the salt.

10. SPEAKING of salt, who will help me invent a margarita glass whose rim automatically re-salts when it's gone? I'm only halfway through my drink by the time all my salt is gone.

11. Goals for this week: copy and mail off taxes; finishing details on letter stickers; finish 50s Ad Book.

Snowstorm Saturday.

2011-03-26T15:18:00.004-05:00

1. Burned 2507 calories. OUCH. No concerted effort to exercise, but kept busy doing housework.

2. Slept in til 11:15, then a fantastic lunch with Morgan Inez at Addison's. I'm normally not a -Tini drinker, but I've learned that Black Cherry rum has the ability to make everything awesome.

3. Huge snowy stupid snowstorm right now. I'll be staying in the rest of the day, despite plans to stop at DBRL.

4. BUT, the cardinals are coming to our feeders in droves. I LOVE them! Especially when there's a spring training Cards game on in the background.

5. We completely changed Sean's cage last weekend, and he is acting so weird. Every day, he moves a tiny bit at a time--but always appears to be sleeping. So I'll look over and he's halfway through his half-pipe log and flattened like he's napping....then, fifteen minutes later, he's all the way through and still sleeping. I don't even get it.

6. I always get so excited when I remember it's time for the Sunday NYTX to be up online. (Saturdays at 5 PM.) I guess that's a testament to how NOT often I have Saturday night plans!

7. Took a huge nap today too, 2.5 hours...probably my body catching up with the sleep-beating I've given it this week. Made my Saturday a little less productive, but I still got a couple hours' worth of sticker-sorting done.

8. This was too boring a day to come up with ten items. :)

Wet, Snowy Friday: yuck

2011-03-25T10:00:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3158 cals. Not bad for a low-energy day.

2. Marc Jacobs "Daisy" perfume; Betsey Johnson bracelet with diner charms (pickle, salt and pepper holder, hot dog, fork, "Open 24 Hours" sign, tip jar, piece of pie); altered Scrabble pendant necklace of a Queen Anne chair; iridescent blue/black Owen Glass earrings from Poppy that they don't sell anymore (bummer).

3. I feel like today will be very long, and very useless, if I don't get moving on work. So hard to be motivated on a Friday...[update: it has indeed been very, very long. And very boring. And completely unproductive. Sighhh.]

4. I HAVE to get more sleep next week. I'm so pooped right now. I'm not up for exercise and have burned less than half so far of what I had burned yesterday by this time. I slept hard during lunch today, but woke up more tired than ever.

5. It is gross and gray and rainy and chilly outside. It matches my inertia/blahs.

6. I wasn't even hungry for lunch, but I ate it anyway. I'm sure, though, that if I hadn't I would have been starved when stopping by Gerbes after work--and going grocery shopping while hungry is always a disaster.

7. Weekend goals: complete taxes; DBRL run; Jersey Shore; start eBaying. Possible run to storage unit and complete stickers.

8. Inside Date Night with Neil; made frozen pizza and watched Jersey Shore. Then he went to bed and I continued my Stickers Project, accompanied by the always-reliable Golden Girls.

9. At what point does a hole in your sock constitute a relegation to the trash?

10. I haven't been drinking all 8 glasses of water lately. It's generally not hard for me to do that; I just need to drink more.

Chilly Thursday

2011-03-24T08:16:00.003-05:00

1. Burned 3622 calories today! Go, me!

2. DKNY So Delicious Spring Blossom perfume, ABC large sparkly round necklace, cute beaded earrings made to look like pencils, and Lily Dawson Designs multi-strand bracelet in brown.

3. I'm completely intrigued by people doing a "no-spending" month, and we are gonna try it, officially, for the month of April. I'm excited! I've Never been good with money, and I am looking forward to challenging myself this way.

4. I tried fresh pineapple last night. It was just okay. Too juicy and sweet; weird texture. I think I've only ever had canned.

5. Worked on stickers (Pink, Off-white, Purple) until 8, when I went to pick up Neil at Ellis.

6. Idol was NUTS. Stevie Wonder was brought in for Steven Tyler's birthday, Hulk Hogan showed up and James the screamer had a heart attack, and THEN Casey had the least amount of votes and the judges stopped him in the middle of his song and said "This is crazy wrong" and saved him. Casey turned pale and shaky and possibly near death. And I just read that he has received two blood transfusions already this season.

7. Baby carrots smell like vodka.

8. I started listening to The Carrie Diaries on audiobook, and so far I'm not sure what to think. Despite loving the TV show, I didn't like Bushnell's Sex and the City book...but since Diaries was in the YA section, I hoped it would be different. I'll give it a couple CDs before deciding if I want to give up. And I really hope she meets at least ONE of the SATC girls before the end!

9. I tumbled a newspaper-print fingernail polish idea from Epbot, and it got totally famous!

10. Neil showed me this astoundingly so-bad-it's-awesome video on youtube, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Except that I think when I was thirteen, we liked songs that weren't much better. Tommy Page, anyone?

Wednesday So Tired

2011-03-23T06:42:00.005-05:00

1. Burned 3171 calories today! I want to get to the point of burning 3400 a day, so this is good progress.

2. Gap's Stay perfume, deep purple flower Betsey earrings (I LOVE HER SO HARD), silver and glass Lucky necklace, silver beaded stretch bracelet from ABC. And socks I got from a London gift shop that say THE JOY OF SOX on them. (Also, unfortunately, wedgie-prone underwear.)

3. I'm trying to wear my hair down more often. On days when I wash it, I always keep it down for as long as I can stand it. I know how unflattering a ponytail is on me.

4. While I appreciate that many shirts are adopting the 'tagless' thing, the tag most of them install on the side-hem instead COMPLETELY ruins that pleasure. It scratches at me all day in a really weird place, and I can't even remove it--as I used to be able to with the neck-band tag--because it's sewn into the same stitch as the seam and if you take it off all the way there's a hole in the shirt.

5. I used to like meetings, or at least not mind them. But we have so many that I just roll my eyes when we have one. This and last week, we had a meeting almost every day. I'm looking forward to losing myself in Pandora and cataloging today.

6. Pie is a yummy-sounding word, but I still can't stand most of them. No cooked fruit, pleez.

7. While I appreciate the beauty and [sometimes] smell of flowers, I think they are a complete waste of money. I'd rather have a gift card to Archivers. :) Plus, they're just going to die and get worse and worse from the second you receive them! No thank you.

8. I wish I could multi-task in the shower. I think I wouldn't hate them so much if I could do something else in there. I used a fancy mint shower gel this morning that awakens pores like nobody's bidness.

9. WHY WHY WHY are Ugg boots still being worn? They look so sweaty, and are so hideous. Can't this be finished, please?

10. Man, I am craaaaaaaving sweet things today. I need to stay satiated or I'll fall off the wagon HARD.

11. I want to work at DBRL again, but I don't think they'll hire me. I hope they give me another chance if a position opens up.

12. I like several of the contestants on Idol this year, but I'm not excited about the show anymore. It's a huge commitment, and I have so many other things to do with my time. That's not to say Neil and I won't watch an episode here and there...it's just not really a priority as it has been in years past. We caught the last half hour tonight, with blinding-white-smiley Paul, James the screamer, and weirdo Naima. I bet she's gone on Thursday.

13. I don't have a strong desire for a die-cutting machine, but if I ever do get one, I'd choose a Silhouette. No cartridges needed, baby.

14. I LOVE watching scrapbooking segments on HSN and DVR them if I can't catch them live. Also: digital scrapbooking is complete bullcrap.

15. Few things are less humorous than when people put word bubbles on photos and have the person say something that is never ever funny.

16. I know that the vast majority of scrapbookers have children, and naturally, their crafting is going to center largely on their kids. I just wish there were some scrappers I could get inspiration from that aren't always focusing on kids' stuff, because I can't really use that.

17. My hairdresser friended me on Facebook, which is cool--except her grammar and spelling are a disaster--I never knew this before. It's kind of making me not want to get my hair done with her anymore. Is that petty of me?

18. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal out of bacon. It is too salty and fatty and chewy and burned. Good on Dad's BLTs, though.

19. Had a delicious brisket supper at Dad's, with Gilbert's MEAN margaritas and a game of spades, which my team lost. My favorite partner is Gil, and Lil's favorite partner is Dad, so except for the losing part, it was a good time.

Tuesday Things

2011-03-22T12:49:00.006-05:00

1. Burned 3064 calories, doing nothing but keeping busy. I'm okay with that. Eating went well all day, until late night when it all fell apart. :/

2. Eddie Bauer's Alpine Bell perfume today, PLUS dangly tiny-heart earrings, gender-neutral-ish Fossil bracelet, and a Betsey heart necklace Lily talked me into. I AM DOPE.

3. Really ugly morning. Felt left out of an impromptu meeting and took it out on a sweet friend.

4. Gray and warm....lovely outside....

5. Went to DBRL after work, then to Dad's for barbecued hamburgers on the back deck and a lovely sunset.

6. For once, I filled my car up with gas on the way home, so I won't have to do it tomorrow morning when I'll inevitably be running late!

7. I'm not currently reading a book actively, and I miss it. I'll probably continue with the great Kindle one I'm in the middle of (The Shadow of the Wind) today.

8. About five hours of sleep. I was on such a roll organizing letter stickers (finished: Blue, White, Red, Orange) and watched the rest of The Bachelor until the wee hours. So satisfying. But I know I can't keep doing this staying-up thing.

9. Got away with a nap under my desk at lunch, and slept surprisingly well....probably because it's kinda cozy under there as opposed to the curtained-off workout area in the warehouse/document storage area I usually rest in.

10. Played Spades with Dad, Lil, & Gil for an hour and we got virtually nowhere. It's always fun, but none of us were on our game and we kept forgetting when partners went nil and getting bags out the wazoo.

10-20 things

2011-03-22T08:09:00.003-05:00

Those '100 things' were a lot of fun, and catered to my random tendencies and flighty thought processes. So I think I'll combine my 'health/weight loss' update with daily lists about my day, maybe 10-20 items. I've never been able to keep a journal with regularity, so who knows if I'll truly make it Daily...but I like the idea much better than a paragraph-y entry.

Monday, March 21

1. Burned 3071 calories. Not Super Wonderful, but not too shabby. Down a pound this morning from last week.

2. Completed sorting my Brown and Green letter stickers into binders [scrapbooking] while catching up on The Bachelor. Ashley H. didn't annoy me as much as she had in the past. (I know who wins, so I'm only really watching for the drama.)

3. Even though I was DOG-tired, I still didn't get to bed until after midnight, then up this morning at 6:30. Ugh.

4. I don't generally like new music, so discovering something I *do* like upon a first listen is pretty incredible. Last night it was "The Golden Age" by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, and I heard Bruno Mars' "The Lazy Song" once on the morning commute and once on the evening commute. Loved it!

5. I played way too much Bubble Blast on my Tab. Can't decide if that's a super huge waste of my time, or a good relaxing go-to.

6. Decent day at work. Told our German intern/practicum student about cataloging, and she knew quite a bit already.

7. Wendy's Value Menu for dinner. Not the healthiest, but I was a zombie after work, so when Neil suggested he go get dinner, I was all about it.

8. Gorgeous day outside...of course, I didn't get to enjoy much of it. I wish JC weren't so hilly. Or trashy.

9. I ended an unpleasant friendship, and I have no regrets.

10. I wasn't as sad as I thought I'd be, but I think that goes along with my whole 'anticipation is always better/worse' philosophy.

Part 5 of 5!

2011-03-21T15:55:00.003-05:00

81. My hair looks fabulous today.

82. I'm going to try and wear perfume every day this week. Today's is Juicy.

83. I don't know how to put on makeup or do hair. Or coordinate colors.

84. Unscented lotion is disgusting and disappointing.

85. Please don't ever play me music from someone who died young. I will never think of anything but their early death when I hear their songs, and it will make me really sad.

86. Know what else is disappointing? Gooey Butter Cookies from Schnucks. Sounds amazing, right? WRONG-O.

87. I have a shy cervix. So I'm told.

88. I sometimes think I bullshat my way through college.

89. I still get an electric thrill every time I see Rent. I hope it never stops.

90. My favorite Pandora stations are Cascada, Britney Spears, and Adam Lambert--all for desk-dancing purposes.

91. I pretend I recycle so people don't think I'm a bad person.

92. I had only ever heard Tia Carrere's "Ballroom Blitz" ("Wayne's World," party time, excellent), so it was simply a delight to hear Sweet's version on 105.5 Classic Rock this morning. Hilariously manic. Reminded me of Rocky Horror.

93. I asked maintenance to disable six sets of fluorescent lights above my cubicle so I wouldn't have to wear my sunglasses so much. Now my cube is lit by nearby fluorescents, a string of LED Christmas lights, and an Ott light in a lamp that I always forget to turn on. And I have indirect fluorescents under each of my two cabinets in case I need more.

94. I have thirteen 2011 calendars on display in my cube.

95. I'm on Reference duty today (3/22) and I hate it. Even if I don't get any questions. I hate knowing that at any moment, my flow could be interrupted by a high-maintenance, volatile, or annoying patron. While it wouldn't be a deal-breaker, my next job will Strongly Preferably be one with no reference involvement.

96. I want a golf cart when I am old.

97. I am stopping biting the skin around my fingernails right NOW.

98. I am so disheartened by Victoria Jackson. I can't believe I used to like her.

99. There's a reason I don't talk about politics. It's always unpleasant. But I had a great chat with Dad last week about mind-sets of Repubs vs. Dems, and I finally understand now...it's the Individual Good versus the Greater Good. I'm not saying either philosophy is wrong, but how are we as a nation EVER to come together with such opposing viewpoints? It's night and freaking day!
Whatever, I'm moving to Prince Edward Island to be surrounded by Anne Shirley.

100. With my pickiness, I'm surprised I was never grossed out by runny fried eggs. Maybe because Dad always knew exactly how to cook them so all of the whites were cooked. Runny whites are DISGUSTING! Like snot.

Part 4 of 5!

2011-03-21T08:07:00.007-05:00

61. I've been eating protein-y breakfasts lately, and I think it's the only kind that truly makes me Not Hungry until lunch.

62. My cottage cheese has gotta be room temperature. Other cheeses, I'm not so picky.

63. Also best at room temp: Shakespeare's pizza. But eating it hot is good, too.

64. I love hard salami, but not cotto salami.

65. I'm not hungry right now (see: #61), so why am I talking about food so much?
Something non-foody: my dad is in a theatre group with several other 60-ish year-old men. It is the cutest thing ever.

66. It was an almost-full moon last night when I got so sad, which was absolutely perfect.

67. I was a new guest in someone's parents' house once, and they had no toilet paper--only baby wipes. THE WORST.

68. I got three hours of sleep last night, but strangely have a lot of energy right now. I'm debating taking a yoga-mat nap at the moment, or ride out the energy til I crash. I think by taking a nap, it will spur on the non-energy.

69. I like PostSecret, but a senior my freshman year of college thought of it first, and made the secrets into an unforgettable exhibition.

70. I love that I'm wearing flip-flops today, but I couldn't nap because my feet were cold. I can't feel exposed or sleep is impossible. My dad is the same way.

71. Jiggling legs consistently is a good calorie-burner for me.

72. Miniature things kill me. Especially in jewelry form.

73. Mom used to make me temporary dolls out of her nightgowns when I was having trouble sleeping. They smelled just like her.

74. I love the feminine look of the numbers 7 and 9; always have.

75. Paths of numbers and yearly calendars have very specific shapes in my head.

76. I LOVE buttermilk but hardly ever buy it.

77. I love that water is now my preferred beverage.

78. My mind has a very detailed, entirely fictionalized-by-me location it goes to whenever I hear "Scarborough Fair." It's based on a background illustration in the book Outside Over There.

79. While I enjoy going to museums with people, I always like museums alone the best.

80. The only part of my visit to Paris I thoroughly loved was my self-lead walking tour of a cemetery.

Part 3 of 5!

2011-03-20T20:23:00.003-05:00

41. I miss Pensacola, Right Now. It's an 80-degree day in March, and I'd like to wake up tomorrow and get my little short beach chair, a book, and flip-flops, and relax on that soft white sand alllllll dayyyyyy before going out to dinner with people I love best, and then back to the hotel for NCAA basketball and cards.

42. I don't hate Sunday nights as much as I used to, but they still suck.

43. I am on the verge of putting a bunch of stuff on eBay, and I'm dreading the stress of 'customer service.'

44. On the television now: our DVRed broadcast of College GameDay (Kirk Herbstreit, YUM) from October 23. It's good to see Columbia so green and spirited.

45. I can't even play video game golf. UGH. I hate sports where you have to have a gentle touch.

46. I think Ellen was the best Oscars host ever.

47. Baseboard dirt bothers me. But I always forget about cleaning it.

48. I judge people based on their scrapbook pages.

49. My boss, who used to be my biggest fan, isn't liking me these days. It sucks.

50. I adore my sister's boyfriend. He's gonna be an awesome brother-in-law.

51. I'm not sure what I'd do if I saw a stranger with a Grinnell shirt on. I hope I'd talk to them.

52. I can't decide if I would absolutely hate or love a cruise.

53. If I see Simon and Garfunkel and George Michael in concert, I will have completed my "Must See" collection. I've worked follow spot for Garfunkel, but that's like eating whey without the curds, amirite?

54. Speaking of collections, I collect Celebrity Touches. I don't have too many, because mostly I have to do it subtlely, and I'm shy. So I wasn't gonna attack Boy George with a hug or anything.

55. I work with two ladies who are kind of prudish and easily shocked, and me and my other two librarian colleagues entertain ourselves by suddenly saying dirty things in front of them. They ALWAYS turn red!

56. While I would PLOTZ if Neil and I moved somewhere nearer to an Archiver's and an IKEA, I know it would be dangerous financially. :)

57. I don't do jigsaw puzzles much anymore, but I miss them. Preferably neatly arranged groups of like/themed objects together on a neutral background. No photographic/realistic landscapes (animated is okay), no KITTENS, generally no flowers, no big hunk of solid-colored impossibility. Just a relaxing, 500 or 750 piece work of jigsaw perfection.

58. Speaking of animation...I pretty much dislike all animation meant for adult consumption. So, so, so stupid. I think Family Guy is the only show with any smarts, but that's probably because they do musicals all the time (and I don't watch it much, either). Simpsons is idiotic, and South Park is only good when they're skewering religion or during a Christmas special. And good lord don't get me started on King of the Hill.

59. It pisses me off that white-trash, down-home humor is becoming mainstream. And that NASCAR gets as much coverage on ESPN as March Madness these days. Acting dumb is never funny, and driving an effing car isn't athletic.

60. I'm all riled up now! Let's finish with something I like.
Pulling the curlies at the nape and sides of my neck, like I'm doing right this minute. It's comforting, slightly painful, and utterly satisfying. I can't believe there was a time when I had a tender head.

Part 2 of 5!

2011-03-20T18:02:00.004-05:00

Those first twenty were kind of easy, but I had to step away and come back for the last few. I bet it's just gonna get tougher.

21. I really, really don't like movies that make me cry, when I feel like they're manipulating me to do so....when I feel the movie isn't worth my crying energy. So I don't mind crying at "Brokeback Mountain," because I think it's incredible. But when freaking "STEPMOM" makes me cry, I turn that damned thing off.

22. There's not a lot in life that's better than reading a book where you can't even turn the pages fast enough. Regardless of whether it's critically acclaimed...being engrossed in a novel like that is an incredible feeling.

23. I don't wear underwire.

24. I can't wear a nightgown with any sort of button, snap, zip, or other closure. Or anything that's more than one piece.

25. I wash my hair every other day, generally with a combo shampoo/conditioner unless my hair's colored. Yes, I know everyone says the combos are bad for your hair, but I don't put Anything Else on my head ever, so I figure it's an okay trade-off.

26. I can't believe anyone would prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate. It's a poor substitute. (And don't even get me STARTED on white chocolate. It sullies the NAME of chocolate.) Also, I like Hershey's best and I don't care who knows it!

27. My favorite cereal is Blueberry Muffin Tops. And Cracklin' Oat Bran.

28. I hold grudges for far, far, far too long. If you're reading this, I've probably unfairly held a grudge against you for something completely stupid. And I apologize. :)

29. No frozen pizza has ever tasted as good as the Red Baron slices sold for far too much money at the old Plaza Lanes skating rink snack bar when I was a young thing. Though Freschetta and Totino's come close.

30. I could never skate backwards though.

31. If I ever get the opportunity to live in or around NYC, I hope I never take it for granted.

32. I hate bowling, largely because I don't want a crowd of people looking at my butt in motion.

33. I'm tempted to do Couch to 5K. I want to see if I can.

34. I miss the Dancing units in gym class, despite the boys' sweaty hands and sometimes getting paired with someone I dislike.

35. In summer gym, we were often paired up and told to hold the person's feet while they did sit-ups. I got paired with a crush, and during one of his sit-ups he farted in my face. He felt terrible and apologized profusely, but the damage was done. I could never again look at him with anything but disgust. (Please note: if you ever fart in front of me, I won't be disgusted. This was just my 15-yr-old self.)

36. I wish I didn't get so jealous of everything.

37. I've just gotten rid of a bunch of books--either through selling or donating. It feels incredible to be finally getting control of them.

38. One of my favorite parts of nice weather is sitting on the front porch with Dad and any sundry kids at home, after dinner, while the boys enjoy a cigar.

39. Dick Cavett once smiled bemusedly at me.

40. I want to see "Twilight," finally. I resisted for a long time because I didn't want my experience with the book to be lessened, but now that it's all so ridiculous, everything is tainted anyway. I think it's all calming down a bit, and I can probably find it for free on one of our on-demand channels.

This is so stream-of-consciousness...one subject triggers another memory or fact in that same subject, and since I have 100 to do, I don't really 'cut' many.

ONE HUNDRED! - part 1 of 5.

2011-03-20T17:26:00.004-05:00

#100FactsAboutMe is trending on Twitter right now, and that made me think....could I even think of 100 facts about myself? Like....Interesting Facts?

Let's see. I'll do twenty at a time so it's not so imposing.

1. I used to bite my nails incessantly, and I'm mostly over that habit.

2. I only really like basketball when it's being played by the MU Tigers.

3. As much as I say I hate the sun, I'm liking it more every year.

4. I have a cross-stitch pattern of the Golden Girls I bought on Etsy months ago, that I'm dying to get started on.

5. I have a tumblr! It's mostly useless, but I like it. (http://grinnellian99.tumblr.com/)

6. I have a serious addiction to, and insane backlog of, magazines. These include (but are not limited to) Shape, Prevention, Real Simple, Creating Keepsakes, Entertainment Weekly, OK!, Reader's Digest, Time, Grinnell Magazine, Midwest Traveler, Woman's Day, All You, Good Housekeeping, and even older ones like Jane and Budget Living. I've slowwwwly beginning to let go of some, but it's hard when I find good stuff in EVERY ONE I READ!

7. I can't get a tattoo tomorrow on the 5-year anniversary of mama's death. I'm sad, but also relieved that I won't have to go through it just yet. It may be more appropriate anyway to get it on Mother's Day or New Year's Day.

8. I play old video games, like Civ2 and Heroes of Might and Magic, when the rare urge hits.

9. I am an organization junkie. And a convenience-gadget junkie. Most of the time when I get in the mood for a household purge session, I get rid of a lot of convenience gadgets. It's a cycle.

10. I am dying to find a good calendar for my Galaxy Tab, but haven't found one that has everything I want: a daily, weekly, monthly, and separate to-do lists.

11. I never wanted an e-reader, but I use the Kindle app on my Tab incessantly.

12. Our DVR is constantly at 95-99% full....because of me. I'm fascinated/motivated by weight-loss shows like Biggest Loser and Too Fat for 15 and Ruby and Dance Your Ass Off.

13. I think I might like people more than I like to think I do.

14. Up until recently, I would count all syllables in groups of five, making a five-point star with my fingers to count. It was mostly when I read, but also when people spoke. It was a major distraction. But I can count syllables like nobody's BUSINESS on that one Brain Age activity where they have you count syllables fast.

15. I love it when men can act silly.

16. I miss working on theatre hard-core. I miss Jesse. I miss American Folklore Theatre. I miss MRTC and CEC and Maplewood. But I don't think it's worth trying to get back into it.

17. I apply lip balm and lotion all day. I used to put in eye drops all day, too, but I've switched to glasses lately. When I was in Florida last month, I hardly applied any moisturizing aid at all. (MISS YOU LINZ.)

18. I want a good back scratcher for Home (I have one at work). But when you really need a back scratcher, they are really, really hard to find. REALLY HARD.

19. I hate Christian fiction, but adore cozy fiction. I wish there was a good cozy series (not mystery) that wasn't Christian or otherwise religiously affiliated.

20. Alanis Morissette's voice makes me depressed.

Bright-eyed; bushy-tailed

2011-03-17T08:11:00.003-05:00

WOW! Eight hours of sleep! DAMN, I feel good today.

My doctor once told me to prioritize sleep over other healthful activities (like working out) because enough sleep is the key to everything. And of course, she's right...if I get five hours of sleep each weeknight (my average these days), I don't feel like doing *anything* the next day--including making an effort to put together healthy meals, which are, naturally, way more steps than popping a frozen pizza into the oven.

The problem is, I have severe night-owl tendencies, and I push and push that bedtime later every night...and I think, this week, it just all caught up to me. I'm sure I was genuinely a little ill, but I know part of that was my body telling me it needed to Rest.
__________

So, not a bad day, not a great day. My boss has really been getting touchy lately, and while it may be my imagination, much of it seems to be directed at yours truly. And added stress is so no good for keeping to a routine. Just another trigger...if I'm not happy in other areas of my life, I'll GET happy by eating good (read: BAD) stuff. I only really had one indulgence yesterday, but I can see that being a slippery slope for me.

I'm also making a lot of time for reading lately. In the last ten years or so, my reading habits have come in spurts--I'll be obsessed with one book after another for weeks, or else I won't feel like reading anything at all and even my Entertainment Weeklies get stacked up for two months. But Neil's taking the Reader Advisory class, one that I LOVED, and we decided to read the books together, so we have our own little book club. I'm currently finishing Room by Emma Donoghue, an absolutely riveting thriller told from the point of view of a kidnapped five-year-old boy.

I love loving books!

Going through the motions.

2011-03-16T10:05:00.003-05:00

I'm at work, but I'm not all here...

Tough day so with tummy issues. I didn't eat much during the day, then totally went against every rule for dinner at 63 Diner....I need to remember not to let myself get that hungry!

Don't Weigh In Every Day!

2011-03-15T08:09:00.005-05:00

...Monday mornings only. REMEMBER THAT, GEN.

I did a little CARdio on the way to work, which helped get me energized. Still working on that "getting enough sleep" thing, though...only about five hours last night.

____________________

Later....much, much later.

Feeling so crappy. So disoriented. Slept HARD this evening when I sat down to read, and I'm hot, and I know I'm sick. But no sick days. hurray.

Just a little exercise today. Didn't eat a lot though.

Not a good day, not a bad day. Just a dizzy day.

I must to bed.

It's Disgusting Outside!

2011-03-14T08:20:00.006-05:00

I didn't know it could rain slush. But here we are...

I don't like it when the ground matches the sky.

Or when it takes me an hour to get to work.

Or feeling major hunger pains.

BUT, it's a new week. And it'll be spring by the end of it.

--------------------

So, today was a success! I ate normally during the day, just keeping track of my calories, and burned 1000 more (EXACTLY 1000 more!) than I ate. It was definitely tough after not having done this for awhile, and I *made* it tougher by not making super-smart choices earlier in the day. Normally I like to save my bigger meal for dinner, but I wasted a lot of calories on breakfast and I had to make it up later. I walked for a few minutes at work and for a lot of minutes at home, catching up on some Biggest Loser for extra inspiration.

I'm proud to have made it this far today--I left work a bit early because yesterday's illness was returning, and I worried I wouldn't be up for exercising tonight. I also skipped out on book club this evening for that reason, and while I was disappointed to not feel up to it, I also know I escaped some tempting snacks by not going.

More things I incorporated into my day that I want to continue: various bits of yoga; non-tech time (read: READING!).

Daylight Savings Time Can Go To Hell

2011-03-14T00:53:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow is going to be Nasty.

It's almost 1:00 in the a.m. and I am not a bit tired. I was sick today when I woke up, so I took some congestion meds and went back to sleep...and had a verrrrrry lazy day thereafter.

I feel disgusting...disappointed in myself....lazy....and so, so, so fat. I don't like seeing people who haven't seen me in a few years because I'm sure they'll be thinking "Oh wow, she has gained WEIGHT."

It is so easy for me to forget my goals....forget how great it feels to wear skirts in the summer and cute jackets in the fall; to shop in the normal-sized section of Macy's and to give away all these clothes I hate.

But I HAVE to remember those goals. I don't want to face my next annual check-up with yet another not-loss, or worse, a 30-pound gain from last time. I don't want my doctor to tell me I'm pre-diabetic. I don't want to have a heart attack because my heart can't function properly trying to pump blood to my whole, huge body. I don't want to land in the hospital and worry my husband.

And I don't want to go shopping for clothes that are even bigger than the ones I have to wear now. The ones I HATE now.

I am so fortunate to have as friends people who DON'T make me feel ugly; who compliment my nicer clothes and say I look cute when I get my hairs cut, to have a husband who makes me feel beautiful and sexy every minute of the day. My yoga teacher takes me through moves that she knows I can handle, and I always feel strong and powerful with her, when I know I used to be able to do so much more.

But my body is rebelling now. My stomach is telling me not to fill it full of crap anymore. The skin there has new stretch marks. For the first time in my life, I have regular breakouts on my chin. I've passed another 'milestone of fear'...another number on the scale that was always so foreign, so out of reach, that I couldn't imagine ever getting there. And I HAVE.

AND I HAVE TO STOP. Caving into my cravings...letting even a day go by without some sort of exercise...letting myself mindlessly eat...and stop telling myself "okay, okay, just start Monday." I am SUCH a cliche. Everything weight-loss blogs or books or articles write about...that's my life. Am I a food addict? Probably. But I can't admit it.

My god, what will make me wake up? I have no major health issues; just inconveniences. Even reaching this milestone number didn't freak me out as much as it would have a year ago.

I'm trying this, again, again, AGAIN---and here, for accountability. I'm disappointed Atkins didn't work for me, so I'm going back to tried-and-true "burn more calories than I take in."

My regular goal each day is to burn 1000 more. If it's a weird day, like I'm sick or traveling or similar, I don't want to go below 500 more.

I hope I can keep my own promise to come back here once a day. If I don't, it means I didn't make my goal that day, and I'm ashamed of myself. And I am so, so tired of being ashamed of myself.

Thanks for being here with me. You're going to make this easier.

I Quit.

2011-02-08T10:25:00.002-06:00

I'd been having an okay week. I was sticking to the plan (mostly...Superbowl Seven-Layer Dip probably wasn't going to get me under my 20-carb limit!), and had re-stocked our fridge and my area of the cabinet with low-carb-friendly meals and snacks. I was getting used to this. I was never hungry and never really craving things uncontrollably, and I was kinda loving the 'no-exercise' aspect....more time to snuggle with the hubs and watch Jersey Shore!

I woke up this Monday morning, and it was like a Truck of Disgust hit me. It all sounded so revolting. Slim Jims for snacks, microwave sausage every morning, endless waxy rounds of Babybel cheese and foil triangles of Laughing Cow...rolled pieces of hard salami with cream cheese in the middle...even my beloved sour deviled eggs didn't sound good. I felt like throwing up, thinking of everything. That vomitous feeling continued throughout the day.

And then I remembered....this happened before. It's why I eventually stopped this diet, more than once. I remembered that when I'd felt it before, I tried and TRIED to overcome it....experimented with riced cauliflower, mail-ordered the best (and, generally, most expensive) sugar-free chocolate ever, ate more salads and veggies so everything wouldn't taste so heavy. But nothing worked, even after weeks.

And...call me a wimp....but I couldn't face that again. As much as I love the expediency of weight-loss on this plan (and as much as I love smothering everything I eat with melted cheese!), it just wasn't worth the suffering I was beginning to feel. I knew it would be fairly easy to get back into a lower-calorie groove, with my good friends at GoWear Fit (my calories-burned device) and Lean Pockets.

So, as of this morning, I'm five pounds down from my initial weigh-in, pre-Atkins. I have 2.5 seasons of Biggest Loser on the DVR to work out to, and 25 visits to the ARC to use up. It's going to be difficult, and it's gonna be slow. But if I'm GOOD, it won't be so bad.

Yeah, I know....I'm fickle. But I think I can definitively say that this was my last go at the low-carb thang.

Wasting my TIME!

2011-01-24T13:56:00.002-06:00

Neil and I have been suuuuuper productive lately. We've almost completely cleared out the second bedroom so he can use it as his Space, and are in the process of building up my Craft Area so I won't have to dig through tubs every time I want to find the adorable vintage pointy-finger stamp Linz got me for Christmas.

We are SOOOOO excited! I've had a craft area before, but it wasn't very organized, and it took up half the living room...and I didn't use it as often as I meant to. But I'm approaching this Area with a new sense of de-cluttering, having done research again and again for what systems work the most for scrapbookers. And, after two trips to IKEA, I am finally ready to go! I'm so looking forward to building the new shelves and carefully planning what papers and binders and embellishments go in what area. The goals are Accessibility and Relative Attractiveness. I also know that as I get into all my stuff, I will be letting go of things along the way--always a satisfying feeling.

SO. In that vein...I've deleted most of my computer games I waste hours and hours on. No more Cities of Wonder, no more Bejeweled, no more WordTwist, PathWords, or Scramble. (I'm keeping Scrabble, because that's actual - virtual - interaction with friends and family.) Even watching a DVR'ed episode of Biggest Loser will make me feel more productive (and more inspired!) than two hours of mindless clicking on my cities to retrieve the goods or population.

I've always had an affinity for games, but I'm really going to try and do without the ones that I play alone, and devote that free time to reading or crafting. Or EVEN exercising (though a very, very nice aspect of low-carb/Atkins is that no exercise is required in order to lose scads of weight). But I suppose it can't *hurt*...

Eight!

2011-01-24T07:50:00.002-06:00

Pounds gone, that is.

I've had a crazy couple of weekends since starting this...first, Chicago, where I didn't exactly adhere to the plan (c'mon...Portillo's, people!), and then a second trip to Chicagoland, where I DID (er, as much as one can when you're eating Denny's mysterious Side Salad and need the A-1 to make the t-bone palatable). Other than that, though, I was at or below 20 carbs a day.

I'm so glad this works for me. It's the one diet where I don't ever feel hungry or deprived...much. I DO get cravings, but if I look hard enough, I can generally find substitutes that will suffice.

Here I go again...

2011-01-11T10:35:00.003-06:00

I feel like a broken record...but here it is, January 11 (1/11/11!) and I've begun another new plan for the new year. I love starting new each year...it always seems like no matter how much bad stuff I've done to my body, or whatever crap is going on in other areas of life, that I'm always given a fresh start to change it up.

I realize it's a controversial choice, but I'm back on the old low-carb plan. I feel like I have to defend it, but the bottom line is...I need my weight to go down. And I like this diet just fine. And, frankly, I don't eat well one bit when I'm not on it (despite trying...I just don't have the discipline), so reducing starches and sugars can only help me.

I've also done some reading about transitioning back to traditional eating once I've reached my goal weight, and feel like I have the resources necessary to help me do that. There's been a high 'regain-plus' trend for low-carbers once they come off the plan, because they immediately start gorging on carbs again (even if they're eating low-fat). Bodies need time to come off ketosis, and the key is to slowly re-integrate carbs per week.

BUT, that won't be for awhile. I just like having that to look forward to in the days when I get sick of these heavy foods.

That's also not to say that I won't have little carb-breaks here and there--I'm not visiting Florida in February without trying some fresh citrus!--but with the understanding that any deviation from 20 carbs a day means I definitely won't lose weight for the day, and a full day off usually means no loss or a slight gain for the week. I love the idea of being held accountable, so there may be a few boring what-I-ate-today posts here and losses for the week. :)

I am going to try, try, try not to weigh myself more than once a week. The first time I did this, it was SUCH a high to get on that scale every morning and see it go down 1-2 pounds every day at first. But then it was all the harder on the days when there was inexplicably no weight loss.

I'm excited about this new plan (I've done it several times so it actually seems almost old-hat now), and made it through that always-sucky first day without maniacally craving a ginormous piece of chocolate cake. I'm stocked at work with pepperoni, turkey jerky, pickled eggs, pickled cauliflower, olives, and almonds for snacks this week. and bunless chili cheese dogs for lunch today.

I hope the next time I check in here, it'll be a good progress report!

Day 29

2010-11-11T15:39:00.002-06:00

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope, first and foremost, to change my weight/body. I know I've been extremely lucky to not suffer and major health issues because of my weight, but I need to not take that for granted. It's easy to want to reduce my weight for appearance's sake, but that *does* sound petty. And, when I do allow myself to consider the worst that can happen at this weight, it's scary enough to want to change my habits forever. So I should focus on THOSE reasons, and not so much those size 12 jeans in my closet.

Day 28

2010-11-11T01:05:00.002-06:00

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

While I don't think I want kids right now, I'm 99% sure I'd keep a baby if I got pregnant.

I don't really want the responsibility of taking care of a child...but I don't think I could let one go that Neil and I would make. It would work out. :)

Day 27

2010-11-09T14:05:00.002-06:00

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My life is pretty damned fantastic.

Husband: Adorable. Supportive. Understanding. Doesn't leave the toilet seat up. Makes me feel sexy and beautiful every day. Does things for me all the time.

Friends: Funny, clever, creative, loving, nonjudgmental, and forever interested in me and my inanities.

Work: Exciting, fits me to a tee, excellent co-workers and friends.

Family: Best ever family. My dad's forever my hero, my sister ROCKS with her creativity and is delightful to be around, bro Joe is amazingly funny and intelligent, and bro Steve makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has.

It's ALL good, people.

Day 26

2010-11-08T12:21:00.002-06:00

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Jesus, really? Wow.

Sure, I've thought about it. It terrifies me, and it would be an awful, hurtful, selfish thing to do, and I'm better than that. My life is worth so much to me.

That's all I have to say about this one.

Day 25

2010-11-07T23:11:00.000-06:00

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

My father. My husband. And my fear of death.

Day 24

2010-11-06T13:09:00.001-05:00

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I hate this one. I hate it. I'll tell you one thing--I ain't gonna tackle this one today. And when I do, it's not going to be a playlist for one person. Gag me.

Day 23

2010-11-05T11:06:00.002-05:00

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had gone to Ireland and Spain when I had a chance. And Greece and Italy...and the not-Paris part of France.

I wish I had gone out last Friday.

I wish I had been more social in my last study-abroad experience. And during the first one, although I did let go during the latter part of it.

I wish I had been more comfortable with people touching me when I was thinner.

I wish I had done more in college. I could have done without watching an hour of The Simpsons every day after dinner, even though it was semi-social. I could have done more shows, joined more clubs, and shown more of an interest.

I wish I'd kept even a simple journal when I was growing up. I have random bits here and there, but really the only journal I have is reading my half of the ginormous collection of notes passed between me and a few friends in junior high & high school. They mostly consist of such gripping revelations as "12 more minutes of class and I AM SO BORED LINZEE" or "P.S. I heart Balty Getty."

Day 22

2010-11-04T23:07:00.003-05:00

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wanted to blog this morning, but I just stared at the prompt and didn't know what to write. It kind of haunted me all day, in fact.

I think my biggest regret was wasting nine months of my life living in Urbana, Illinois. Absolutely, positively wasted.

Some good came of it; I think it's probably what made me pack up and move to NYC, and I certainly don't regret that. But...living in Urbana was the worst period of my life. It was taking what was a depressing situation and magnifying it a hundred times, and dragging what could have taken a few months to get over into almost a year. It affected almost all my relationships, and not in good ways.

Wish I'd listened to my parents on this one.

Day 21

2010-11-03T08:11:00.002-05:00

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Drop everything and rush (as safely as I can muster) to the hospital.

Ask Mom to help keep them safe from too much pain/damage.

I'd feel terrible about the fight, but do everything I can to tell them petty fights don't matter in the long run...and I love them.

And it goes without saying: flowers/gifts out the wazoo. :)

Day 20

2010-11-02T08:28:00.003-05:00

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I drink occasionally, and see no harm in people drinking at age 18/up as long as it doesn't get out of control.

As for drugs...I spent the majority of my life vehemently opposing all manner of illegal drug, down to the secondhand smoke off a bong that I encountered at a college house party.

I've outwardly become more accepting, as I know--in my head--that marijuana is hardly as damaging as drinking too much.

But I do still hate it. And I do still think that people who engage in drug-taking are pretty damned stupid. And I really get sad when I think of people I love partaking.

Day 19

2010-11-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Dang, yo. We were getting all kinds of controversial up in here.

Religion: a nice idea, but people just don't seem to get that belief can't happen in any way but organically. Would you really want me to join your church if I don't truly believe in the aspects it professes? It seems to me that a lot of religions are all about the numbers...getting as many people as possible to convert or come to church. And that kinda gets under my skin. (Oh, and also, I don't need another thing to feel guilty about.)

Politics: I try to avoid discussions as much as possible, and articles/TV news/etc. on the topic. I'm mostly uninterested. I have my opinions on issues that I care about, but I refuse to feel guilty for not following closely what's going on in this insane country of ours.

Day 18

2010-10-31T14:30:00.002-05:00

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I could get all angry and soapbox-y here, but I don't think I will.

Gay marriage was just a vague thing to me for awhile....of course I supported it, but didn't really care about marriage itself one way or another. I probably would get married one day, but if I didn't, no big whoop. What is it but a formality? (That was rhetorical...)

At Grinnell, they showed free (sometimes new!) movies every weekend. My (mostly guy) friends were excited about an upcoming doc, "Chicks in White Satin," by Elaine Holliman. All we knew was the title, and that it was about lesbians, so we figured we were in for a hot movie of some sort.

The filmmaker herself was in attendance and available to talk to the audience at the end, as she was a Grinnell alum (much the same as Peter Coyote did the previous year after a Roman Polanski film he was in. Totally disturbing movie).

But the movie, which had been nominated for an Oscar, was so much different than any of us expected. There were lesbians, but instead of a free-for-all orgy, it starred two women who wanted to get married. It went through their wedding preparations and obstacles, and ended with the union.

I'm not going to get into the politics of this, because I wasn't even thinking of that at the time. What touched my cold 19-year-old heart the very most was when I realized: these women are *dying* to get married....because they WANT to. Not because it's expected of them by society, but DESPITE a thousand obstacles from the same damned society that tells me I should probably be wed by the time I'm 30. They just simply want to be committed for a lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less.

And that's pretty effing cool.

Day 17

2010-10-30T14:35:00.002-05:00

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Ummmm.....

Wow. This is kind of a big deal. Changed my *views* on something? That's pretty dramatic.

Plus, I primarily read fiction/chick-litty stuff, which ain't exactly groundbreaking.
Well, wait. It can be.

I love to read and watch movies/TV as an escape. Not really to make me think, not to expand my horizons...I do enough of that already. I just want some relaxing and happy "get lost in another world" time. So I stick to entertainment that I know will most likely have a happy ending, and I really prefer it if no one dies. For awhile, I was reading a lot of the "Red Dress Ink" imprint from Harlequin, very Bridget-Jones-ish heroines, imperfect and sassy, sometimes slutty, mostly working in publishing (what's UP with that??)...you know. Those books are always quick and satisfying.

I was super intrigued by the back cover description of the next RDI in line, Inappropriate Men:

With her marriage spiraling toward divorce, sexually confident and unapologetically sized-24 Sidney Stein finds herself drawn into an illicit affair with Geoffrey Fahl -- not only married and twenty years her senior, but also her father's business partner. Perilously close to falling in love with this man who is so very wrong for her and knowing there's no future in the relationship, Sidney decides it's time to turn her life around.

Newly separated from her husband, Sidney dives into the dating pool. And after more than a dozen dates, a disastrous transitional guy and reconnecting with a high school crush, she can't help but wonder if it might not just be easier to let herself drown. But just as she stops looking for the ideal man, someone else arrives . . .and he might just be everything she never knew she always wanted.

Experience the love, joy and heartbreak of Sidney Stein in Stacey Ballis's debut novel. Neither pat nor predictable, Inappropriate Men is laugh-out-loud funny without compromising intelligence.

I'd never read a chick-lit book about a plus-sized heroine (and NO, Bridget's 130-lb "weight problem" doesn't count) who is *happy* with her body, and that word "unapologetically" in the back cover matter was a shocker to me. I wasn't far from that size at the time, and I couldn't imagine ANYONE in the double-digit sizes would be happy with their body. I hated my body, hated mirrors, hated my clothes, and just knew that I was unlucky in love because no man would ever want someone as fat as me. And, ironically, I was never, ever treated badly because of my weight. One boyfriend had told me he didn't find me as attractive as he used to because of the extra weight, but I knew he was a dick anyway. I've been blessed to have such wonderful people around me who don't give a shit how I look (and who don't feel the need to offer "helpful" suggestions about losing weight).

So this book....it was a freakin' page-turner. I loved everything about it. It was funny, dirty, illicit, and I adored the heroine. Her weight wasn't a focus, just another characteristic--as important as her hair color or her height.

I think that book really began my reluctant (and definitely ongoing) acceptance of myself. This girl was no different than me in size...why doesn't she care as much? She's stylish and sexual and hot, because she KNOWS she is. It was so, so, so refreshing.

And I began to realize....maybe there *are* men who can stand this body. Or even, who prefer it.

.

Day 16

2010-10-29T08:45:00.002-05:00

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

My cell phone.

Don't like that I carry it everywhere, don't like talking on it, don't like that I feel lost without it. I never really wanted one but got one because it seemed a convenient thing to have, and I hardly used it for awhile. I gave the number out, but asked everyone to call me on my land line because I didn't like so many things about talking on the cell: its shape (I like a phone that decently conforms to one's head, dammit!), that it got hot after a short time of talking on it, that the numbers were so tiny and easily mis-dialed, that there wasn't a simple, one-handed "recharging station" like there is for cordless phones. There's no cradle, in other words.

It's something that I could definitely live without, but I can't.

But I really want to.

But I can't.

:(

Day 15

2010-10-28T18:39:00.002-05:00

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I went without dairy for two weeks in 2001, due to intestinal issues.

It was the most tasteless two weeks of my life. NOTHING was good. I tried fake parmesan on my pasta, plain hamburgers at McDonald's...just anything to try and jazz up my diet.

I also had to go sugar-free, so that made it pretty miserable too, but I've done the no sugar thing before, and I can handle it.

And I could probably go no-dairy...with one major exception.

I gots to have the cheese.

.

Day 14

2010-10-27T08:00:00.002-05:00

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Wow. This one sounds really sad.

Plus...I don't have too many "heroes" aside from my parents. I admire so many people, but they're human to me. Mom and Dad have ever, ever been my heroes, and neither have done a thing to let me down in so dramatic a fashion that I'd feel the need to write a letter. And even if I felt they had at one point, I've *always* realized, later in life, that what they did was only because they loved me and could see what I couldn't.

Okay, so maybe...a role model? Or someone I idealized? And I'm not writing a letter.

Jan Czechowski, my adviser in the theatre department. I think he really disliked me by the time I graduated.

Mr. Butz. Really liked you, favorite teacher. Why you wanna go and delete me off Facebook and still have other former students as friends? Why why why?

Okay, seriously, I've been staring at this for fifteen minutes and I can't come up with any more. I'm sure there are tons! I am an extremely negative person! WTH is wrong with me??

Oh well, that's all for now.

Day 13

2010-10-26T08:44:00.002-05:00

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Bands or Artists,

I don't turn to you to get me through "tough ass days." Nothing comforts me like the Girls (Blanche, Lorelai, Dorothy, Sophia, Rory, Sookie, and Rose). I would never turn on music if I had the opportunity to play those DVDs.

Thank you and good day.

~g

P.S. Okay, I suppose "Thank You For Being a Friend" and "Where You Lead" counts as music.

Day 12

2010-10-25T07:53:00.002-05:00

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Ha! This is kind of 'feel-sorry-for-meeeeee,' isn't it?

With the fantastic people I surround myself with, I don't know if there's much I *never* get complimented on. Which puts the last question into a whole new perspective for me....when looking at it now, I do get called funny, and smart, and nice, and interesting...and rarely enough so that it makes me feel really special when I do. That's why I limit the amount of effort I spend primping myself...if I wore makeup/jewelry/fancy clothes every day, that's how I'd be perceived all the time...and I want to make an impression when I get gussied up. I work with people who paint on their faces every morning...who meticulously pick out their wardrobe and look stunning on a daily basis. And it's totally expected of them. If they came in one day looking frumpy and un-made-up, people would ask them if they're not feeling well. I guess I want the freedom to look like crap and not be questioned. :) (Although, attending Grinnell for four years was an exercise in how frumpy one could look at all times.)

So...something I never get complimented on. This is hard, because I have an ironclad memory. So I'm looking at my fingernails: "No, the nail ladies at the manicure place before my wedding said they were pretty"...my back: "No, that one skeevy guy in college (Shannon: Joe M.) who rubbed it at every chance said it looked strong...my feet: "No, that girl Melissa from when I worked at the university in 2001 said they looked tiny" et cetera, et cetera.

Got it! Got it. Nothing against hairy girls, but I like the fact that I don't have much hair on my arms, eyebrows, legs, and I'll stop right there. What hair I do have is fairly light-colored, and I don't have to pay much attention to overgrowth (except for, you know, normal areas in the shower. I am trying not to get too personal here). While I've gotten complimented on my nice complexion and smooth-after-shaving skin, no one has ever said "Man, your arm hair is really sparse and blond. Nice!"

But you know, I *have* felt people's arm-skin when they don't have any hair there naturally, and that is pretty amazing-feeling. So maybe it's because I'm kind of halfway between hairy and hairless there that it doesn't get noticed much.

This was a weird entry.

.

Day 11

2010-10-24T18:02:00.002-05:00

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Interesting question.

I don't mean to sound down on myself or whiny, but I guess I don't get complimented a lot, by people other than my husband. And that's okay...I don't make an effort to wear goofy patterned tights or quirky shoes or Friday's flair or anything that used to get attention. And I get plenty of compliments from Neil every day.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I suppose I get complimented on how I smell, since I'm obsessed with perfume, or on my jewelry, since I've been trying to wear more lately.

Day 10

2010-10-23T17:14:00.002-05:00

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Gah. This is a little close to home at the moment. I'll just say C. and leave it at that, and let the curious know that it's more an in-person (or phone) conversation...or a drama-filled e-mail kinda situation.

Day 9

2010-10-22T08:40:00.002-05:00

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I would have a LOT more names in this entry if it weren't for Facebook. In fact, I think I'll include a follow-up to this:

Day 09, part two --> Someone who had drifted, but who you got back.

Part One: My friends from TGIFriday's in Chicago, and from Pickles in Champaign. I'm not in touch with a single one of them, and I had such fun there. We didn't go to school together or have any other connections really, and I left both positions on weird terms. But if FB had existed in either case, I have no doubt we'd all still be in touch. I'm lucky that my closest friends from NYU are on Facebook with me (Hi Kat! Hi Marissa! Hi Katie! Hi Whitney! Hi Kelly! Hi Josh! Hi Lauren!), because for awhile, I'd almost lost them too, despite mutual efforts to communicate post-2001.

Part Two: Hands down, Lindsay and Shannon. Old and great friends, whose original friendship I was instrumental in ending. But you both made the effort to be friends again, and I can honestly never....ever...EVER thank you enough. I made horrible choices and mistakes as a young Gen, and you've both looked past that to love me unconditionally. I wish I could see you both a lot more than I do (and I wish you could know each other--you guys are so awesome), but for now long-distance friendships will have to do. And I ain't losing you ever again...k?

.

Day 8

2010-10-21T12:04:00.002-05:00

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I could go the obvious route here with my college boyfriend, but I kinda just want to forget that ever happened.

As I think about my answer, I'm realizing just how many awesome, awesome people I've had the pleasure to know. There aren't many that stand out as jerks, even though I completely misjudge people all the time to be meaner than they really are. And as I get older, I appreciate people a lot more than I ever did. Answering this question ten or fifteen years ago would have been SO much easier than it is now!

I'm not going to do the 'made my life hell' option. Someone who has treated me like shit....

The technical director at Arrow Rock Lyceum Theatre who made me cry during my job as carpenter. Ken? Kevin? Something with a K.

Michael Bollinger, who tried get me to quit Arrow Rock after I broke my thumb on the job.

My boss at my first 'real' job in Chicago, Greg. I wanted to go to his house and rip out his hair plugs while he slept.

The Gown House worker who I called asking if they had any wedding dresses I could try on...she snorted when I told her my size.

And, most recently, Lisa Stamm. I really don't want to hate people, but I hate her with all of my being. She was shitty to me, to my WONDERFUL co-workers and friends, and cut us off without a word. We were nothing but sweet and accommodating to her, and she was negative and mean throughout her tenure at Missouri State Library. Good riddance, Miss Thang.

Okay, that all kinda felt good.

:)

Day 7

2010-10-20T22:33:00.003-05:00

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living.

No-brainer here.

I was at the lowest point of my life after Mom's death. I was almost desperate for happiness...I saw my sister with her growing relationship with Gilbert, and I was completely envious. I wanted that for me. I grew resentful of almost every couple I spent time with, in fact.

After a long several months, I slowly lifted my head. I wanted to get back in the game...but this time, it would be different. I was DONE with bad boys. Done with men who I thought I could change to be better. Done with the roller coaster.

I went back online, after about a year's hiatus. I tailored my profiles to reflect what I was looking for. I didn't think I was ready for a husband quite yet...I just wanted to feel loved again. Or even LIKED again.

After a month or so of not getting anywhere, I decided to lay off. It was always in the back of my mind, but I didn't want to force anything. Plus, the Cards were in the Series playoffs, and I had no time for dating. I was due at Dad's house every night before seven so we could watch TV intensely, darn it!

Then one day, I got two messages from my dating website. The first was from 9Inches4U...and the message was just as charming as that name.

The second was from this beautiful man, and this was his profile picture (minus the snake):

That message marked the beginning of a new life for me.

Neil Christian Dazet, you make my life worth living.

Day 6

2010-10-19T18:15:00.002-05:00

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I'm going to make an unofficial rule that this doesn't have "again" at the end, because if I were given that option, it's another endless list. I hope to never have to date again; I hope to never step on a slug barefoot again; I hope to never eat another raisin again; I hope to never go to school again; I hope to never see an iota of a scene of "Twin Peaks" again; I hope to never see my ex-boyfriend again (and for Neil never to see his ex-wife again...*grin*).

So. Something I hope I never have to do.

I hope to never be a mother to a teenager.

I was driving home from work the other day, tired and hot, squinting into the 5:00 sun along Stadium, inching forward in line to turn onto Forum. I idly glanced in my rearview mirror at the car behind me. A professional-looking gentleman was in the driver's seat, ostensibly coming home from a long day as well. In the passenger seat slumped a sullen-looking young adult, staring out the side window, ears plugged with iPod earbuds. I could almost see the tension in the car; knew that if the father wanted to speak to his son, it would be met with stony silence or a complaint. The mood would continue throughout the evening, the next morning, afternoon, and for years, on and on and on.

I never want to come home to that. I never want to not know how to speak to my own children.
Man, I would be SO bad at that.

Day 5

2010-10-18T11:14:00.002-05:00

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Lately...I want to live in or near a big city.

Chicago, Seattle, NYC, Boston, San Diego, San Francisco...Cincinnati (took me three tries to spell that), Portland, Charleston, Baltimore, Kansas City....

I miss NYC so badly it aches, and I didn't take nearly enough advantage of living near Chicago to visit the city very much. Other cities I've only visited, but crave a return.

Columbia is so wonderful, of course, with its charming cultural offerings and splash parks and gardens with schoolhouses and the fact that everything's ten minutes away from everything else. $360/month two-bedroom apartments, Christmas tree farms, pumpkin patches, wineries, running into folks I know at the grocery store every time I go, local theatre. And, best of all, Dad & co. are a five-minute drive away from me.

But...I want LIFE. I want to spend a whirlwind day downtown and see everything in the world. To take Neil to see a splashy musical without worrying if Columbia Entertainment Company will screw it up (again). To have friends visit and be able to show them an exciting place. To discover secrets, like the Museum of Moving Images in Astoria. To have a choice of endless Thai and Indian restaurants. To rely on public transportation and people-watch every commute instead of navigating around the construction on Highway 63.

In less than two years, we'll most likely embark on a new adventure...and I hope it's to a big city. Or somewhere we can take the train to a big city whenever we want. I'll be a cataloger at a public library, Neil will be a science librarian, and we'll spend our weekends exploring (okay, realistically, VEGGING, but maybe one Saturday a month...?) the new world around us.

Day 4

2010-10-17T10:25:00.003-05:00

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is a good one for me, because I hold irrational grudges for so long. I so wish I were the kind of person who could react to something minorly unpleasant once, and then forget about it, but I'm just not wired that way. The cross-stitch pillow I read about in a memoir, where the author was speaking of her grumpy old maiden aunt ("I will never forget any bad thing anyone has ever done to me") might as well have been made for me.

But one thing.....?

One thing. This is tough!

Okay. So this should give you some insight into how insane I am about grudges.

Dear waitress that one night seven years ago at D'Agostino's:

I forgive you from spilling the starter salad all over me, and for rendering my new suede flared jacket unwearable. I didn't hide my annoyance at the time, but I didn't yell or anything; nevertheless, you fled from the table in tears. We were all baffled (except Mom, who had treated you at Boone and knew you how on the edge you always were about everything), and I was so sad about my beloved new jacket that I didn't really care about your well-being.

The little Italian restaurant in the Village of Cherry Hill (Columbia's manufactured Suburban Cutesy Gazeboed Area Off Chapel Hill) has since shut down for good, and I have no idea where you are, or even what your name is. But I forgive you.

We're done here.

Day 3

2010-10-16T21:36:00.002-05:00

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

At first, I didn't know what to write for this. I could say something about being unhealthy, about not doing everything I always say I will...not always doing the best work I know I can do, not keeping up with friends as mutually as I'd like.

But it suddenly hit me what I needed to write about. It was a splash of cold water, and I don't, don't, don't want to dwell on this. But I have been, and I need to let it go.

During the last few weeks of Mom's life, I was over to the house every night. She was all set up in the hospital bed, with oxygen and everything, and was mobile and alert. She was never alone, and I was 'in charge' one night while Dad and the kids went to game. I was sniffly due to burgeoning allergies, but was not accepting the fact, so I did nothing to treat the condition.

Mom's illness had brought us closer than ever. Our relationship had never been Gilmore-Girls stellar, but it was better than a lot of my friends' with their moms. So having the opportunity to really improve our relationship since her cancer diagnosis was such a blessing. I felt wonderful about our bond.

Mom hadn't taken a true turn for the worse yet, and we were all hoping that the hospice nurse's ballpark prediction of three months would prove true. Mom (understandably) was being extra careful about her well-being, and was concerned about my sniffles. I told her not to worry--I was looking forward to an evening alone with her. I'd been reading to her every night from Holes by Louis Sachar...a book I'd only recently read myself, and was so powerfully reminded of Mom at the ending that I felt strongly she needed to experience it as well.

Still she fretted, and I felt hurt that she didn't want me around (while at the same time begrudgingly understanding why). She asked that I not be in the same room with her, after she felt my forehead and it was warm. I retired to the living room, and called Elissa to come over, getting progressively (perhaps irrationally) more upset.

I was in silent tears as I left the house a little bit later. Selfish tears, yes, but I'm a stubborn one. I went home and sulked, probably playing some Golden Girls for comfort, as was my wont MANY nights around this time. After an hour or so, Mom called. She said she was sorry we missed an evening together, and did I want to chat for awhile? Still affronted, I said I was tired. We had a short conversation, then got off the phone.

The next day, I got off work at five and headed home. I didn't go straight to my parents' (as I normally had been doing), instead taking care of a few things around the house.

Dad called, and asked me to come over. I objected, saying Mom wouldn't want me there since I was a little sick. And yes, I was still being stubborn. Dad ignored me, and said "Just come over, please."

As soon as I saw his face, I knew something bad had happened. He filled me in...and I can't remember the exact details, nor do I want to. Mom had had a really bad night, and they had to call hospice. The head nurse pulled Dad aside and gave him the news...the worst news we'd had since learning of her initial diagnosis. Mom's life expectancy had gone way down. She was hanging on, but not by much. We couldn't expect much communication from here on out.

I will never, ever forget that moment with Dad. And I can't think about it without heaving with sobs.

We had a night of grieving. Everyone was low; we needed to be together.

Much later, I went home. As I settled numbly into my overstuffed couch, ready to be transported into a pastel-decorated Miami bungalow, it hit me. The phone call last night. The last phone call she would ever make to me. The one I blew off, focusing instead on my own FUCKING SELFISH emotions. My last chance to talk to a completely lucid Peggy, and I ruined it.

Wracked with guilt, I spent every minute I could at the house for the next two and a half weeks. I journaled almost all of those minutes, but cannot read it now. There were moments of sweet lucidity; hilarious moments of a completely uncensored Mama telling her friends *exactly* what she thought of them; touching and heartbreaking moments where she told me and Dad, surrounding her in an embrace, that she'd accepted what was to happen..."It's just life, Gen," with a sad, brave smile on her face, while Dad and I sobbed.

And then it was over.

And I can't forget it. I can't forgive myself for that night. Often, when I 'talk' to Mom before I go to sleep, I ask her if she remembers that, and express my sorrow at how I acted. I know it's spilled milk, and nothing good comes from me feeling bad about this.

But I still do.

I have to forgive myself.

Day 2

2010-10-15T07:56:00.003-05:00

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I've never done this before. I've extolled my virtues on various dating sites and job interviews, but this is very different. And love...that is such a strong word. I *like* many things I can think of...my new shortish hair/bangs, my boobs on occasion, my good skin.

But what do I *love*? Is this the same as 'being egotistical about,' do you think? My knowledge of the English language? My ability to kick all asses in the game of Set?

...I don't think so. I feel good about those things, but...they're innate. I don't know if I appreciate them as much as I should. I blatantly look down on those who *don't* have a good handle on English (as many of us do). Somehow that doesn't seem like LOVE to me.

This morning, I finished the audiobook disc I was on (Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex. Cutest book cover EVER), and felt the urge to dance. I reached for the cd-holder, knowing that what I wanted and needed would be right on top. There it was...my little homemade Adam Lambert disc, scratched from many, many uses. I put the disc in, set it to random, and went into another world.

Now, I'm not a music person. I resist new music. I haaaaaate when someone says "Hey, come here, I want to play this song for you." I am resentful and bitter the whole time. I feel held hostage. Like they are interrupting my life for three minutes and expect my full attention, I guess? I don't know. I know it's stupid, though. And I know people are only wanting me to experience what they feel about the song. I am getting better about this with Neil, and as we get to know one another better and better, he's getting to know what sort of songs my picky self really likes...AND how to play them for me more organically. So it's not just me standing there seething with anger.

But...when I *do* find music I like, I'm like anyone else. I can't get enough of it. And with my recent desire to get into drum-playing, and my constant urge to dance to music I'm listening to, even at work, I know I have good rhythm.

So right now...that's what I love. I feel free, and high (I think....drug-free for life and all), and alive, and I love that I can dance, and it can make me go from Grumpy to Fabulous in a minute flat. I feel confident and sexy and even talented, like I have something inside that needs to be explored.

I guess this is kind of a weird answer. I feel weird about it, anyway. But at this moment, it's what I love.

P.S. The cover of Bonk. Something else I love!

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

2010-10-14T07:57:00.002-05:00

My dear friend Lindsay is beginning this exercise, and I want in on it. So here's what I'm going to do for the next month on the blog, answering each briefly (or not-so-briefly, if I'm in a chattery mood) and honestly:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So, today...Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

This should be easy. :-/

I hate my stomach, butt, and thighs. I hate that I can't maintain enough control over my bad habits to be happy with these areas.

I hate that I am so painfully awkward around new people. Most of the time I fake my way through getting to know someone new, but just the thought of meeting a new person makes me extremely nervous. I've learned, through years of waiting tables and working the front desk at libraries, to put on a smile and act like I'm okay with it, but I'm really not. And since I'm not one of those sparkly happy people whose smile lights up the room and whom everyone loves on sight, I'm not confident that *I'll* be liked, either.

PILLS YAY PILLS

2010-10-01T13:37:00.004-05:00

So I've been taking Paxil (er, generic paxil, which means more monies for meeee) since around about May. I'd tried it before while I lived in Chicago during the He Who Shall Not Be Named era, but it wasn't the thing my body needed right then. (What my body actually needed was for me to move far away to NYC. Done and done.)

I found myself getting plagued with little worries all the time last winter/spring....even though things were great at home, and Neil and I had settled down into our various works and schools, and had worked hard to be emotionally there for one another...I still worried constantly. And I found myself losing my motivation to do anything BUT worry. No exercise, no eating well, no real hobbies. I just didn't care about improving myself--I needed to make sure that Neil was okay, even when he was totally fine. I'm sure I was annoying him with my frequently-asked "Are you okay, sweetie"s....GAG me....and bless him for not erupting with frustration every day.

I knew something had to change. I had to begin getting a hold of my health, physically and mentally. I wondered if an anti-anxiety med was the answer. When I remembered what ill effects Paxil had had on me, I worried again, but I knew with my husband and Dawson family close by, they could tell me if I wasn't acting myself. Plus, I totally knew I was different on Paxil back in 1999/2000. I felt kooky all the time!

It was, though, a tough decision. (Whoa, "tough" is "though" with an extra "h"!) When I finally got the nerve to call my doctor to make an appointment in early May, I was nearing a breaking point....worrying myself into a frenzy nearly every day. So when the secretary said Dr. Johnson didn't have an opening until July....well, I broke down. Silly, I know. And what else should I expect when I've chosen a super popular GP as my doctor?

I think the secretary took pity on me, because she worked some magic on her end. I received the call that they'd put in a prescription for me, and I could return in July to talk about it. I was so, so relieved!

Sometimes, my ultrasensitivity to medication is a bad thing. The first time I took Trazodone (a SUPER mild sleeping med), I felt woozy and drunk, and then like I had a killer hangover the in the morning. And it was half a tab of the least amount it even comes in. (It got better.)

But in this case, I couldn't WAIT to start...I knew it would come with crazy two-week-side-effects, but it might do away with some of the crazy I'd BEEN feeling. And boy, did it deliver. I was bouncing off the walls those first ten days! I didn't care about ANYTHING! (In a good way, though.) I was so grateful to have some of the weight lifted off my shoulders. I also lost fourteen pounds (though that definitely had to do with the fact that we visited Grandma in Reno then, and being in the West/mountains always makes me lose weight. True story), and was totally jittery, and sweated weirdly...but those effects all ended soon.

Suffice it to say, I'm still taking it. And I love it. Those kooky-crazy feelings of wild abandon that were there ten years ago aren't present now, but I can still let loose. I have way more energy to exercise and get things done. The only issue I've had is that, because this med makes me not really care about things that used to CONSUME me, I'm way more lax with money and food. I'm a total spendthrift, and a TOTAL glutton. :) I think I just need to take it day by day...or even hour by hour, for now. It's way too easy to leave my old anal self behind and say "Eh, don't worry about dieting today. CAAAAAAAKE!"

I feel ugly.

2010-09-21T08:24:00.003-05:00

...In more ways than one. I've let things (health-wise) slide for so long that I feel physically icky.

I justify "Waiting to Start" ALL. THE. TIME. All the time. "Well, I WAS going to kick-start this stricter diet tomorrow, but I *just* got that Broccoli Cheese casserole from the deli and I have no idea how many calories are in it, so I'll just wait to start til that's gone." "Well, I WAS going to start today, but I forgot that it's Sarah's birthday and we're going to Shakespeare's, and then there will be leftovers, so I'll just wait til that's gone." ARGH.

There will *always* be leftover pizza, or a special event, or some new food coming out I've wanted to try, or a new Mr. Goodcents in town (DAMN YOU GOODCENNNNNNNTS!), or a weekend trip to Kansas City...ALWAYS.

And I guess I need to keep reminding myself of that. So, yeah--there's leftover Shakes in the fridge. And the casserole, and some break-n-bake cookies. And I'm going to KC soon. And and and and AND AND AND.

Also, this is a horrible habit--I need to STOP taking weekends off. For real. Changing one's lifestyle can't just happen Monday thru Friday. I usually do allow myself ONE fun meal a week when I'm being strict, and that works out really well--if I'm absolutely dying for Taco Bell, I ask myself "Do you want this to be your fun meal, really?"--and it totally works to keep me in line. It's when I turn the "Fun meal" into a "Fun day," then a "Fun weekend," which are always soooo hard to come back from, that I get in trouble.

So. Today, instead of packing that incredible gooey butter cake for work, I measured out a cup of cottage cheese and made sure I had yogurt. I HATE this. I hate it. But I need to REALLY start one of these days....why can't it be today? Tell me, self, why can't it f*&king be TODAY?

A few more things.

2010-09-16T11:55:00.002-05:00

Okay, now that I've gotten that first post out of the way (that was a hard one to hit "Publish Post" on, let me tell you...), it's back to the details. The minutiae, if you will.

1. I'd like to incorporate some strength training into my routine. Nothing kettle-ball intensive, just some hand/ankle weight stuff. I stocked up on my last trip to Play It Again Sports, so there are no excuses...

2. I had some major blood-workage done in late July, and I was *terrified*. I was positive it would come back with my cholesterol out of control and with the news I had diabetes and a low life expectancy and EVERYTHING bad. I did a major 5-day boot camp before the blood was taken, after two months of being totally off-plan, and went in with fingers crossed. The check-up began with disappointment, when Dr. Johnson informed me I hadn't lost any weight in the six months since I'd seen her last (and she'd given me the simple goal of losing 5-10 pounds in that time, which I figured would have been easy-peasy). I'd lost and gained a bunch of weight in that six-month period, actually, but it was depressing to know nothing had come of it.

My blood work came back within two weeks, and it was....Perfect. 100%, everything within a good range, absolutely fine. And while that news had me a little gobsmacked, a small part of me felt hopeless. I *wanted* to get scared. I *wanted* something horrible to show up on that test, to MAKE me shift into high gear and get rid of all this extra weight. What was my motivation now?

Well, that's stupid. I can find motivation anywhere. But at that moment, I wondered what it would take.

3. I've found ways to creatively incorporate exercise into my routine so that it's not just this boring thing to get through. I discovered that I can read pretty well when I walk in place in our little carpeted "exercise-room" at work (just a curtained-off square of the warehouse), and at home, I walk or dance in the living room to upbeat or inspirational shows like "The Biggest Loser," "Glee," or "Dance Your Ass Off."

But, I get nervous. I hate exercising around other people. I'd like to someday try a group exercise class, but am not ready for that yet. In the past months, I've gone to two water-aerobics sessions, and I was emotionally okay, but physically uncomfortable surrounded by so many people flailing about. My discomfort wasn't about my body in a swimsuit, though, for once.

4. I regularly keep up with weight-loss blogs, written not by diet experts, but folks with my same struggle. And I read a great entry today, on Deciding. I'm paraphrasing, but what the blogger Lyn wrote was that every time we put anything bad into our mouths, we are DECIDING to do it. We are not Out Of Control. We can't say "I couldn't help myself." And chalking our "discretions" up to a loss of control is just an excuse.

Okay, enough diet talk for now. So many other good things are happening now...it's so odd to finally feel this way after a lifetime of not really feeling it, but I am excited to be alive...for things that are coming, for my own accomplishments, for my husband, and for my family and friends. I have so many, many things to be grateful for.

Completely unrelated P.S...
I am currently going through my entire scrapbooking-materials collection and weeding, organizing, and USING it. It feels awesome. I have such trouble *implementing*, and I love having a few scrappy friends nearby to do actual cropping with. I spend many happy evenings separating stickers into categories (or, as Dad calls it, taking a bus driver's vacation) these days, and our dining table is set up so I can use it as a craft table when I want. I love it.